Name: Jackie O’neil

Image or Description:
He stands at 5’ 11” and still got a few more inches of growth left in him, most of his family are in the 6 ft range so it's assumed he’ll catch up. Broad shoulders and body that's been toned from playing a lot of sports, his weight is somewhere between 180 and 200 pounds. He keeps his dark brown hair short so as not to have it in his eyes, a deep blue, and he tends to wear whatever is the most comfortable at the time.

Age: 16

Gender: Male

Orientation: Heterosexual

Mage or Familiar: Familiar

Ability:

Partner:

Personality: Calm, collected, friendly have been used to describe Jack, as well as carefree from time to time. Generally a “go with the flow” type of guy, but when possible he will gravitate towards positivity and avoid negativity whenever possible. When confronted or arguments break out he will do his best to calm everyone down, even if he himself is angry. As best as he can remember he has never held a grudge, they always seemed like too much effort and unhealthy to maintain. He’s always up for a friendly competition and he will give it his all, but he could care less who wins or loses. It doesn't take much to convince him to do things unless it seems wrong or illegal, to in which he will show his disgust at and leave.

Biography: Eldest of four boys, with a mage for a father and a familiar for a mother, Jack did his best to help his parents raise his brothers. Not a rich family but they’ve never really wanted for anything either, sitting somewhere in the middle. School work came easy to him so it bored him and he focused more on playing sports than he did studying. His parents and his teachers saw his potential and wanted him to fullfile it as best as he can. So his parents looked into scholarships and his teachers recommended him for St. Fortuna's Academy for the Higher Arts.

Likes:
Family/Friends
Competing
Positivity
Festivals
Animals

Dislikes:
Bullies
Negativity
Anything bitter
Sore losers/winners

Points: 10
Proficiency: 3
Intelligence: 3
Athletics: 4



Password: Seafood

Okay, to begin. Your character’s personality doesn’t really have any flaws. There’s nothing here to counter his all-around-nice-guy demeanor. That’s just not realistic, or, in my opinion, very fun to play. Give him some character flaws. Every character should have 1 serious flaw, and at least 2 minor flaws. It gives them more depth, makes them more real, shapes how they react to struggles, internal or external.

Next up, his bio. It’s simply too short, too brief. This is your character’s entire life up until the RP starts, does one paragraph really do them justice? There’s no city, no relations with his family, no drive, no drama. Frankly, it’s pretty underwhelming. There’s hardly even enough for me to critique. This isn’t a backstory, this is a summary. Beef it up more, make this character interesting. Think about where he’s from, how he interacts with his family members, what do his parents do, how did that affect him? Did he have friends growing up? Any pets? Any big life events that happened to him? He’s good at school work, okay, why? He plays sports, is he good? Does he suck? You really need to build a lot more here. A lot more.

Next up, his total lack of ambition. A scholarship character is not what you’re gonna want to play if your character has no motivation. The scholarships for St. Fortuna’s are highly competitive, and the school itself is much more intense than the average high school. It’s not something you attend on a whim or because you have decent grades. You have to want to be there. Why does your character want to be at St. Fortuna’s? If you don’t want to give them this motivation, I’d suggest making your character from a wealthier background, and have his parents send him to the school.

Then the likes and dislikes. They’re very cookie cutter. Everyone loves positivity and family (unless the backstory and personality are really convoluted) and everyone hates bullies. This really doesn’t tell me anything about the character, and only serves to make them appear more bland. Spice things up a little, include strange passions, irrational fears, things he detests above all others. This will help you with your character a lot in practice.

Then your quiz answers. The fact that your character has nothing they regret really speaks to me about him not having character. I don’t know about you, but I did a lot of stuff that I regret when I was 16, stuff that still makes me cringe. And with question 6, you say pets, but there are no pets anywhere else in his story? Are these phantom pets that randomly appear and disappear? Quantum pets from outer space that fade in and out of our dimensions? Does he hallucinate pets? Either give him a pet or change this answer, as it doesn’t make sense with the rest of his story. What little there is of it.

In sum, your character is a skeleton, a first draft, a literal pile of bones. He doesn’t have any plot meat or muscle to hold him together, no skin to make him interesting and appealing. No eyeballs or perspective to see the world in, no flaws, no history, and a weird Schrödinger’s cat situation happening there in question number six. (Seriously where are his pets man?) You need to fatten this character up, give him a more in-depth backstory, make his likes and dislikes more personal, and fix the Twilight Zone scenario with the pets that are there, yet not there. Once these corrections have been made, we will be happy to review your CS again. :)

Name: Loke Blackhardt
Image or Description:

Age: 16
Gender: Male
Orientation: Straight
Mage or Familiar: Mage
Magic Type:
Known Spells:
Partner:
Personality: In an overall sense, Loke is a good guy. He doesn’t break the law, he regularly volunteered at his local homeless shelter, and he always got good grades. The only problem is his colossal drive for competition and a nigh insatiable want and hunger for knowledge. This has made it hard for him to make friends in the past, not like it ever really bothered him. Although friends are welcomed and enjoyed, he has found it much easier to watch from a distance and gather intelligence from his surroundings when the distraction that results from friendship is eliminated. Loke’s obsession with learning new things and obtaining information about people on the surfaces seems like nothing more than a creepy hobby, but this simply isn’t true. The true reason he is such an avid learner is that he has the deep-seated belief that knowledge is power. Why does he want so much power? It’s because he hates to lose. He grew up competing with those around him, and that grew into a passionate drive for competition. If there is even the slightest chance of something becoming a competition, Loke will be there to throw his hat in the ring. Although he hates losing, he does not fear it. He sees every loss as a learning opportunity which, in the end, will bestow him with more power.

Biography: For Loke, St. Josephines Orphanage was home. He doesn’t remember his parents since they gave him away, with nothing more than a name and a blanket, when he was born. Unfortunately, because of his odd tendencies, none of the adult couples that came through the orphanage decided to adopt him, but this didn’t bother him. He was happy with the family he had with the staff acting as parental figures and the other kids as his siblings. Amongst the staff of the Orphanage and the other kids, Loke grew especially close with three of them. Mother Gertrude, Johnny Vierra, and Lily Forsythe. Johnny and Lily were, in Loke’s opinion, his only real friends. The three of them made a promise to become the best at what they do. A few years later Johnny and Lily were both adopted by the same family.

It was in the orphanage that Loke began to take shape as an individual. It was here that his lust for knowledge and drive for competition was forged and grew. He was often forced into competitions with the other kids to help them pass the time. Be it from a foot race to solving riddles for a scavenger hunt. Loke at first detested the games that he was forced to play, but it eventually grew into something more. He became more driven to beat the other kids who continually surpassed him, especially in the more physical competitions. Although to this day he still has trouble with physical activities. This is mainly because he has been focusing more on his mind than his body.

When Loke attended middle school, he showed strong academic prowess and showed a great interest in adventuring. He would spend every day researching the different paths he could take to achieve his ultimate goals. It was then that he set his eyes on St. Fortuna’s Academy. From that day forth he spent day in and day out training his mind and power to the best of his ability. A few years later, all of his hard work paid off. He received an academic scholarship to attend St. Fortuna’s. He was ecstatic, but he had left the orphanage for more than a few days before. A few days before he departed, all of the staff and kids from the orphanage and approached him. They gave him a gift, A golden pendant with a group picture of everyone at the orphanage. Loke, moved to the point of tears, promised to return a success and then set out on the first step of his adventure.

Likes:The Orphanage, Strategy, Psychology, Tactics, Chess, Reading books of all kinds, puzzles, and information (any and all)

Dislikes: Losing! Running out of things to learn, P.E., dancing, and rap music.

Points: 10 (total)
Proficiency:3
Intelligence:5
Athletics: 2

Misc.: Loke carries a book that has everyone he is currently observing within it. Such things as, name, body measurments, magic/ability, ect, ect. Topics that are unknown to him are left blank or marked N/A.



Password: Steak and Fries

Two things. First, the scholarship. You might be confused on how it works. If you get a scholarship, your tuition is paid in full. There is no partial scholarship. You either get it, or you don’t. Please correct this.

Next, this was just a minor concern with the questions, but hacking. Please note that in this universe, hacking is a criminal activity, and any student found to be engaging in criminal activities will be expelled from St. Fortuna. You don’t have to change your answer, just know that if your character gets caught hacking or is discovered to have hacked anyone, they risk expulsion and criminal investigation. Word of warning.

Also, onenote is the resident Adevnturer’s Guild expert, so if your character is interested in pursuing a career with a guild or having a background with a guild, send them a PM! They know everything! I don’t know shit because my characters are goddamn nerds.

And with the first thing corrected, we would be happy to review your CS again. It looks very good, just some minor details to be corrected before we accept you.