Hey [@ZayZe],

There are a couple of things I want to point out as a reader, let's start with grammar.

I think the dialogue runs as so:

"I guess it's about time to get on with [color=f7976a]today," he groans.[/color] Picking up his...

versus

[quote]“I guess its about time to get on with today.” He groans, picking up his[/quote]

The punctuation flows easier because it connects what he said to the action. I'm sure there's more to it than just that.

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I think your detail is great but it might be too passive in immersing the reader into your world. Are you familiar with active and passive voices? The tone I get from reading is like reading a text book that's describing factual information. I think I'd get more of a kick to understand your character's preference as in the how he perceives the world around him.

Does that make sense? I can explain more if needed.

There's also a passivity to your writing that needs to be balanced out by an active voice. This is more apparent during the setting explanation, the character's actions, and the encounters with other characters.

Here's a pretty good guide on this: [url=http://www.roleplayerguild.com/topics/46083-passive-voice-vs-action-voice/ooc]Passive Voice versus Active Voice[/url].

There are also some run-on sentences in your role play. Consider adding periods to end a phrase before starting a new one. Comma usage is tricky and it befuddles me sometimes as well.

A lot of rules I think I know intuitively but I break some of them too. I think it's okay to break some rules as long as the decision is made by choice. I hope this helps.