First-ish batch (I did Never Forget already, but I’m getting to the others as well). I figured I’d start from the bottom and work my way up, just to be different, so that’s the order I’m going in – the rest of the crew is working on comments as well. AS PER USUAL remember these are comments from an internet moron who’s just trying to help – take them only for what they’re worth, and if anything sounds too disparaging (or if you just disagree), ignore at will. Also just for the record (though I’m sure it doesn’t need to be said) these comments have nothing at all to do with the voting or staff picks or any other remotely official anything – I’ve been leaving critiques since ancient old-guild contests, these are no different. Whew. Okay, hope these help (if I didn’t get to you yet, I will – hopefully in the next day or two)

[hider=What do you say?]

I really like this one. It’s obviously *super*-heavily drawn from the song, but you add a lot to it as well. I will say that it’s [i]maybe just a bit[/i] more reliant on Reba’s storyline than I’d like, which makes it hard to talk much about the pacing and the plot and all that…. But that’s kind of the point of the entry, and it’s not just fine, it’s really well-executed. It’s partly because it’s just a really good, emotional song choice, sure, but you carried that emotion further and tied it to a really strong story. The only thing I can think to improve it is to adopt a little more of Reba’s dialect as you’re writing – the “Gotta’s” and the “gonna’s” and whatnot contrast a bit with your natural writing voice. Normally I’d say do what comes naturally, but in this kind of piece, you sort of want to Reba-ize yourself, I think. Anyway it’s really good, and it’s a homerun on the contest theme, so all in all, very well done. [/hider]

[hider=Clear your head and open your heart]

[b]LOVE[/b] the story! I don’t know if it’s just my reading speed or if it was all deliberate – I assume the latter mostly – but this lined up pretty much perfectly with the music as I read. I assume (like most music) that the song is meant for a romantic interest, and your choice to make it about a mother instead is incredibly poignant. THAT SAID – we can work on the writing style just a bit, because this is really rife with passive language (like every writer ever has always done at some point, don’t feel bad). In the flashback portions it’s fine – memories are things that ‘have happened,’ and that’s appropriate. But for instance, storm clouds aren’t things that should ‘be rushed forward,’ they should simply ‘rush forwards’ (or the wind should ‘rush them forwards,’ or however you prefer to say it). I don’t want to cherry-pick them all, but it’s such an easy trap to fall into – you almost want to do a dedicated proofreading just for passive voice, because for pretty much any author, [i]it’s there, somewhere, hiding[/i], in just about every first draft you’ll ever write. Okay, enough about that. The pacing worked really well I think in part because of the music – in the future I’d worry a little about spending quite so much time on the beach before coming into the bar for so short a time, but [i]for this entry and for this contest, it was perfect,[/i] I think. Great job. This reads almost like it could be a script for a music video – it totally captures the music and takes it somewhere spiritually where the song didn’t go on its own. A really strong addition.[/hider]

[hider=You’re gonna go far, kid]

Straight up – I was put off at first glance by the setting, because I know nothing at all about it. Didn’t matter. This turned into an exciting story – action, romance, deception, tragedy. A great arc, pulled off flawlessly. In short – your story was great! So when I’m looking for things to work on, I turn to the writing style. You’ve got your own, and it’s robust – we get a nice mix of dialogue, internal thoughts, and action, in a variety of settings, and it holds up pretty well in all of them. The [i]one[/i] thing I’ll say is that the action sequences, at times, drag – and here’s why. Move-by-move swordfighting is [i]incredibly[/i] hard to write – way harder than people realize, and I think that’s why a lot of writers just plain don’t do it (me included, if I can help it). The pacing is hopeless when you have to explain “a vertical slash, block, a horizontal slash, dodge, another vertical slash, dodge, thrust, parry, thrust, thrust, dodge, dodge, block, kick, slash, slash, slash, slash, slash….” Everything about the heart-pumping battle you’re seeing in your head is exciting, but then when you’re forced to chain it down on paper, it slows everything down to like chemistry-textbook levels of adrenaline. Brutal. One trick I use is to skip *everything* that isn’t mind-blowingly cool – so the scene might go something like “They fought, trading blows, until Dirk did a sweet somersault into an exploding helicopter and stabbed the fire in its heart, absorbing its energy.” ….okay, not like that. But what I mean is, there’s a line somewhere between describing a visceral fight and blocking out movements for a dance recital. The line is hard to find, but good news, all it takes is loads and loads of practice. But if you want to skip all that, you can (pretty much everybody famous already does!) and just fall back on your characters and plot-arcs and twists. The blow-by-blow stuff is just a decoration on a ship that could sail just fine without it. Overall your story is [i]fantastic[/i] – I don’t know if I said it already three times, but this is a picture-perfect plot arc. Almost makes me want to figure out what a monster girl is! Oh and since I didn’t bring it up – the music adds like a whole level of irony to the story that just puts it on a whole other level (plus I love that song). Nice work.[/hider]

[hider=Do You Dare to Win]

Okay so, what this entry does is sort of establish a cool setting. It’s laying the groundwork for what (I think) could be a really gritty action story – but in just three weeks, I don’t think you really had time to get to the story. Which is a shame, because the world you’re setting up has [i]loads[/i] of potential, and the players are actually pretty interesting, despite the brevity. The trouble is, the scope of what you’re trying to do here (honestly this looks like it could be the opening scene of a 2-hour action flick) – it’s just too wide. [i]This is normal.[/i] Imaginations are big and deadlines have very small windows – it’s hard to fit everything through them. Stories like (I think) the one you’re trying to do here simply need [i]waaaay[/i] more time and attention than we were able to give. Moving on – the style needs some cleaning up (which, once again, [i]is normal[/i] and everybody needs to hear it at some point). Some of the formatting stuff, like the paragraph breaks, is only a problem because of the forum style – don’t sweat that stuff. Instead think about things like how to better showcase the equipment – it’s onething to have the tech guy explain “This is a PTD, these two guns have to be close to one another or they don’t shoot, this pen explodes if you click it three times,” etc. To a reader, none of that stuff makes sense until we see it in practice – does someone grab one of Jack’s pistols and try to shoot him with it? Ha – it doesn’t work from there! [i]Now[/i] that’s a relevant detail to the story. Does he click on the PTD and then start running, and Headquarters can track his movements and compliment how good he is at parkour? [i]Now[/i] it’s relevant. There’s not many hard-and-fast rules about how to write effectively, but one that might help you out is called [url=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chekhov%27s_gun]Chekhov’s gun.[/url] Once you understand the rule, and why it’s a rule, it’s [i]totally okay to break the rules.[/i] That’s what makes writing so fun. Still, they’re there for a reason. Anyway, look, it’s not the best stand-alone story (in no small part because the story was way too big to even really get started), but the next one is going to be better, and the next one, and the next one. Keep at it! If I could give one suggestion just for contest purposes, it does help to focus a little more tightly on just one or two really strong scenes – the whole ‘part of a larger narrative’ element is a really awesome thing in general, but with contest constraints and a diverse, busy crowd of voters, it just doesn’t do as well here. I was really stubborn about that during WOTM, but learning how to focus on small pictures helps a lot when you go on to write bigger things later.[/hider]

[hider=expectations]

Sort of a weird song choice for diner cops, but I’ll take your word for it. The story is fun (in a sick sort of way) and miserably dark and ironic, and [i]I freaking love it[/i]. From the hateful banter to the crash ticket, I really like it. What’s unique and interesting here is that, even though the guys in the diner are the only people we meet, it’s really not a story about them at all – they’re just an elaborate framing device for LA bitch and crashbro. I think you could potentially do more with that – pacing-wise, plot-wise, we don’t really hit the stride until like halfway through. Which, I mean, realistically speaking that’s sort of how conversations like this work, but for reading purposes you could probably tighten up on the bitch’s story a little more. Marcus’s reactions and mockeries add a [i]ton[/i] to the narrative – like, seriously, he’s such a fantastic mouthpiece for all this, I can’t stress that enough – could we maybe break up that big monologue with some more Marcus-isms? I figure the more of him we see, snark and all, the better (and the other guys too, we don’t get much out of them). There’s some syntax stuff that could be cleaner, too, but it honestly doesn’t detract much from the whole thing. On the whole this is one hell of a clever way to tell a story, and I think you made it work perfectly. Hats freaking off.[/hider]

[hider=At the English Fair]

Delightful. Absolutely delightful. It’s childish and whimsical and downright perfect, on its own or with the song (but especially with the song). The way everything is written feels just like I’m the little boy at the fair. THAT SAID – for as much as I love everything about this story (I actually beamed the whole time I was reading and I’m not sure why), there’s a teensie-tiny but recurring problem with sentence structure. For I think the first time ever I think I want [i]more[/i] commas – in spots like ‘the man was gone[b], comma,[/b] and the woman stood straight and tall.’ Or ‘each pin tumbled over[b], comma,[/b] as if they had been waiting their whole existence…’ It’s not so much that you’re doing anything wrong per se, but periodically as I’m reading (and grinning like an idiot at a carnival), I hit a sentence that just isn’t doing everything it can (in what’s otherwise a well-oiled magic machine), and it stood out as probably the only thing I could possibly criticize. It’s a small mark on a supremely positive review – this is gold right here. Blew me away.[/hider]

[hider=Kataigida]

Near as I can tell, ‘Kataigida’ means ‘Storm,’ which, I mean, duh, I really shouldn’t have had to google that, but sometimes I’m slow. Fits great with the score. If you wanted – and I’m not saying you should – you could almost add in some line breaks to the poem, to indicate to the readers when they’re supposed to hold up for a minute and let the music catch up (but that’s not necessary or probably even smart, I’m just saying you COULD). The word choice is magnificent (I think that’s the right word!) throughout, with one minor grammatical exception (I would argue that ‘The atmosphere choked’ is more powerful than ‘the atmosphere IS choked’). The only other hangup I’ve got is ‘Faster than probability,’ which seems like it needs an explanation but it’s gone in a flash. Back to generalities – this is powerful language in a fittingly compact and haphazard form, paired with excellent music and holy crap how about the artwork too?! You’re really hitting on all cylinders. What else is there to say? This is excellent. Majestic even. [/hider]

--round two--

[hider=Raggle Taggle Gypsy]Love the descriptions of things and people -- they're detailed, but in interesting and clever ways (like "sunburst yellow flamingo pink, midday blue..."). Some incomplete thoughts like "If there was somebody I never wanted to see me like this..." Why not? Rhys is an interesting character -- the trouble is that she doesn't so much [i]grow[/i] or [i]develop[/i] over the course of the story -- we just find out more things about her, slowly, as the narrative goes on. It could be better if, for example, she wasn't sure whether or not she ought to run away at the beginning, but gradually talks herself into it -- or perhaps if Meldie wasn't actually an old friend, but reminded her of her old consort, and she [i]came[/i] to love him the same way. It sort of just.... stands there, as it is, this is a situation that exists in a cool setting with great mood and lots of potential in the characters, but it's not going very far as a plot (though to be fair, a lot of that is because you're following the song lyrics very closely -- but the added plot elements aren't adding quite enough). Okay, that's plenty mean... You don't deserve such a negative tone, this was [i]brilliant[/i] writing. Great style. We get to see your writing voice both in first person and third, and it's very strong. Maybe it could do with a deeper plot, but plots are easy to fix -- you're doing the hard stuff very well. Also in the spirit of the contest theme, this does [b]perfectly[/b] capture the song. A fine entry.[/hider]

[hider=For Blue Skies]Glowing reviews all around, and you deserve them! This was beautiful. I listened to the music as I read and it's hard to imagine a more perfect fit. You're not just carrying the message and the feeling, you're creating a response -- and a great one, too. If I have to find one complaint, it's that -- [i]every once in a while[/i], but more than once -- your natural style is taking over and overriding her voice. Lines like 'the icy numbness' or 'the turbulent seas' -- they're great images but they feel abnormal for the [i]narrator[/i] to be saying. Mind you, that's a pretty good problem to have -- you're essentially writing too well for the speaker, and fixing that means.... well, not deliberately 'writing worse,' but you have to sort of make an effort to really stay inside her head, and resist the perfect images if they're not images she would say right at that moment. [i]Then again maybe they ARE things she would say, and I'm mistaking what's natural.[/i] In that case it's pretty much on me, but you can help me out by using that sort of imagery even more often. Anyway. When I can nit-pick something that advanced, it means you're in really good shape, as if I even had to say it.... this is an exceptional story, and it hits a grand-slam on the contest theme. Remarkable.[/hider]

[hider=inspired by Poet and the Pendulum]It's brutal, it's dark, it's exciting, and the music suits it nicely. I think the style could be a little more.... deliberate, I guess? There's lots of extra stuff thrown in for flavor, and it tastes good, but it's not adding much to the whole piece. For example, the framing device -- the interrogation/interview parts -- are cool because they look forwards a bit, but it's nothing that you couldn't have done just by finishing the slaughter and thinking about the future. Adding the leaders into the mix just slows down the pacing, which is already a little slower than it needs to be -- the conflict is boxed into just a handful of lines, and then when it finally happens, it's being explained like a conversation instead of staying visceral and bloody and brutal like you want. The short version is, you sorta need to cook off some of the fat here.... there's enough extraneous elements jammed in there that it's really getting in the way of the story. Still -- you did a great job of expressing the mood and riling up the bloodlust for a very satisfying kill. It's good, it's just not polished is all.[/hider]

[hider=Unraveling] It's hard to decide what the conflict is in this poem, and that's... not super. You're using interesting imagery, especially with 'sticking the webs back together' and all that, but it's.... I don't know, missing something. Poetry has to really, [i]really[/i] hang together cohesively, and this doesn't really do that. That [i]could[/i] be done cleverly in a poem about unraveling, if for instance your words and sentences gradually got more scatterbained and bizarre as it went on. Instead it's all these different emotions like confusion and fear and paranoia that never really came together in the first place, and they sort of have to do that. I think it would work better if you really focused on [i]one[/i] potent thing and hammered it hard and explored it fully. It's..... ugh, I hate leaving the review like this, but it's the danger you run with poetry. I can't talk much about pacing or characters or anything like that.... it's just sort of exposed and vulnerable because it's so short, and when something like this doesn't come together well, there's just not enough else to talk about. Sorry! Hang in there though, poetry is brutal, don't feel bad.[/hider]

--short break for March Madness purposes, I'll finish up the rest momentarily! --

3/31 batch

[hider=Steppin' Out]My feelings about this story changed [b]dramatically[/b] as it went on, for the (significantly) better. It's a bit of a diamond-in-the-rough, I think, which is good and bad -- I mean diamonds are fantastic, but why rough, you know? It feels like three different pieces stapled together by a loose narrative, and I'm not crazy about that [i]except[/i] that they all sort of build on one another, and deconstruct one another, and like.... when it's all said and done, everything DOES matter, everything IS relevant to the story, but just not in a way that's clear as you're going along. And that's..... that's kind of a diamond, and kind of rough too, I guess. It's hard to nail down my feelings. 

Let's start with the first phase of the story, in the apartment -- when I'm reading that it seems like everything is [i]entirely[/i] too poetic in style. I mean it's one thing for Aily to be out of place in her home, but it reads like "Oh, this is just another author showing off author-stuff." [i]But it's not that.[/i] It's not that at all. You're actually setting the stage for this gradual departure into, frankly, free-verse poetry in the third section.... [i]and it's so damn cool that you can do that.[/i] But if I'm honest, when I started the story the feeling wasn't positive, because it wasn't clear where you were going, because you were being subtle and artistic. I don't want to say "Be less subtle and artistic," that's not a good rule to follow. But the flowery language in the dull setting is a little grating and I'm not sure what I'd do about that, because by the end, I'm glad this section is here. I.... I want to give advice on how to make this better for readers but I can't. Maybe just stating the impression will help you think of something? I hope so.

Second section (in the elevator) is where I started to grasp where the story was going, and I fell in love right away. This is where, it felt like to me, you were hitting your natural writing style. It's not dressed up anymore, it's just raw and frank and still strangely poetic. GREAT! I feel physically assaulted by the other elevator passengers, just like Aily. There's stuff I would write differently but that's only because I'm not YOU -- this section is all you, and it's working for me. 

Third section is where you blew my socks off, and where the other parts came together. A wild Aily appears, observe it in its natural environment, see how it behaves, how it thinks. Damn the paragraph, damn the narrative, you're in a brain now, witness synapses. [i]This is so cool.[/i] Part of me wishes that section three was all you did -- and the bigger part of me says no, it unifies the rest of the story, and the rest of the story adds important context.

So this review got long. I'll wrap it up like this -- your story here is pretty one-of-a-kind. Writing that way is dangerous and bold, and you should continue doing it as often as possible, knowing that sometimes it won't make sense to readers. That said, in the interest of development and growth, you should also try writing...... well I don't want to say "More commercial" fiction, but "more conventional" perhaps, because that's easier to share and appreciate. I like your voice in the elevator segment best, in terms of average-every-day storytelling, and I like your voice in the last segment as poetry. The first is a strange juxtaposition and I'm not crazy about it, even though it serves a purpose in this story. Overall -- it's definitely a diamond here, I'm sure about that much, and even though I'm not positive that I know how to polish it, it does feel a bit rough. Rough, but extremely valuable. POOP I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THE THEME -- kind of a cool 80s vibe in the song that matches up nicely with the peripheral characters, moreso than with Aily. It's almost ironic, much as I hate that word... it sets a stage and she hates the stage, and that's a really cool way to approach it. Okay, I'm done. Remember -- diamond![/hider]

[hider=Kings]"Thought-provoking" and "powerful" come to mind. It marries well with the playful artisan music to give this, like.... really confusing and credible delusion and puts me right there on the street. You sorta took it apart for a few lines when you brought the junkies back down to reality for a second -- I'm not crazy about that, honestly, I'd rather leave them in their crystal palace, but the moment of clarity isn't really hurting anything much. There's a couple times where word choice comes across a little awkward ("coat of arms that coat our arms" makes sense, but it'd be a stronger metaphor if it was simplified to just "track marks on our wrists, a coat of arms" or something like that -- repetition works too but I'm not crazy about it). Sparse tiny departures aside, the whole poem hangs together so well and draws so much from the music..... It's really, really, amazingly strong poetry here, okay, that's what I'm trying to say. Excellent stuff. You don't need much from me -- I'll tip my hat and say great job. This is great stuff.[/hider]

[hider=headfirst slide into cooperstown on a bad bet]This one is harder for me to grasp, because it's (I think intentionally) a little vague about the fall. I've gone over it a bunch of times and compared with the song lyrics, and I feel like I'm getting *sort of* an idea of what's going on narratively, but to be frank I think I need some help to really get it (feel free to discuss -- I mean we're supposed to feign anonymity this contest but it's not a big deal really and I could be more helpful if I could tell what you're going for). Focusing [i]just[/i] on the level of poetry and language -- it's really cohesive. There's just one word that leaves me hanging, "Stall" at the end -- I can't really tell what it's supposed to mean from context, partly because I'm having such a hard time sniffing out the context, but on the surface it seems like one of those "Well this word rhymes and it's close to what I want" situations, which I never like. It's nice when things can rhyme, but nicer when the words say what the words are supposed to mean. [i]Maybe this does[/i] -- I can't say for sure. Anyway I suspect this whole line of review isn't particularly helpful, sorry. I can tell that you've got the tools to write good poetry, and this honestly [i]could be really great[/i], I just can't arrive at the reason why on my own. Need help. I'd be happy to talk more about it though, if/when you're able to share some authorly insights into it.[/hider]

--4/1 edition--

I meant to finish the rest last night but no bullcrap, I almost hit a stray dog with my car on the way home and I wound up taking care of her all damn night long. Kept trying to fight my other dogs -- it required a lot of attention. SO! On we march, a day late, a dollar short, but finishing it all right now.

[hider=Escalation of Two Brothers]You took the lyrics quite literally and let them carry you through a fast-paced action sequence. Feels almost like you could sub it into the climax of an X-men movie and the action would stand up just fine, and the emotions are strong. I feel like it's missing some characterization -- I mean we have two characters, yes, and their intentions and motivations and feelings are all very clear, but what it's missing is.... well, actually I guess the perfect phrase would be the "Escalation" of the two brothers. The way it's written it's almost like a switch got flipped and they're just [i]boom[/i] at this super-high level of power and emotion, but they never [i]go[/i] there -- they're just simply [i]there.[/i] The reason it's like that is, you've chosen a very high-paced plot and you've stuck with that (as you should), which simply doesn't leave enough time for characters to stop and smell the roses. The flashbacks and memories are crammed into not-enough space, so there's no room to build the characters up like you'd need to do, in order for this to stand alone as a solid short story. It's more like a scene (or scenes) from a movie -- if you'd had a whole movie to sort of weave in all the backstory, it would work a lot better. Which I mean, that's the goal, isn't it -- I think lots of us have aspirations of writing novels and movies and that sort of thing. This is the sort of scene you get to write when you build the situation up properly. On its own, like I said, it's missing the development -- the escalation. Which is ironic enough that I seem to want to repeat it :/ Major points for weaving in the song lyrics naturally. The world seems built around the song, in a good way. It's a big score on the contest theme, and it's a really cool action sequence.[/hider]

[hider=Little Me]First of all, that's not a song I've ever heard and I had to stop reading so I could listen to it all. Awesome stuff! Okay, on to the story -- [i]so good[/i]. It's pure character, raw, and I mean yes, the monologue is pretty much straight out of the lyrics but you made it mean so much more than just the words, I've got no complaints at all. We could talk writing style a little bit -- you slip into passive voice a little more than you should, especially in the first paragraph (which *almost* works, as like a memory device, but even then it's just a bit too much). Most of the writing is raw and powerful, but [i]every now and then[/i] the character "had pushed" something instead of just "pushing" it, or whatever, you know? Those little actions are stronger when you're direct about them, and they do need to stay strong (especially with such a strong story to tell). The end left me wishing that the 'spell' had worked completely -- that she'd put down the picture frame on her billionaire CEO desk or something, but you kept it a little more grounded and real -- Big Me is still left with the consequences of her life, and that's.... I mean, wow, that's good. Seriously, wow. I totally would've taken the easy way out if I was writing -- you did way better than I would've done. All in all, positively great. A ding here and there for language but it's almost negligible (ALMOST). You can take care of business in that department, I'm sure. Great job.[/hider]

[hider=shades of white and black]Crazy deep poetic storytelling, handling a pretty major question without apologies. That's brave and that's [i]exactly[/i] what you needed to do with this story -- and you did it very well. You're walking sort of a middle-road between poetry and prose -- a very interesting road, with lots of room to wander around. The structure you used works on this road -- normally, with typical prose, I would be pretty off-put by writing almost a third of the story inside the character's head, but here it's exactly as it should be. Same goes for the scenery-over-action approach -- this isn't a story about [i]doing[/i] things, it's about what you're thinking when you're at these places (or at [i]this[/i] place in your life). Because of that, because all the conflict is internal, you get to skip things like actually talking to store owners, or running into someone on the street, or whatever -- they're unnecessary [b]here[/b]. Obviously in other pieces, especially in straight-up prose, you need action and interaction, but not here. No this... this is right. I think you could throw in some spicier language here and there, maybe, but this isn't like... Man, reviewing it is almost surreal, because you honestly don't need any help from me, I'm pretty sure. In summary, I loved it. This is one I can sit back and think about, not just because of the story itself or the message, but because of how well it's written. Pretty special stuff right here.[/hider]

[hider=cops and robbers]Oh man, finally! I read this one as it came in and I was eager to review it, but I had to work my way up. Okay. The thing that made me excited here is that there are two major elements in your story -- stuff that's [i]fantastic[/i], and stuff that's easy to fix. And I like to pretend that I'm an all-knowing guru who can help you fix the easy stuff, so this is like, heaven for me. First up -- the great parts. Pacing-wise, action-wise, plot-wise, [i]you're knocking it out of the park.[/i] There are cool and interesting things happening as the story moves along, and you dwell on them [i]precisely[/i] as much as you ought to -- that is, I mean, I can't even begin to tell you how rare that is. You're not drawing out the fights, you're not rushing the infiltration, you're just moving the plot along like a well-oiled machine. [i]Except.[/i] The extended flashback -- which, on its own, is every bit as strong as the rest of the story -- doesn't fit in where you put it (which, let's be honest, is everywhere). If you were to highlight everything in italics and press "Delete," your story would be twice as good. If you were to highlight everything *not* in italics and press "Delete," it's.... well maybe not as good as the other half, but better than the whole. Did you catch that? You did so many things so well that it actually got in the way! Writers sign pacts with Beelzebub to have those kinds of problems. The way I see it there are two ways to fix it -- one, swear off flashbacks forever (or for a story or two, whichever comes first) and [i]force[/i] yourself to lace all those emotions and all that history into the scene [i]without[/i] explicitly writing it all out. A look here, a nod there, a meaningful comment that implies past events.... That's a good talent to have and a great thing to practice. Option two, take that italicized story out, plop it in front of the current scene, and flesh it all out until the two grow together organically. Add some setting in front, and some development in-between, and some conclusion after.... buddy, you've got a novella. 

Okay, that's the part I've been dying to say. More generally -- I'm not sure if the song is a great fit (someone else mentioned that in a review already, I agree). Some of the sentences aren't perfect. Some of the interplay between Max and Ashe is a little unclear. [i]Most of both those things is great![/i] I'm just saying it's not without room to polish up a bit. I wouldn't dream of wasting your lines with more setting, as the story currently stands, but if you were to expand it into something longer, there are lots of unanswered questions about the world (and it would make more sense to explain what's up with Enforcers before all this action kicks off -- but only if you've got lots more room to do so). Overall, I mean, what else can I say, you're [i]actually writing too much good stuff for your own good[/i]. Appreciate that for a minute. That's wonderful. [/hider]

[hider=smoke and mirrors]Atypical poetry is [i]dangerous[/i], keep doing it. There's no meter, and when there's no meter the rhyme is a little cheaper than usual, though not free. Words like "Insane" simply aren't good enough -- even if it sets you up for 'Hiding the pain,' you can't be so broad when you're writing something this concentrated. "Drives nails into my brain," or.... you know, something.... powerful, something graphic and meaningful. Flavor. When you're making a taco with only three ingredients they have to be [i]perfect[/i] shreds of lettuce, [i]perfect[/i] ground beef. If that taco shell is even just a little bit too hard, you'll know when you bite in. The mask is doing it, the lie is working, the fall, you know, okay, but.... The taco needs more hot sauce, or something, it's just missing that [b]power[/b] that it needs. Reading a poem like this should physically hurt me. Maybe put some broken glass in the beef -- shock me, harm me, just don't be... vanilla, you know? Alright, enough. It's a good match to the soundtrack and it's a great subject for poetry, and you shed all the stupid conventions that you didn't need, so you could focus on your theme. But it needs to do more, I guess. Solid effort though. Poetry is hard, because only the most not incorrect words are important for choosing with, or the good flow that can't be interrupted, is. 

...[/hider]

[hider=sky full of stars]More dangerous writing! That's always a good trick to get on my good side right off the bat, incidentally, if anyone's wondering. Write things that have a chance to piss people off, and you're starting from a good place. Of course, I mean, the charming little Kuba isn't ruffling any feathers, but Dad isn't messing around. I mean, I wouldn't mind if he was even MORE blunt about it -- someone tells your little girl that their pop's gonna die, I'd be pretty upset, right? But this portrays a really happy, healthy relationship in a bit of a tough spot. Great musical fit, fine writing throughout -- I'm in critic mode so there was a spot or two of unnecessarily passive voice (spoiler alert: there always is), and it jumped out at me in my current mindset a little, but it's negligible stuff. I like the atmosphere of the story, and the pace -- sets the scene and then gets right to the point, and winds down quickly but comfortably. If I had to gripe (I do, I have to gripe at everyone), the very beginning -- bigger fish to fry, 11-year-old mind, these feel a little out of place, like you weren't quite in the groove yet (I mean, once you hit the groove, the writing is sublime). I have a hundred more good things I could say, but good things are boring, so I'll shuffle on -- nice work, terrific story, brave approach, and hey, it's a story about [i]something worth writing![/i] How cool is that?[/hider]

[hider=novocaine]boy howdy, speaking of dangerous writing, right? I. LOVE. THIS. SO. MUCH. I. CAN'T. EVEN. PUNCTUATE. Alright, people who might happen by this review -- [i]this is how you write a goddamn verse.[/i] If you held anything back on this, it was just to match the rhythm better (but I'm not convinced you held anything back). Frankly you're a shoe-in for the mic drop, even if more people had gone for that angle, this was executed flawlessly -- and that's not saying enough, what else can I say... raw emotion and downright righteous judgment -- you're stomping on a whole bunch of toes that need some stomping. I uh.... I mean, look, poetry is really easy to mess up because all it takes is one little error, and you're boned. You didn't make any errors -- not even little ones. Flawless. [i]Absolutely. Flawless.[/i] I should probably say something about the musical inspiration -- I adore the way you turned it on its head. Your lyrics are better than stupid Fallout Boy, did they even [i]hear[/i] their own music?[/hider]

[hider=No Place I'd Rather Be]It's worth mentioning that this is one of the creepier/more-clever music videos I've seen in a while. And the music is a perfect match to the story [i]but[/i] I don't really feel like.... like you [i]owned[/i] it, you know? I mean it's one thing to include lyrics -- that's totally fine, and you included them in ways that made sense and worked. But I guess what I'm saying is, they didn't feel like they became [i]your[/i] words, [i]your[/i] story -- it's a happy love story that just sorta comes across like most of the other happy love stories. And don't get me wrong -- it's adorable, it's written well, but it's just such a [i]safe[/i] story to write. Maybe I just need to come down a bit after reading a few daring pieces in a row, but this story doesn't take a whole lot of chances (the narrator is taking chances, and he's a lot of fun that way I suppose). There's not a lot of conflict to drive things along, and there's not a lot of "unexpected" anything, not that you necessarily NEED such a thing but.... I don't know, it's hard to describe. It's like someone painted a mountain, and then you painted their painting of the mountain. It's fine, it's a good painting and all, it's just.... it's missing that personal touch, which, ironically, should pretty much come naturally, if you let it. I could be off the mark here, I guess. I love the turns of phrase, like "We like different houses, but we also like the same houses." That's the part that sounds like you. I want more of that, I want.... the story that comes from wherever that phrase came from, that's what I want to read. Idunno. I'm getting inside my own head now, and that means I'm useless if I keep on ranting. It really is a beautiful story though.[/hider]

[hider=perfect day]whooooooooooooaaaaah that song choice, dude, that song is...... this story is..... dude. Alright, chilling "You're going to reap just what you sow" aside... no, not aside, not yet. You were very deliberate about your theme, so much that if I didn't give you high praise, I'd be an idiot. The plot, the theme, the characters are [i]impeccable.[/i] The writing itself is not [i]quite[/i] that good, but ignore that for a minute because the big-picture aspect of writing, the important parts, that make all this worth doing -- you are so much on the money there, it's actually scary. That part doesn't come easy, and you've got it. 

Now, the writing. And I'm talking here about sentence structure, word choice, formatting, that stuff -- that part needs some work, [i]but working on it is fun when you've got the big picture[/i]. It doesn't have to come in like a chemical formula, or some math equation, or whatever -- but your writing needs more clarity, and I think that (IN THE SHORT TERM) approaching it more methodically would help. For example, Collin's funeral is like a [b]massive[/b] motivating factor in this plot -- it's not, you know, the one thing that drives Eric into overdose, but it's huge, it's significant. The way you've written it, the funeral is buried in back-halves of long paragraphs, and terminal ends of this wandering train of thought as he debates whether or not to shoot up. Why not lay it out flat? Give a paragraph to each of these turning points -- Eric plays with the needle and thinks about Collin, he sticks it in a vein and thinks about his brother, he touches the plunger and thinks about his ex. Instead it's all jumbled in there piecemeal and that's a little confusing, right? As it's written, even when Eric is thinking about Collin, he's not really thinking about Collin -- and the reader has to assemble the funeral day (or the day he found out at least) bit by bit as we go along. 

There's some language stuff too (mostly just passive voice, as usually happens for basically everybody). That handles itself as long as you keep writing more stuff. And you? You write [i]interesting, compelling stuff[/i], so when it all comes together it's going to be out of this world. I think the immediate solution is to focus a little on structuring things more clearly, and the rest just gets better every time you put ink to paper (or finger to keyboard, or whatever). I'll say it again because I spent too long criticizing and not long enough complimenting -- you wrote a [i]phenomenal story.[/i] It's sapped a little bit by the structure, but only a little bit. Literal, actual chills down my spine as that song wound down. That's a gift -- use it![/hider]

[hider=it watches]You certainly crafted a frightening beast! The 'bad thing' is almost like one of those Grimm monsters -- it's there, out to get you, watch out -- too late. It's cool, and it's dark and scary... this is one of the rare poems though where, honestly, I think it would be [i]better[/i] if you chained yourself to some kind of rhythm/rhyme scheme. Maybe not a totally conventional one but, I mean, it's scarier when the language all lines up, somehow. With a poem like this, where it's not so much about the emotions or the story, but just creating a presence -- that's something that rhyme can help with, like, a lot. "Double double toil and trouble," or "Fe-fi-fo-fum," you know? I mean it doesn't have to be cheeky and childish, but rhyming (CAN) add a lot of significance to the character/creature/thing. So, I mean, my money says that this particular poem (and ****NOT**** all poems, or even most of them) would benefit from a regular pattern like that. What else.... Musically I think the mood was a little different, between the song (which felt a little hotter) and the poem (which was more just dark and foreboding). Still a fit, still obviously the inspiration is there, but it's not as strong a connection as some of the other poem entries. Word choice is typically great, with occasional departures (I don't like 'ignorance entwined,' even though it almost looks like it could be a great phrase). The atmosphere, the creature, all the creative bits are really good, I just find myself wishing for more order is all. So like, I guess the free-verse decision isn't something I'm crazy about (just for this one thing). It's otherwise really good.[/hider]

[hider=Go West]Another really strong one. I love what you did with the song -- modernizing it, making it significant without totally chaining yourself to it. You've got the good elements like conflict, strong emotions, characters (a [i]little more[/i] characterization wouldn't hurt, by which I mean more than just physical shapes and hobbies and whatnot, but it's not like you didn't paint a picture here, they're really fine as-is). You did a risky thing by writing in present-tense, but I think you pulled it off -- it has to do more than simply "not detract" from the story, it has to ADD to the story, and it totally did. I guess if I was gonna pick out one thing to work on, I think the love interest doesn't get enough spotlight -- when the narrator speaks, we hear his thoughts and we see his actions, but 'sweetheart' sort of just reads his lines and then waits for his turn again. I mean, not really, but the narrator [i]does[/i] sort of hog the emotional spotlight a bit. Maybe he's supposed to, maybe that's the kind of relationship they have -- kudos if so, that's a clever way of showing it! But a thoughtful look or two wouldn't kill you. Anyway, the writing is good, the important stuff is all there, and I'm left wanting MORE instead of less, which is always a great sign. And of course again, it [i]is[/i] the perfect song, and that's kind of the sorta-point of the contest. Fantastic work.[/hider]

[hider=still waiting]There is so much awesome in your writing that I feel bad even saying this -- the ending, dude, the ending, why so flat? Let's back it up for a second... You set an [i]amazing[/i] scene, more than once as the setting moved through night and into morning. The reminiscing, the waiting -- the characterization throughout all of that, the gradual introduction and expansion of this conflict forced upon their lives. Those emotions she's feeling that night, that she's felt over the years -- it's beyond great, it's downright professional. I mean honestly, it's that good. For 98% of the story I feel like I should be holding a magazine, that I had to pay for, to read this. And then it just..... ends. Like you dropped an atom bomb and then cut to black and rolled the credits before it went off. It's too good for that. You're too good for that. I don't mean necessarily that I absolutely must have weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth, but [i]something[/i], right?! And listen -- this only bothers me because I'm [i]desperate[/i] for one more line, one more paragraph, whatever it is, whatever I can get, I [i]need[/i] more. It's like a metronome has been beating perfect rhythm for hours, and then suddenly rushes a beat and explodes -- I can't stand it, it's an outrage, I'm outraged, it's outrageous! Can I say that stronger? I uh..... ahem. Well I...... I think I made that point. GOOOOOOOOOOOD I WANT ANOTHER LINE!!!! COME ON!!!! ONE MORE LIIIIINEEEEE PLEEEEEASE!!!! 

....sorry. I don't know what... came over me there, i just.... Look. "Outstanding" isn't a strong enough word. This. Is. Perfect. Writing. And then suddenly, for no apparent reason, it isn't. And that just.... that's getting to me so hard. This feels so harsh and I just can't stop myself from saying it -- you deserve more out of this story. And it's right there. And you can totally get it. You gotta. You just gotta.[/hider]

[hider=homesick]WHEW -- alright, you're the last review on the list (I do have two more bonus pieces I'm gonna get to, but more to the point....) I can say with confidence that you put in, like, a whole other level of effort on the musical front. I don't have a lot of experience with song reviews, I mean, my brother was in a couple bands and I get the process a little bit just from seeing that over time.... This isn't a story or a poem, it's a [i]song[/i], and there are different rules. It's about more than just what's down on paper. So the little things like "Your" instead of "You're," I mean, [i]who cares[/i], this is meant to be heard, not read. And as a song? I mean.... like I said, I don't do songs every day, or week, or month, or whatever -- but as a song, seriously what could I even detract from this? It's doing everything that a good song should do -- you've got a great chorus, and the whole thing is just packed with that [i]one[/i] special emotion, building on it, growing on it... There's that one line, "How long I wait," where maybe when I hear it out loud, it sounds a little rushed -- but that's just inflection, rhythm, you know, singer-stuff that you'd clean up on the next take with no problem at all. I love hearing it, too, by the way, your voice and the arrangement and all that, it's adding another layer to what's already a solid foundation. On its own, just as it's written (okay maybe I'd clean up "an" into "And," just for the sake of text).... it's already a ridiculously strong piece. Add in the recording? Look I'd buy you a studio if I could so the mic was cleaner, but jeez. You went all-out here, and for me personally, it paid off big time. This isn't my genre or anything, but everything about it just sounds right. Thanks for this. Really. I'm glad you brought the noise to this contest, and I can't imagine a better way to wrap up my part in it.[/hider]

DONE AND DONE except for our bonus entries, which I really want to get to, so.... later tonight, I bet, I'll leave some lesser thoughts on those. Guys -- this was a blast. I know I've said it like a hundred times, but that's only because I really mean it -- I'm so thrilled with this contest, not because of anything I did, but because of what you guys brought to the table. You nailed this thing. I could die happy right now, I mean, if I'd finished [url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NTSGp4UdEvQ]that novel I've been working on[/url], so I guess dying will have to wait, but seriously. [b]Thank you[/b] for partcipating. Let me say again for the record, if I've rubbed [i]any[/i] of you the wrong way, please for the love of god ignore me, I'm just some moron on the internet who likes reading your stuff, and in all cases I only mean well. Now that I'm done with reviews it's time to start lining up the next round, and for real now, I hope every single one of you comes back. Thanks again, and keep on writing.