It felt better once he'd gotten out all of that initial anger from his rude greeting. Before he could bother to speak up again, Mattie was already pleading her case to him. Her emotions, her rage -- and man, did it show. As she spewed out all of the hurt and anger she'd obviously been letting simmer inside of her for the past three years, Nicholas stood straight, arms crossed, fists clenched, jaw tightened. He stared at her, forcing his eyes to stay dry. Forcing his expression to remain stoic. It took most of his emotional and mental strength not to shoot back every reason and every excuse, every [i]good[/i] reason and every [i]good[/i] excuse he had. He was biting his tongue so hard that he could taste blood.

Mattie finished with an order for him to leave. At the moment, that was not going to happen. In a few minutes, that might happen. But he was not going to leave with her so exaggeratedly angry with him. Maybe it wasn't as exaggerated as he thought, but he wasn't going to let it continue to boil over like this. He could hear the growl in her voice. He could hear the pain. And that almost broke him. Almost.

"It's not your fault," he said. His voice was calm and steady, with only a underlining of shakiness. "I know it's my fault. I left you. While you were hurt, no less. I didn't tell you why. I just...left. I know. It seemed right at the time, and in the long run, it was for the best. I'll be able to explain it all. I know it won't excuse a thing. It won't excuse the pain you or I have felt these past three years. You're not the only one that hurt. There were times that I just wanted to say screw everything, screw our safety--" he choked over his words, throat drying. "--screw our safety and just...be together again. I couldn't do that. I saw what Jacob did to you. I wasn't going to let that or something worse happen again. He didn't want you. He wanted me."

Heat was pooling to the front of his face and he could feel his pulse throbbing in his neck. For a brief moment, his eyes slipped closed and a heavy breath was drawn.

"I don't know how I expected you to react when I came looking for you, and, well, found you. I really didn't know how you were going to react. I just didn't. I didn't come for sex, Mattie. I didn't...to be honest, I didn't even come for anything sexual. I have not even had sex since-- well, I mean, you know, in the simulation. That's just-- that's not the point. The point is that...that's [i]not[/i] what I'm here for." He pinched the bridge of his nose, scrunching his eyebrows together in irritation, before composing himself once again. "I don't-- God, I don't [i]want[/i] to tell you everything about why I'm here yet, I just wanted to enjoy finally being able to see you again before we had to go and...before...before everything. Just. Before everything went to hell. If everything goes that way. I just want you to be safe. That's all I ever wanted. I didn't mean for it to hurt anyone so bad. I know that sounds screwed up. I know that's not what it seems like. I know it did hurt you. But I couldn't come back. Not after I'd already left. Not after I'd already led him so far away from you."

He stopped there and began to chew on his lip. He looked away from Mattie and shook his head slightly, then shrugged his shoulders.