Monochromatic, I can't find anything that's wrong per se. There's just a bit of the background you missed.
[quote]At seventeen, she was doing much the same thing, right up until she woke up one morning in the workshop, with the aluminum she’d been working on when she fell asleep a molten puddle on the floor.[/quote] 

This is still there. That's about it... I'd say it's approved :) So is yours, Eldritch.