review time for MDK! In the interest of getting to everyone these are going to look [i]really[/i] cursory at a glance -- I'm trying to get straight to the meat and leave everything else off, [i]but assume I have more to say[/i], and if you want to talk more in depth, I can do that (here and/or in PM, both work for me)

[hider=reviews]
[hider=ultimate power] [@RomanAria][b]Flashbacks are bad and you should feel bad![/b] Okay, got that out of the way. It's not so much the flashing back, but just in general, the story skips around an awful lot. For a short story (especially for a SHORT short story), a more solid structure works better. The conflict is believable -- Chinese emperors especially had to deal with this bullcrap. But it feels a little contrived [i]possibly[/i] because of the way it comes up -- imagine this same story playing out over a single scene, with no flashbacks or post-mortem notes. A friend comes in and says "What up homegirl" and Olivia has to decide whether she's politically able to save him/her. Instead of reading "This is a thing that happens in this empire," I'd rather watch it [i]actually happen[/i], you know? Might've hit on the theme a little more that way, hard to say.[/hider]

[hider=Too Much Power][@Psyga315][b]Very[/b] interesting developments in the story. Certain things are a little underwhelming though -- when Zack is lamenting a dozen people dead in Turkey, I don't feel any connection to that incident -- like I would if, say, it was some warlord he's already tangled with? Or maybe the people killed were people he's already tried to save, or failed somehow? His attachments to the world aren't all that engaging to me as a reader (I might be alone in that -- that's how I feel though). But his interactions with his [i]brother[/i] are great, and their relationship is growing very very interesting after this installment. That part is the focus and it's strong. I'd like to see what happens if you were to focus on one specific, meaningful civilian/crisis/issue and like [i]really[/i] get me invested in that, for a chapter or two.[/hider]

[hider=Curiosity Killed the Cat][@Wisedragongirl] Oscar is (understandably) a little one-dimensional, because this is a story about that specific aspect of who he is, and what did I really expect was gonna happen? But I'd like to see another side of him. There's maybe a little too much exposition at the beginning, which clears up nicely when the sprites/nymphs/creatures show up -- that part is gold, and part of the reason is, you know, their role hasn't been spelled out -- they're just unfolding before my eyes. I like that, especially in an exploration story. Is there a way to do more of that more often? Maybe instead of saying "No one ever comes out," you could write about Oscar happening across a few bodies and figuring out who they were, what happened, etc. [/hider]

[hider=Forbidden Knowledge Grace][@Flagg]OK so I said it before -- I [i]love[/i] this writing. It's..... possibly a complete and total miss on the theme, but I don't [i]care[/i], I love it. There's layers and layers of story, and sometimes I'm not getting enough to really follow what's happening (and that's fine by me) -- particularly Part Two, I think, was a glimpse of something that I don't understand yet. And again, I [i]like[/i] that in a story (though I assume it gets a [i]little[/i] more relevance at some point). I dig pretty much everything here, but especially [i]the kids[/i], god, that was terrifying.[/hider]

[hider=Otherworld][@Dark Wind]Fantastic. I love the decaying sentences. I love the decaying. I love. I mean.... the coolest thing here was that it felt like we were sharing the delusion. Would've been much easier to write about snorting coke and shooting up, but written this way, I'm very much in Mark/Merkel's shoes for the whole journey. I think the ending might've been a [i]little[/i] abrupt -- Mark looking at Merkel's shadow, I mean, that's gold, and it feels like a real turning point -- but it's just a line or two before the story's over. Which is hopeful I suppose.... it ended before I wanted it to end, and that's pretty great really. Nice work.[/hider]

[hider=I think therefore I am]Yiiiiiiiiiiiikes that's creepy. Theme homerun, for sure. Other than spelling (heh) I'm not sure what sort of improvements I could even suggest.... Maybe a scream at the end, where they both just start shrieking in unison, that would drive it home. Nah -- it's perfect the way it is. EXCELLENT.[/hider]

[Hider=Swordmaster][@PlatinumSkink] Right? It's good. We're dealing obviously with a very action-heavy story, and the action is solid. Since it is a battle, I'm not going to stress out much about 'OH THERE WASN'T ENOUGH BACKGROUND FOR XYZ," I mean, this is a [i]fight[/i] not a bible story. The scene with the kid isn't super -- the points are getting across, this is a badass swordmaster with a specific attitude, he's issuing a challenge, he's scary and he killed his dad.... it's not [i]super[/i] though, and it almost could be. If we focused a little more on character development, in like an [i]active[/i] way, during that scene, it would carry the action a little better later on. 

I think you [i]are[/i] abusing the ellipsis a little bit, and that's something I do myself, so I'm really not trying to offend. There's a [i]lot[/i] of ellipses in here. I mean a [b]whole[/b] lot. I'm not saying EVERY SINGLE ONE needs to be replaced with sentences, but most of them probably should be. As an exercise, try writing out a few connective sentences/fragments/whatever, especially on the trailing ellipses, and see what comes out. It might be better (it might not, too, but still). Whenever there's [i]that much[/i] of something in a story -- be it ellipsis, comma, or 'he said,' it's time to swear off that element for a while just for the sake of growth. Even if it worked perfectly every time, you wouldn't gain much by doing it again.[/hider][/hider]

[hider=response to Thirteen Flat reviews]Glad people like it! I was trying my hardest to write something [i]completely[/i] different and I just couldn't make it go, so I tried some drag racing.

[@Terminal] -- Yeah I could've played up the personal benefits a bit more. It was tricky, since I was mostly in John's head for the whole story but it was [i]really[/i] a story about Michael. And Michael's got good things going on -- courage, overcoming adversity, the best cars money can buy. These things make him feel alive and it's [i]supposed[/i] to come across from, like, the crowd reacting, or 'that spark in his eye' or whatever. He's addicted to the rush though, and that nearly kills him again. Or does get him killed. Schroedinger's Michael, I guess. BUT YEAH -- from the outside perspective it's hard to tell what exactly he's getting out of these races. I could've given him trophies or prize money or a hot wife or something to make that clearer. I think I was counting on the accolades at the end, where everyone decides "Sure, that was 13.0, why not?" to sort of convey the kind of recognition Michael's after. And he got it, sort of, for a price.

[@PlatinumSkink] -- well "FLAWLESS" is probably overstating it, but thanks! I think lately though "We already know how this is going to end" has been a theme in some of my writing, and I need to build in some more tension/uncertainty. Watching people go through the motions can be fun and all but no one's exactly on the edge of their seat, wondering what's going to happen. I'm gonna work on that.[/hider]