Desperately trying to get reviews for everybody, but with my work schedule it's gonna be one-at-a-time at best, sorry! To start:

[hider=Thomas' Last Proof]So, to start with, you made some brave writer decisions with regard to style. Keep doing that, in spite of this.... it didn't [i]really[/i] work for me. The dropped particles (like 'Man says' instead of '[i]The[/i] man says,'), and also the present-tense (though I suspect that only bothered me because of the particles). Which I guess is ironic, in a story about (sub-atomic) particles and relocating them and the essence being lost in the translation thereof. I mean.... that's pretty damned ironic, and if it's deliberate that's quantum-level wordplay, I just don't think that's a smart move in terms of, you know, people reading. Anyway those kinds of writing decisions -- breaking with conventional rules and/or norms -- are bold, but they're really only bold because conventional rules and/or norms are safe. Step outside the lines and it can hurt you too. I feel like in this case, it hurt more than it helped, [i]possibly because[/i] this unique style created a sort of unsettling, un-technical atmosphere in a [i]very[/i] technical story. Dunno. It might legitimately be that I just didn't like it. Feel 100% free to disagree with me on that, you're the boss of your writing.

One thing I do feel pretty strongly about though is the exposition. It's one thing to deliver to the reader some essential understanding about the theory at the center of the action -- it's another to give us unnecessary details about the rising and falling stock of either character's company. A certain amount of backstory and explanation is always expected.... this was a little gratuitous. A LITTLE! Every time the story started to drag, it picked back up pretty quick. Food for thought anyway. If it's not directly contributing to the present, think really hard about breaking away from the present to talk about it. (Especially when writing in present tense?) And as a sidenote, ending the flashbacks with ... [i]totally[/i] implies an incomplete thought. That's.... I mean, that's what it means, right? It's rare enough for pro writers to use an ellipsis, but whenever they do, it's a cliffhanger. Really tough to make a cliffhanger-flashback, right? I stay away from them altogether, but that's just me.

... heh, and here I am using one (or several already). Okay. Well if you made it this far, you deserve some praise, because I never front-load this much criticism. Let's get to the good stuff, yeah? This was a [i]brilliant[/i] subject for a sci-fi short. The spectacle of it was.... well, spectacular. It's a very mature take on conflict -- particularly, I think, the part where Hans suddenly drops everything when he realizes his rival is in mortal danger. That's remarkably human, and very interesting in and of itself, even stripping away all the flashy future-magic. [i]This is the crucial point of the story[/i], and you absolutely nailed it, and that's why -- despite all those mean things I just got done ranting about -- I [i]really[/i] like what you're doing here. I can take or leave the lecture-hall drama -- that one interaction between characters, that's the beating heart of this story, and it's a human heart. The science? Yeah, cool, it's enough to get by -- but that character interaction, that's what I'm drawn to here. That's really good. Also, structurally speaking, constraining (almost) the whole plot in that one spectacular scene was effective. The backstory and flash-forward at the end break that spell just a little, but structurally speaking, you were smart here.

In summary: This is a very, very, VERY interesting conflict, maybe drowning just a little bit in detail and [i]maybe[/i] (you decide) reaching a little too far in the style-department. 

Caveat: if you decide this is your style and you're doing it anyway, then omit every single complaint I made about that. My intent isn't to tell you "This is wrong," only to say "This is how I feel about what you're doing." I don't get a vote, just an opinion and nothing more. The judges do get votes though, so for contest purposes, keep this kind of thing in mind (and of course, somewhere in the future, publishers get votes too).[/hider]

I feel terrible leaving just one at a time but I *have* to stop. Skink I'm reading yours as soon as I get home tomorrow, pinky swear. Hopefully others as well.