[quote=Raxacoricofallapatorius]
Teach me the ways of human courtship, Master Dervish.
[/quote]

Step one: Clubbing prospective mates to take them back to your dwelling is considered cruel and primitive. Stick to roofies. 

Step two: Wear enough cologne to make plants wither and die. It drives prospective mates crazy trying to find your natural scent that they are naturally drawn to you, despite the tears.

Step three: Only wear tear away track pants for obvious reasons. Time is of the essence.

Step four: Flowers and candle lit dinners are fine and all, but your prospective mate is more impressed if you take down big game and bring it to their dwelling as a gift. 

Step five: Install key locks on the inside of your dwelling; this prevents your prospective mate from leaving before the courtship is concluded.

Step six: Nobody likes poppy romance music. Black metal reminds your prospective mate that their time is finite, and they should definitely find a mate before it is too late. 

Step seven: Instead of rose pedals leading to the bedroom, leave condoms. It then becomes a game to determine which one your prospective mate will choose.

Step eight: When assuming the position, make sure it is a dominating one. Your prospective mate will not be impressed if they are overpowering you. They want to see that you aren't to be fucked with, which makes you worthy of fucking. See step four. 

Step nine: Once finished, make sure at least 25% of your prospective mate's body is covered in bruises. Anything less means they will not be satisfied and will find a better mate who will show them who's boss.

Step ten: Give them a relaxing bubble bath. Bonus points if you provide a rubber ducky.

Step eleven: Brush your prospective mate's hair to make sure that none of your critters escaped during step 8.

Step twelve: Order pizza. This is not negotiable.

Step thirteen: Make plans for next week, but show up the day before. This shows you aren't bound by laws of men. 

Congratulations! You are now the master of any relationship.