Okay! I have a one on one to finish and a group RP to post to. I'll be editing this and mentioning people as I review their sheets. I'm also working on an essay that's due tomorrow. I would normally be in my AM class but it just got canceled so instead of going back home to bed, I'm staying on campus to get work done...*grumble* So expect this post to be expanded and edited. ^^'

[b]GM Disclaimer:[/b] Anything I say isn't meant to be a personal attack but merely advice from a GM who wants to have a balance and civil dynamic between characters. Any questions or extra information I need is just so I can understand your concept better. If you want to redo a concept entirely, that's fine. These are set in stone after all and like I said, skills, appearance and name online wise, can be changed in-game. When you edit what needs to be edited, mention me in a new post in the OOC and say what was changed and then you'll get a final "Accepted" and then you're welcome to post in the CS tab, both your roleplayer and character sheet. The quicker we get this out of the way, the better chance we have of using our momentum.

[@Hella Cute] Some people list first name first or last, with Japanese names so by the way you call her Kiku, that's her name while her surname is Yukimura. Just wanna confirm my assumptions!

Moving on!

I'm glad someone picked magic, I used it once in the past but I'm going to need more specific spells (if that's what she uses) for her attacks and defenses. Since she dabbles in everything, I also have to assume her power won't be too damaging since the basics usually entail small skills. But then you also mention that her spells do the opposite, are powerful but slow. If they are slow, what kind of hit rate does she have? I would have to assume it's up to her fellow Correctors to help hold enemies down if they want to use her abilities.

Is that an effective tactic people don't mind employing, especially if offline, she isn't very sociable unless the others go out of their way to make sure she's included?  That's not a good recipe for success and taking her young age into account, she'd only been a Corrector for about a year, maybe a little more. Is she intimidated by those above her? Usually a new Corrector would have a very close proximity to those that take new members under their wing. 

Lastly onto the personality. I do think adventurous, reckless, and confidence do go together. However recklessness isn't something the Gvn would want to put money into. And if she is a bit of a drinker (I'd at least need to know if she's gotten any fines or any marks on her record for drinking) is she tapering it down or keeping it to days that she has off at least? Lazy is alright with me, it sounds more like aloof or disinterested, which is a little worrying but it could just be her young age...but again, bad habits tend to be broken the older you are and the more life experience is thrust upon you and considering she's the oldest of five, I'd assume she'd be a bit more reliable and responsible/self-aware. And you mention she has a one track mind and yet she's a Jack/Jill of a trades which ends up confusing me a little. If she has a one track mind, wouldn't she want to focus on one magical ability like say wind/air magic or water?

[b]In Closing:[/b] Your sample was fine. I just would like to know more about her magical powers, perhaps why she's a little reserved yet claims to be out going every so often, and how her vices end up not tipping her out of the Gvn's favor. When they're either tweaked or explained further, you'll be accepted~

You should also be aware it won't be the group's job to cater to your character's shyness/laziness. Correctors are expected to spend time offline together, if your character doesn't, that's her choice entirely but it will give you less Rounds to take part in and may hinder her development. I only say this to characterw who could give off "loner" vibes. I hate people to be left out or left behind due to how they've crafted their character and your vision could come alive in a different manner than what I'm previewing right now and if that's the case, I'd love to hear your take on things since she's your character and you know her better than I do but from a GM's standpoint, I'm just making concerns known. If/when you edit, let me know~

[@TalijaKey] Hello!

I think I know him from someplace...

So I'll need to know more info about the hammer in regards to how big it is compared to his body and how heavy it may be for him. His natural strength will be used in the DgtWld, so his upgrades later on, may be able to help lighten the hammer so he can execute multiple attacks. The charging factor is a little confusing since it makes me think lightening or something is coming into play, a bit like Thor...

I'm not sure I'm comfortable with him being able to not be damaged. I would say in some cases, Correctors could get small mobile barriers that are small and randomly placed in proximity to their avatar but I don't see them as being able to eliminate a lot of damage, perhaps lessen a hard blow/ambush.

And can you explain "spitefully" a little. I suppose it could go with determined but I'd need to know more about that.

You history is fine, though it is a little hard to read. You talk about his grandfather and how he didn't approve his mother but then you flip back from the future to the present of the story and then move into the future again, the order of events (in the beginning 1-3 paragraphs) are a little unclear. You may want to edit or read through your CS, some words are misspelled or sentences seem stiff. Some words are wrong, I think you meant embarrassed but then said embraced at one point. Overall, the sample is a little worrying since there are a lot of mistakes, rather say just 2-3...

Well I'm gonna go finish my 1x1, I'll be back to do one or two more before my PM class. >__>'

Done with the 1x1, but gonna log off and focus on my essay. But I'll be back to do hopefully the rest tonight, if not tomorrow afternoon between classes.

[@TheMusketMan] Whitehead is a really weird last name...not sure I'll be able to think about your guy without thinking about some kind of weird Indian or guy with weird acne (whitehead to blackhead idk). 

Erm moving on...

Personality is hard to read mostly because out that blurb I get:

+Charismatic and outgoing and then -blunt. The background about the personality just muddles it for me, you should probably just stick to the curt style everyone else is doing because some of the details like him smoking or liking Western culture don't really have anything to do with actual personality traits. To me, those are more quirks or mannerisms. I need to know his bare bones personality, not necessarily that he's a biker. You could then approach it by answering: What does being a biker say about him personally? He is free spirited, like freedom ('murica!?), etc?

You do give us more in the history like him being friendly and positive but really those are synonyms and end up being redundant, rather than informative. Maybe cite HOW he was friendly briefly? 

I'm tempted to say military would be obsolete due to "world peace" being established and everyone pretty much staying in "line" with everything, but it isn't a huge deal, just be aware any military would be significantly downsized and used for more basic things like say helping communities make repairs after natural disasters or something like that. 

Has he ever been to America, if his dad is from there, and he's totally into it, I'd assume he'd have gone at least once right? 

You may want to specify his residence as well since it should be Tokyo or nearby the city. 

And the online appearance, I'll need to say would not start off with a flaming head. I assume after an upgrade after say, him finishing his third and final year of "training" he would have gotten the accessory of fake flames. And I also want to know more about his weapon. I'm under the assumption (correct me if I'm wrong here) that he can reload pretty quickly, materialize new bullets. Do they do anything or are the old fashioned simple bullets? And the bicycle thing is okay...I guess, just try not to use it too much since some of the group might not have that kind of transport and I assume that maybe his most recent upgrade...since with the flaming head and TWO guns and bike, it is getting excessive. Does he have zero defense and close combat skills? Just trying to weigh your guy's pros/cons and see if I have everything straight.

And you keep calling him "collector" which isn't right, it's "Corrector" as in correcting the issues in the DgtWld, they're not collecting anything except maybe boatloads of cash.

[@Krauxis] Finally, I'm getting to you! The other GMs have pointed one or two concerns and you've also been able to figure out where we might have issues with your submission.

I'm still unsure about her skills. Physical attacks + a sword seem...too peachy for her. Sorta get what I mean? She also wouldn't have had multiple upgrades at her point in time, maybe 1-2 but from the sounds of it, you might be expecting 3+? And if she has had at least one upgrade (probably the most as well) she probably couldn't have developed such excessive speed, which you then turn around and say she hasn't had many upgrades so I would probably say to pick one "advantage" and polish it well with equal strengths and weakness and not try to pin too much on your character off the bat.

Her defeatist attitude reminds me a little of Hella Cute's in which if they try something and fail, it knocks them a little too far down to the point I'd worry about over confidence and depression since I personally see people with high expectations of taking a risk, being able to understand with great risk, you should be able to bounce back. Does that make sense?

Is her being cynical a little too excessive? It sounds like she's more moody or unpredictable. Being angry at the world usually tends to fade with age, unless life is SO HARD for her, which given her lush job, is a little hard to consider. If you maybe just took away "angry at the world" since it strikes me more of a teenager's petty angst and replace it with something more considerate like, she's prone to outbursts or being snippy without pausing to think twice/calm herself down? Ex: Irrational or a realist? 

So in terms of "criminal" behavior or marks on her record, what would we see? I don't think it's fair to suggest that her crimes would be pardoned per say, nor do I think she'd be used as a "double agent" for the hidden underbelly of unrest since she has a enough on her plate as a Corrector. If anything, I'd think the Gvn would have offered her the job on a probation for her sort of "turn a new leaf" for the sake of being stable/trustworthy/a good investment etc. Would that be okay or make more sense?

Gosh, I really hope this isn't too nitpicky, I'm still reeling from a bad essay grade that I have completely rewrite tonight. But if still hangs out from time to time, with her delinquent friends, that would be fine, if you'd like to keep her "badass" side alive, off to the side.

[@Anonymous] Finally, your turn!

Everything seems to check out...not really a fan of parents/someone close dying, it just seems...I dunno misused/cliche these days. Is his death needed? Does it bring/take away anything from your character? Given how you handled it, it's alright though. 

Also the weapons are fine, though I may want you to add that use of the internal head could result in say, the blade breaking which could require more time to make a new one? And that the "Possessing a history in kickboxing has also granted Takeshi with valuable speed, agility, and exceptional strength." can't be an afterthought. How much history are we talking here? I'd say you'd need to cut it down to either speed/agility or strength. 

If you can tweak the weapon thing, he's approved and able to be added to the others.

[@NeoAC]

I'm glad you tweaked the weaponry but I'm having an issue with how he gets tapped for being a Corrector. We already have a few people who were "on the wrong side of the tracks" / "had a rocky youth" so I'm not sure if that should be his catalyst. 

Firstly, "He was still unhappy with his self-image though, and eventually he tried to hack into the system to get access to the code that would allow him to change his appearance so he would fit in with other people in Japan. It was this action that brought him to the attention of the Correctors." is confusing and might be where there's a misunderstanding. Self-image meaning what? His avatar? His avatar isn't something he'd be able to have let alone tweak. Real people don't get them online since they can't go into the DgtWld on their own, that it only acts as say something like virtual goggles but without giving them an appearance or anything like that.

So I don't see why he'd need to try and hack to fix something (so he can fit in) which he shouldn't even have. If he did make an avatar and a program, he'd be a hacker and thus a target for termination from the Gvn and the Correctors. Hackers would never be employed as a Corrector because they can code and the Gvn does not want Correctors who can do that because it would mean chaos. 

So I think you need to adjust how he gets brought in, since right now it just doesn't add up with the rules set in place and again, I'd like to avoid bringing people with questionable judgement into an expensive dangerous program. If it's possible for him to be brought in normally, then he'd get a green light.

[@Krauxis] Heyo. Sorry bout the time it took to get to ya. ^^;

Cynical may be better as pessimism but hey semantics right? I guess in my head, pessimism isn't as "bad" as being a cynic but who knows!

I think after the tweaks and discussions, I'd say you are accepted.

[@TheMusketMan] Incidentally you've given us three a lot to talk about these past few days...which is why there's been some delay in regards to you being accepted or not. 

What I am uncomfortable with is his reliance on a bike (and when his fellow correctors don't have such a convenient or high upgrade means of transport + battering-ram) and the guy's obsession with a character that in 2022, is pretty obscure (hell, it's even obscure these days I'd say) and something I don't see a point in trying to replicate/hang on to. On top of that, the "guns" issue has yet to be fully explained or even resolved. You mention a vague number of reloads on his person but don't say how much. That does matter in an action sequence. If he has 2 reloads, he should be fine but if he has like 8, that's way out of line and considered overkill.

If you had him do away with the bike (as we've said, it's too much) and just had two guns with few reloadable mags, we could work with it but I see the guns + bike as two overpowered weapons he hasn't earned. Either an upgrade can go to avatar changes like a flaming face or butterfly wings (without flight) or they go to power that helps a human go beyond usual limits.

I have expressed an idea to the other GMs about offering to have you act as a temporary baddie but at this time, I don't think either you or us, are able to reach a middle ground where we're happy with things. You seem intent on keeping the concept as is and we're asking for modifications and for things to possibly change in the future (upgrades) so I can't accept you. I do want to thank you for your effort, time and consideration with trying to make this work though and if you're interested in being part as a temp character, the history would need to change but in this case, the online info with him as a Hacker, would be suitable to go up against since Hackers give themselves a lot more gusto than Correctors are allowed...