....it may sound so easy but its hard at the same time, confidence...it so hard to get it these days, the fact that I feel like a been pulled down by it each day doesnt help with it. I do want to man up as you say but how I lived and how I was raised it isnt easy to man up. That is why a single praise brings so much hope to me and a single mean thing pulls me into the gutter.

 That is why I am afraid of so many things, useless things becuase I fear that its my fault. everything i go through is my fault. That is why I feel weak for this as I dont think I can handle this naymore. belive me that i do want to go forward, how the future is so bright... it sounds so hopeful yet it feels lonely. The fact that I feel lonely for this doent help it. So many people got your side...

 i want to be lucky at that, to talk someone in real life and say things and they help me on that, its hard. It gets really really lonely... I been living in loneliness far too much that I am afraid of it even though I live in it nearly everyday. So its not writers block or the unsatifactory of this is the feeling that there is something here becuase when it feels empty there is no point to it. why go on if there is nothing anyway... i can smile back at the moments of it but its the past and striving in it is not really a good thing...