Hey Rocket,

You ain't alone. As someone who struggles with depression and addiction, I can empathize. A few scattered thoughts:

I think it's important to realize the incredible travesty that the act of suicide always is (though psychological conditions can mitigate personal culpability, of course, and we shouldnt be quick to judge anyone). Suicide leaves behind a trail of devastated people, many of whom will never recover from the loss of someone they loved and were unable to help. I have seen this up close, and it is horrifying. Many people think others will be 'better off' when they are gone. The opposite is true. Suicide opens wounds in others that never heal.

I think suicide is almost always a failure of perspective, an inability to see that life will not always be like it is now, a failure to count the consequences that an irrevocable and traumatizing act would have on others, and a failure to understand that doubts about self-worth, etc, are a normal part of life, especially for younger people, and they are important to struggle through and face. When interviewed, one person who threw himself (or herself, not sure) off the Golden Gate bridge and happened to survive said that he realized as soon as he jumped that all of his seemingly unfixable problems were in fact fixable- except for the fact that he had just jumped. 

On a more personal note, the most significant writer that helped me is the now (somewhat obscure) british author GK Chesterton, who himself was suicidal in his younger years. Chesterton was a poet, novelist and a deeply brilliant (if amateurish and unsystematic) philosopher and theologian, who learned to find a sort of exuberant joy and wonder from the world around him. He really fell in love with reality, and saw his whole life as an adventure. To boot, he ended up as an inspiration for authors like CS Lewis, Neil Gaiman, Tolkien, Borges and many other literary and philosophical giants. As someone who eventually went in to academic philosophy and explored the ah, other options in some depth, I still think Chesterton's attitude toward the world, God, and others is deeply right. The sort of dazed, incredulous wonder at the world that Chesterton describes is important to rediscover. CS Lewis also discusses it in his short book the Four Loves, and it is the root of much of (good) literary fantasy from Tolkien to the present. Gratitude for existence, for all the good things we take for granted, even with all the evil in the world and trials in our life, is a hard but worthwhile attitude to cultivate- and it is a different thing entirely from naivety, [url=https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/Panglossian]pan-glossianism[/url] or credulousness.

And just to echo HeySeuss- I'm glad you're still with us.