Since I was one of the ones that suggested you post here, I thought I'd offer some feedback. I'm kind of a wordy guy though so hopefully it's not too long:

[hider=Feedback][quote]The message fades and a brightness [b]seeks[/b] into my eyes as they open, momentarily blinding me.[/quote]
The verb "seek" means "to search or look for something," so I'm not sure this is the right way to use it. If you're trying to personify the brightness as doing the "seeking,", as if the source of the light is trying to pry the character's eyelids open, it would still need to be worded a little differently.

*Panic, not panick

You need to break your narrative up into proper paragraphs. Whenever your character's situation or train of thought changes, or when you need to adjust the pacing (that is, the figurative "speed" at which events in the story are happening) you should start a new paragraph. Particularly on web forums, it's also a good idea to have an extra line of space between paragraphs as well, whereas normal manuscripts rely on indentation.

Whenever a character speaks, you should also make a new paragraph. If the paragraph starts with dialogue, you can keep putting new dialogue in that same paragraph between narration segments as long as it's the same character speaking. When a new character speaks, start a new paragraph. Don't put dialogue into a paragraph if the paragraph didn't start with dialogue; instead use the dialogue as the start of a new paragraph.

Your viewpoint character needs more characterization. We as readers have no idea whether they're male or female, and no defining features to help us envision them in our heads, and very few personality traits with which to identify with them or understand their decisions. Your narration also needs more description to help the reader envision the setting and atmosphere, not just physically but emotionally as well.

[quote]I gaze around my surroundings, alien and unfamiliar.[/quote]
Why are the surroundings alien and unfamiliar? Further on, the narrative does specify rocky surroundings and also an area of thick vegeation, in midday sunlight. Are these things unfamiliar to the character because they grew up in a desert environment, or in a dense city? Or, is it unfamiliar to them because the jungle features all manner of plants they've never seen before, with different colors and shapes than anything they've seen on Earth? And how do they feel, being in such an environment? Scared? Excited? Do these emotions provoke any physical reactions from them, such as trembling, heavy breathing, or a sudden thrill that sends tingles down their arms and legs? These are the kinds of questions you should ask yourself, putting the answers into writing so that you can protray your characters's feelings, perspectives, and surroundings to the reader in a way that enhances their ability to imagine it.

[quote]Now this ship I remember. I remember everything about her, gracefully going through the system bootup and preparing for launch.[/quote]
This is another example where you could add character to the protagonist. If they remember everything about this ship, what stands out foremost in their mind? Do they remember how the ship has faithfully carried them through dogfights with space pirates? Do they remember working long nights in the hangar, repairing and upgrading the ship until it had top of the line specs, or cleaning it until it outshone every other ship in the space marine fleet? Using the character's memories, you can show us more of their backstory---where did they come from, what was their occupation, why were they in space to begin with, and so forth.

As it is, and as I understand is probably common with these types of "captain's log" playthroughs, your writing comes across as very mechanical. "This happened, and then this." By adding characterization and using the physical descriptions to provide atmosphere, you can create a series of events charged with more emotion, instead of just a simple description of events in linear time.

I would recommend looking up a book called [i]The Elements of Style[/i] by Strunk & White to further improve your mastery of the different parts of the English language in general---you haven't made a bunch of grammatical mistakes or anything, but it just looks to me like you need a bit of brush up or something to reference to keep things in order. I also recommend that, instead of using adverbs such as "hastily, momentarily, emotionlessly," and other descriptors that you try to adjust your verb choice and your sentence structure to give stronger meaning and emphasis. For instance, instead of "walk quickly," use words like "hurried," "jogged," "scampered," etc depending on what you want to convey.

As an example, instead of saying that the exosuit system "emotionlessly states "Technology repaired," you could instead phrase it like this:
[i]"Technology repaired," stated the exosuit system in a feminine, monotone digital voice muffled by the confines of my helmet.[/i] Calling the voice monotone and digital emphasizes that it is free of emotion because it's a machine, but are stronger descriptors than the adverb "emotionlessly" and also less awkward to read aloud. Generally, good writing should flow off the tongue the way eloquent speech does.[/hider]

Hope this helps, good luck with your efforts as a writer!