[quote=@Dead Cruiser] Notes within. [hider=Notes] All in all, there is nothing [i]wrong[/i] with your character. I do think it could use some fine tuning to better fit into the setting, though. The most dramatic suggestion is that I think your character would better fit in as an Atlantean. The alchemists of Atlantis are already well known for their metallurgy, and it would make sense for an isolated polis (that still swore fealty to the Emperor) to occupy the position that Steelstream did for years, out-maneuvering the political machinations of its rival cities. So, after a cultural remodel, I think your character could be gussied up a bit. Perhaps more emphasis on a set of skills that set him apart? At the moment he mostly just seems like someone who has had a lot of things happen to him, but not really done all that much himself. Just as a specific example, he sets out to adventure with no real goal in mind, with no mention of any skills being learned that kept him alive in this time. This part of his story could afford to be fleshed out. Anyway, I'm digressing. My idea would be to put greater emphasis on the "steel and forge" theme that his character carries. Perhaps he himself is a prodigious smith? An alchemical metallurgist? This could be used to spruce up his "Values" section, which is currently not quite what I'm looking for. For those, I want more symbolic representations of your character; ideas perhaps that common folk would associate with the legends of your character. Does that make better sense? That about covers my thoughts.[/hider] [/quote] The cultural change is easy enough to make, and doesn't mess with my image of him/Steel Stream at all, so that's easy enough. As for the other points- I was running into that issue myself. I suppose as the core his strength was with [i]influence[/i] for the people with/under him (Inspiring soldiers, fast friendships, getting people to accept adversity) but it wasn't put forth solidly/strongly enough, or as a concept is too poor for the RP. I wanted to leave it open for him to outmatch the common man combat wise (He's always led from the front without being killed, etc.) while not being able to match a character solely specialized in being legendary in combat to offset the advantages he has with his political power/holdings. I'll have to think on how exactly I'm going to retool him. [quote=@vietmyke] [@Snagglepuss89] Also, since your character has some stuff to do with the Sand Kingdoms, I could potentially help out/collab with you on that front, as my character is also from the Sand Kingdoms- or rather, what is left of the Sand Kingdoms. From information I got from Cruiser during the last OOC, the Sand Kingdoms don't really exist anymore, just large nomadic tribes and villages warring over dwindling stocks of resources in the region that once was Iiram/Sand Kingdoms. [/quote] That's a little disappointing, but also not hard to work with. I'll just need to scale down bits of his bio. I'm perfectly happy to collab on that part of his history.