[center][h1]Day 04 - A Song What Reminds Me Of Something Sad[/h1]

[hider=I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For][youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5vye_tNZYL8[/youtube][/hider]



I don't have a lot of good memories with my family. My parents have never agreed with certain...let's say 'lifestyles' that I live. My dad hates that I married an Asian woman, my mom hates anything other than the 'norm' and assumed I was just going through a phase even as I broke the news of my then-engagement once it became legal in my state. My grandmother even once called me up and told me to vote against the legalization of same-sex marriage in the state, and both she and my mother blame me for decisions my cousin has recently made in regards to his transitioning. There's not a lot of love between my immediate family and myself. I've never seen so many frowning faces at a wedding before. 

I hate U2 as a band. Like I think they are boring, pretentious, and not particularly memorable in any capacity. Bono sustains himself on a diet of his own sense of self importance and anyone calling themselves The Edge after the age of 14 needs a slap in the face. But my dad? My dad loves U2, specifically the earlier days of U2 - anything after 'Achtung Baby' he describes as "them going faggy". I had to listen to a lot of the Joshua Tree album growing up because it was an album of choice on road trips and casual drives. I hated it, but I couldn't really do much of anything about it. 

Over the past few years my dad has had a rough couple of patches. He's had two heart attacks. His diabetes is severe. He's had to have two toes amputated because of his poor dietary habits and sedentary lifestyle. His mother, my grandmother, recently had a stroke and his family issues are being brought back (my dad's siblings pretty much hate each other because they argue over who the favorite was and shit like that) and on top of everything he, while driving to see his mother in the hospital, blacked out behind the wheel. He was in such a worry over his mother that he didn't do anything about his low blood sugar that morning. He blacked out and got into a car crash. 

He's lost his license. He nearly lost his life. He's on the cusp of losing his job. Despite my parents and their thoughts on me, they're still [i]my parents[/i] and I don't want to be that person that can't forgive their parents even on their deathbed. So after hearing about the accident and everything I offered my services until a more permanent (read: bus pass) solution. I would wake up early, travel the distance to my parents' house and take my dad to work. I was hoping it would help us fix the rift that exists between us. 

The first day of this, of me driving him to work, I'm flipping through the radio and making small talk how I never got to decide the music on a drive and how the roles had been reversed. Just trying to be light and airy. One radio station was playing U2's classic 'I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For' and I was going to change it, but I remembered how much my dad loved the song and the album it came from. So I left it on. And I turned it up. And I started to sing the words. 

"Shut the fuck up, Fabricant, let the man sing," my dad responded and I shut up. But the first verse ended and from the passenger seat I heard "I stillllll haven't found what I'm lookin' forrrrr." My dad was singing the song. And I joined him. It was the first real bonding moment we'd had since I was a child. The two of us just sang the song together, our voices terrible but it didn't matter. 

The song ended and it's quiet in the car. My dad looks out the window and says "I thought you hated U2." So I shrugged my shoulders and answered. "They've got a couple songs that aren't so bad." He just snorts and says "I didn't raise you completely wrong after all". And that sort of stopped the conversation dead. 

This song always brings me to that moment and it always makes me sad because in my twenty nine years on this planet it's the closest my dad has ever come to saying "I love you" and "I'm sorry" and "I accept you". I do love my parents, somewhere deep down, but sometimes it's a wonder why I bother giving them olive branches. 

I suppose in a way...I still haven't found what I'm looking for.[/center]