Alright, so I’m starting my reviews from the end and working backwards – other staffers are working on the rest just to make sure we collectively get to everyone (though I’m hoping to get everyone myself as well). My first review is Never Forget, and it’s crazy long – now look, people, do yourself a favor. If you can’t find time to write a full review for ‘Never Forget,’ [i]find time to read it.[/i] For reals man. Don’t miss this. I was gonna wait until I had more reviews done and post several at once, but this ballooned and honestly I’m like…. Emotionally compromised after finishing this story, and I need a clean slate before I keep going. So here’s Never Forget in silly MDK review mode. I repeat – READ THIS STORY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. Read all the entries, but I know, this one is super long and you’re busy. READ IT. For real.

[Hider=Never Forget]

Since you went all-out, I wanted to make sure you got my best effort, and I hit yours first. I’m gonna leave thoughts on each section as I read through carefully for first-impression, on-the-go type commentary (which is different), and then do like a more formal wrap-up. I expect that whatever I’m thinking at the beginning will probably change as I go, so that’s why it may look a bit flighty – take it for what it’s worth (some idiot on the web trying to be helpful, nothing more) 

[hider=Newy Wizna]

Heckuva start. I’m not crazy about the first paragraph – leaving the battle to the last line doesn’t *quite* work for me. I’d start with some battle chaos and [i]then[/i] notice the stars,  – but it’s just style really. Setting the peaceful scene and then shattering it is fine; I’d be going for pure reader shock value right off the opening sentence. But if this starts a little slow, it doesn’t stay slow for long; [i]fantastic[/i] characterization in a tough setting for that kind of thing. I might even bring Rudolph into it earlier (maybe he’s the one looking up at the stars? Dunno), just to drive that home a little harder. It’s great stuff, roll with it, right? Anyway I wasn’t 100% hooked until about three sentences into your novella, criminal right? This is great. Solid action, solid conflict, solid characters, well written…. What’s there to say? [/hider]

[hider=Hoffnung Ghetto]

Stupid picky detail – “shipped off in ships” is a rare miss here. Maybe “packed off” or “carried off” or something. Same thing with Lev Haskel’s sister Sarah Haskel – just Sarah would be fine. Little run-on at “Lev was surprised at the Terran,” make it a period and you’re set – maybe again in the same paragraph a bit later, I’ll shut up, just watch for those. Last nitpick, “Wasn’t either” could probably be “was neither,” up to you. Okay, enough of that. Again, great character growth and conflict ([i]maybe[/i] show a little more reaction to the Haskels splitting up?). Besides the just-a-bit-little-sloppy syntax this is basically pro. [/hider]

[hider=Terran High Command]

There’s a little bit more run-on here, so instead of highlighting each one I’ll simply say look for commas that could be periods and make them periods. About halfway through when Admiral Norbert reports “They have surrendered,” it reads like his own fleets have surrendered (which is okay for him to be unclear, but that should spark a reaction). Last style point, if Kevra’s closing is meant to be snappy (I think it is, it totally works that way), you could do without “Said Kevra.” Just ‘Dismissed. She turned the lights on with a snap,’ or something like that. And we could *possibly* do without the Navy at this moment, but I get the feeling it’s going to come up later, so I could be wrong there. Again – I’m starting to feel like a broken record, but you have *SERIOUSLY* got characterization down to a science. I’m in these people’s heads. Great scene. [/hider]

[hider=Newy Wizna (2)]

I think you could clean up the first paragraph a bit, because some of it sorta repeats a little, but no big deal. There’s some social commentary in the middle while Rudolf is talking – it’s obviously spot-on and worth saying, but it just feels a little out-of-place in an otherwise POV context. Trying to work it in consistently with a proto-german soldier’s perspective is going to be a real challenge – I hate to say ‘cut it out,’ but maybe find a way to just imply the irony? If we all know the historical context, then simply letting Rudolph fervently believe all this bullcrap and fully buy-in to the propaganda might be enough to get the point across. Moving on…. You handled General Wini’s age and introduction very nicely. More great development across the board throughout. I’m loving this. But [i]periods, man, use more periods![/i] [/hider]

[hider=Nova Terra]

The introduction is again a little messy, but it gets the job done. Screw Terrans. Lev comes into it a little awkwardly, which is cool, but I think I’d use his perspective right from the start. I care less about how Murtadans in general are feeling about Auschwitz – I care a lot, lot more how Lev is feeling. That’s the human story, and so far you’ve been fantastic on the human elements, so stick with more of that. A bit later, “Just an IT guy at a small little company” feels like [i]madly[/i] out of place in this setting – programmer, cybersecurity, something specialized and less…. Idunno, it’s almost anachronistic. Like he’s a space cobbler. Ugh, sidetracked by details again, okay…… “walking into literal hell” is kinda clunky but it does get the point across pretty well. This place is *brutal* and you’re doing it justice. The pacing, the dialogue, the deMurtadanization of it all….. if the reader isn’t feeling it right now there’s something wrong with the reader. [/hider]

[hider=Newy Warszawa]

See THIS is how I wanted the first scene to start! Awesome. The standoff between Rudolph and the Zarminian assailant drags just a bit, but otherwise the pacing is great. Down a few lines, Rudolph is running past “rare” windows – which is a little ambiguous, like maybe the windows are expensive, or are there not a lot of windows? Later on as he’s getting in touch with the evac fleet, there’s some passive-voice action mixed in (like for example, “there was banging on the doors with one of them lighting up…” We want PUNCHY! We want sparks and fire and shit to HAPPEN, not to ‘be happening.’ The pacing of this whole scene is absolutely perfect [i]right up until the five-hour wait[/i] – that’s written as a super harrowing experience, but we’re only looking at it for like a second before it’s over. Pretty much from ’12 Terran Army out!’ to the end of the scene just feels rushed (which is understandable, considering the length and the deadline, but there’s time now -- maybe give it another rewrite before you file it away). If I’m complaining a lot, don’t let that detract from how thrilling this whole episode was. Lots happening for Rudolph, too, which you know I love. [/hider]

[hider=Terran High Command (2)]

Fantastic all around, no complaints at all. OH! Wait, I got one. I’m not usually a thesaurus guy, but when I’m desperate for faults…. “the others backed away in fear” could maybe be “RECOILED in fear” or something like that – backed away is sorta tame. [/hider]

[hider=Nova Terra (2)]
Okay, so see how this one starts out with a dude shouting at Lev? That’s [i]perfect.[/i] That’s pretty much what I want in all the other sections where I whined about not associating the POV character faster. Do it like that and you’re set. Flawless scene (couple more period-commas, but I’ve harped enough). This is awesome. [/hider]

[hider=Nova Terra (3)]

Another perfect scene, but I’ve got one question. Alexander ‘returns to the action’ at the end – is he fighting for the terrans, or for the liberating Perseans? I’m totally clear on where he stands about the genocide(s), but I’m a little foggy on what his actual physical role is in the story, other than a rare sane friend wearing the wrong shirt. [/hider]

[hider=Earth]

This is General Wini, right? I’d drop his name either way. And then I was gonna talk about other stuff that you were writing but [i]damn it[/i] I couldn’t pull my attention away from the story, so it must have been pretty goddamn good! [i]WHY RUDOLF?! WHY COULDN’T YOU LET ME KEEP RUDOLPH?!?[/i] [/hider]


[hider=Earth (2)]

[i]tears[/i] [/hider]


[hider=Notes] 
That does clear up a bit on Alexander – I’m with you, I wanted to see more of him. But you might need to add a whole extra Murtadan perspective to the entire story to really get a chance to see him more than twice, and that’s certainly not realistic for the constraints you had. But hey – if you do more with this (I think you should), maybe explore him some more. He’s a fascinating character with too little to do in the script. [/hider]



OVERALL

Dude….. okay, granted, this is the first piece I’m formally critique-reading in the contest. Granted, there is a [i]metric assload[/i] of really, actually excellent work in this contest (and even some that I had to pull down so the author could pursue actual writing career growth opportunities). Granted, there have been scores of contests and hundreds of entries written over RPG’s long history of writing. Granted, I read stuff on other sites that’s cool and thought-provoking and massively popular (and written by people just like RPG). [i]This is the best amateur fiction I have ever read,[/i] and I’ll just roll my own stories in there for the hell of it (even though that hurts me a little inside). I don’t want to oversell you here, but then, I’m not sure that I [i]could.[/i] This is me speechless (it counts, typing isn’t speaking). I did what I could for (checks) four pages in Word to try and help, but uh….. dude. DUUUUUUUUUUUDE. You’ve got it. Whatever it is, you’ve got it. For the love of god, please write more. I don’t know what else to say. Enough mdk chatter. This is special and I hope you feel incredible about it.[/hider]