[quote=@PlatinumSkink]
[hider=mdk reply]snip[/hider]
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[hider=response to response to response]On the character-thoughts thing -- I figured that was probably the case, but that made such a good example.......... anyway the trick is making sure the reader's got zero doubts, and there are many ways to skin that cat. Italics are nice and easy, for example -- or alternatively, just omit those thoughts entirely (what are they really adding?), or write up a character action that implies those thoughts. Maybe Aaron blinks and looks around then shrugs and walks inside? 

But nevermind the one example, and don't sweat the whole idea too much -- it's just another tiny thing to keep in mind when you keep writing is all.[/hider]

[quote][hider=Act One]snip[/hider][/quote]

[hider=response to response]In order of simple answer to complicated: 

1. Anyang is not Besk, he's [url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yueTvPVf2Oo]an Arrested Development[/url] reference, lol... The message from Bunsen is supposed to be a joke/complaint about his boss. 

2. The reason I hated the 'exposition scene' so much is, it really broke up the pace. You're right -- that scene has to happen, you HAVE to get all those impressions about Bunsen being remarkably competent and diligent and all that -- but he [i]doesn't[/i] have to magically know everything, and he certainly doesn't have to preclude all the future investigations by just 'figuring it all out' in act one. Of course.... well he's not right about EVERYTHING, so stay tuned, but still. Anyway pacing is what really upsets me about it, personally -- I got done with it and I knew "man that's going to speed me right past a whole lot of character development" and I just stayed mad at it for the rest of the story, but I didn't have the time to go back and change anything -- hence all the references to how much I hated it. OH -- and the super-soldier aspect. That, I think, [i]really[/i] needs to slow down. I want you wondering how the hell she managed to beat up those guys for a LOT longer.

3. Making Abyss make sense was part of the effort. To [i]really[/i] bring it together, I'd want to get some of that super-sophisticated Abyss styling into the bigger story -- only some, but still, they really read like two completely unrelated pieces with similar villains. Also though -- this [i]is[/i] only act one. I think Bunsen stole something from future installments by explaining the entire operation, and he's in trouble for that. 

4. Comedy! When I went back and re-read it, there was a lot more comedy in the story than I remembered. It probably needs that. Brain-damaged rape victim therapy [i]is a pretty dark subject[/i] and this thing NEEDED some laughs to keep it going. Glad the jokes are landing, and hey, you finished -- so it must've been enough for now anyway.

5. [b]THE LABOR PART[/b] -- okay, so here's where it gets convoluted. [i]Everybody is lying to everybody. Everybody is using everybody. They're all tools, and they all get hurt.[/i] The 'big one' is still Leon (crime chief) literally controlling Taina and making her a witless pawn -- puts her in this whole situation, she hurts all her friends and herself, and she can't do anything to him because he's dead. At the same time, Taina is using Tony, and Tony is using her, in their respective revenge plots. Doesn't work out super well for either of them, and they hurt Maggie and Al. Speaking of -- Al's using Taina to build his company, and it's all for the best of reasons, but in a way he's still kind of a dick -- ESPECIALLY at the end, when (and I'm not sure at all if this was clear enough) he shuts down her dream/memories before waking her up in their final scene. Which leaves Maggie -- who's basically innocent of all that deception crap, I guess, but I hate her the most lol. If you follow her carefully, she's super weak, she changes her mind all the time, and she's -- for a smart person -- pretty out-of-touch and dumb. She's good at that caring-hospital-nurse-ish sort of role, but once you take her outside that, she sucks at everything. So I beat her up a lot. She's betrayed by pretty much everyone and physically hurt, and if I get to keep going on this, you'll probably hear more about how she sucks in the future, because she's really not the kind of person that does well. Which is a shame, because she's got nothing BUT good will towards others.

SO ANYWAY somewhere in that web of lies, I think, are two or three labor-clearing manipulations. I hope. Man I really want this to win, lol.....

BUT! Thank you so much for suffering through that idunno let's just call it a Bible. That length was uncalled for, and I'm genuinely sorry for taking up so much of your reading/reviewing time -- I was pretty worried that it's going to damage the reviews for other entries, though for now at least it's working out for everyone. Glad you liked it. The best part of finishing Act One is, I mean.... [i]this universe is finally ready for space cowboys.[/i] Dunno what's ahead, labor-wise, but believe that if an opportunity arises, we'll have us some zero-G gunslinging [s]before too long[/s] oh who am I kidding it's [i]entirely[/i] too long.....[/hider]