Just two things. One very minor: [quote=@Millennium Jeff]Kyle stands, dressed in his duty uniform, [b]understand[/b] the brilliant rays of an artificial sun[/quote]
That's probably supposed to be underneath. Or something to that effect.

Two:
[quote=@Millennium Jeff]His life was a storybook, he knew no problems, even though the Federation was ripe with them. 
[/quote]
The Federation is characterized as a Utopia. Most conflict comes from outside the Federation (Romulans, Klingons, etc). So when you say problems, what sort of problems are you imagining?