[hider=My immediate reaction, made prior to calming down]The story was initially lighthearted. I did not feel like making a serious tone of it in the first part, because that in this method would be utterly boring. The guards weren't disinterested in their jobs, just bad at it. He never directly disobeyed orders. You should not really compare it to MGS, though it inspired the work, it's in no way connected.

I don't see the problem in any of those sentences. Sure, they could be structured in a more formal way, but I don't see the problem with them. I do not consider them mistakes. ... Alright, the line about letting him shoot if they had to shoot someone could have been better, but the majority of these I have no problem with. I read it through twice before sending it in.

Since you say I adhered to the challenge parameters I will personally consider myself having cleared the challenge because I was not convinced by the reason why I failed, though I will make no appeal because your reasons are clearly laid out and I do not think I can change them. I just don't think that actually makes my story bad. That's about that.

 

 

Edit a little while later: Hm... Perhaps I didn't manage to deliver the playful attitude I desired... Or place the aura I already have in my mind on my character into the actual entry... Oh, well...[/hider]

Edit:
[hider=Alright, let's go through these.] - "These men were terrorists, who had recently gotten their hands on a very dangerous such."

This refers to the missile mentioned in the previous sentence. I suppose I could have mentioned a missile specifically, but would that really be strictly necessary?

 
 - "Vulcer jumped the fence, the darkness aiding him as he had managed to slip by the spotlights and climbed up a nearby tree in order to get inside."

... Um. Lesse. I'm unsure. Maybe "climbed" should have been "climb"? Same as "slip" isn't "slipped", due to that "managed" already is as it is...

 
 - "Without hitch he fell down to the ground and let his feet meet the ground before he bent forward and rolled behind a building"

... Nope. I don't see anything. Perhaps the fact that there are two "and"s, which might be slightly unnecessary, but nothing truly striking.

 
 - "“That’s her choice. I don’t treat those who kill instead any different from how I do those who eat meat.” Because among other things, Vulcer is a vegetarian."

'Is' maybe should have been 'was', but... Why would you include the line, then? Is there something wrong with the line? Maybe I should have clarified that it is 'those who kill instead of tranquilizing' or something?

 
 - "Turned out their defenses was a joke."

Hm. One was, many were. Is 'defenses' multiple? Hm. Could be. Edit: Yes, it is, stupid! XD

 
 - "Miriel blinked as she realized who she pointed a gun at."

I see no issue.

 
 - "Miriel declared, moving back the mirror into her belt of gadgets"

... I see no issue. 'back' and 'the mirror' can change places to 'moving the mirror back into her belt of gadgets' but that isn't strictly necessary.

 
 - "“If possible, let me shoot those that we have no choice but to shoot unless we have no other choice.”"

Alright, that does sound odd. It should be "If we have to shoot someone, let me do it if possible." Because he had the darts.

 
 - "Miriel wasn’t as relieved, standing guard of the doors at all times, gun raised."

I'll have to assume the issue you see is somewhere in 'standing guard of the doors at all times'. Maybe it should be, hm, 'remaining vigilant of the doors with her gun raised', like? I mean, I think what I wrote works, but if I had to replace it.

 
 - "Everything drifted into blackness as Vulcer was aware of just how bad this was."

Hm. Maybe 'was' should be replaced with 'became'. But I'm pretty sure he already was aware of how bad it was.

 
 - "With that one-way mirror on his right, single entrance, a table in front of him and him bound to a chair, it looked like one of those rooms for interrogation."

... ... ... No, I see no problem with this sentence. If I had to guess... 'a table in front of him and him bound to a chair'? Not entirely sure what I'd replace it with, though. 'and he had been bound to a chair'?

 
 - "A small technological-looking explosive device, suited on top of a barrel which contents he could only guess, out of his reach."

I'll have to guess that 'out of his reach' is the problem you're intending. I could have cut the comma and made an 'Of course, it was out of his reach' sentence after it. I'm unsure.

 
 - "A red button, which function he could only guess, was in front of him on the table within his reach."

Alright, there I repeated 'could only guess', which I suppose I could have avoided. Other than that, I see no error here. I could have made it a little bit prettier with 'was placed in front of him', but nothing that is an error.

 
 - "That was probably the reason they were in his game and not just plain dead, anyway, so that’s probably a good thing."

Um. Should it have been 'that was probably a good thing' so that it's clear the that's isn't "that is" in the wrong tense? Because I see no other error here...

 
 - "The screen flicked away from displaying the two of kissing to Von Serge’s grinning and much less appealing face."

I think I missed the word "them", there. I actually did so again before I read this here through twice more when thoroughly analyzing the lines. My bad. XD

 
 - "None of you kill the other, and I guarantee that I won’t touch either of you"

Um. Besides that I don't see the problem, it's Von Serge putting it in odd words. Oh, well.

 
 - "He’d have to request to Viria to analyze this mission thoroughly and make sure to be prepared for anything."

I think I meant to write 'and make sure they'd be prepared for anything', but even besides that, is there a problem? It says that Viria is to be ready for anything now. Haha. Oh, well.[/hider]