[@Melpaws]
[hider=Emily Akechi Review][center]
Okay, this is gonna be a long one. This CS is probably the one that is taken us the longest to review, because it was so hard to read. While I understand that English is not your first language, I’d like you to go over the CS and clean up the grammar and sentence structure, because there are numerous mistakes that not only make it harder to read, but harder to extract information from. Please utilize proper paragraph breaks so we aren’t just looking at a wall of text, and read your sentences more carefully to make sure they’re imparting information we need. The less useless fluff, the better. That includes author comments.

Alright, we’re going to go through this chronologically, pointing out every issue we see as we come by them. This is gonna be a long review, so buckle up.

Let’s start off with her weight. A growing, 16 year old girl, 5’2 and weighing 106 lbs… Can you tell me the issue here? She’s underweight. The ideal BMI for a girl going through puberty with her age and height is 110-140 lbs. 106 is very low, and while she wouldn’t be starving or suffering negative health effects at that weight, she would not have the bust or hips present in her picture. Here is a picture of someone 5’2” and 106 lbs.
[img]http://www.mybodygallery.com/uploadedPhotos/18000/18962-1.jpg[/img]
Doesn’t look too healthy, huh? If you’re going to have your character be this underweight, please pick a picture portraying a character with a more weight appropriate body type. 

Next up, the personality. There are a number of issues here, mostly revolving around your focus on making this character introverted, but then assigning them conflicting traits. The biggest one is the character’s extreme need for attention. This directly conflict with her introverted nature, because introverts do not like extra attention. Introverts prefer emails and texts to phone calls and conversations, quiet and solitary activities as opposed to large social gatherings, and don’t like to be in the spotlight. However, your character is repeatedly portrayed as needing a very high amount of attention, to the point where she creates a website to get her dose of praise. (More on this later) While there are people who display both introverted and extroverted tendencies, your character’s need for attention repeatedly ventures into extremes that would not be appropriate with her introverted behavior.

The next big conflict in personality is how she’s described as moody, and exhibits mood swings from her need for attention to her desire for space seemingly at the drop of a pin, and at the same time described as careful. These two traits directly conflict with each other. Careful and cautious people worry a lot about how they are viewed by others, and take great steps to ensure that their actions and reactions are measured appropriately to situations. They don’t want to cause scenes or trouble, and are usually willing to compromise to please others. Moody people are more stubborn, and indeed, your character is described as unwilling to compromise on things that make her uncomfortable. In addition, her behaviors are not only polarized, but she seems to have no control over her fluctuations and how she reacts to people getting to close or not giving her enough attention. The conflict in these traits is highly apparent, so please choose one or the other.

The third big personality conflict is how she’s anxious/nervous/lacks self-esteem, yet is easy to talk to. Nope, not how that works either. From the reading, her anxiety and nervousness eat up a huge amount of her emotional bandwidth, so how is she able to be easy to talk to and keep up casual platonic conversations with her peers without effort? If she’s shy/anxious/nervous to a debilitating extent, as later described, then there should be an effect that prevents her from being able to have these conversations with ease.

Also, cat is not a personality trait. It is an animal. There are many kinds of cats in the world. Please refrain from similes in the CS unless you are going to explain them in depth.

To finish up, I would just like to point out that, conflicting traits aside, your character does not seem like a good friend to have. She pushes all the effort and responsibility of friendship onto other people, without giving anything back. Your character seems less interested in having friends, than having people who give her everything she wants and never ask for anything in return. Before complaining about how your character has no friends, you need to ask: Why would people want to befriend your character? So far, she’s lazy, clingy, demanding, has sudden mood shifts that she doesn’t warn her friends about, and lashes out easily, ignoring people when they get on her nerves. The burden of friendship is all on the other people, your character takes no responsibility for her actions. Even telling her friends “Hey, I wanna be alone today, talk to you tomorrow” would be a more responsible course of action than forcing them to guess and giving them the cold shoulder when they slip up. You even say yourself, she isn’t easy keeping as a good friend, which only begs the question more. Why would people want to be friends with your character? She’s not someone I would want to be around. I certainly don’t need a high maintenance friend like that, who demands affection, respect, and attention, without even giving me the respect of warning me when she wants to be alone. You can keep your character like this if you want, just be aware of how whiny she will sound when complaining of a lack of friends.

Now onto the issues with the bio. First off, allow me to shed some criticism on the opener. You start off by saying that everything important happened in middle school, nothing important happened before that. [b]And then you describe her whole life before middle school.[/b] Do not do this. This is a horrible way to open. Remove the bad opener and just start us off with her childhood, it’s better than creating a false start into the narrative like this.

Now, there is a huge information gap in her backstory. The background. Where the hell are they? Where does your character live? “Basically next to a forest” doesn’t tell me anything. Who is in her family? Mother? Father? Siblings? Grandparents? You haven’t described her parents or family at all. What do they do? Do they work? You didn’t include a job. Are they poor? Are the wealthy? Middle class? Nobility? What is their socio-economic status? For all I know, your character could have two dads who are stock brokers and live in a cave. There is nothing here setting the scene for your character, no context, no flavor. You might as well just have had her hatch from an egg. Please give your character an actual background, and not just this ambiguous nonsense.

Next up, more contradictions. You say she’s not a prodigy (the wunderkind bit is unnecessary), but then go on to describe her as being a quick learning talent in music and having great grades. Let me show you the definition of prodigy.
[img]https://img.roleplayerguild.com/prod/users/2f206002-c315-4c7e-9283-a5ef8b858729.png[/img]
So yeah, she fits the definition of prodigy. So either play down her abilities to make her not a prodigy, or remove the bit saying she’s not a prodigy, I don’t care which.

This next sentence took us several tries to understand. I highly recommend you correct the spelling and sentence structure.
“In elimantary school, she was able to visit a school which had a reputation for being for the elite of children.”
Now, what I think you’re saying here is that your character went to an elementary school for the children of the rich. Alright, I don’t know the family background, as pointed out before, but I’ll assume they’re wealthy. If they are wealthy, then this brings up another issue. Why do they send her to an ordinary middle school? More than that, after being bullied, why did she stay? Surely her parents would notice the marks of physical bullying, and their daughter’s sudden personality shift. Wouldn’t they pull her out of that middle school and place her in a pricier one to ensure her safety? There’s no explanation or motive for anything happening here, it doesn’t make any sense.

This brings us to the issue of bullying. WHY is she being bullied? Because she looks like a nerd? But the picture you submitted is of a conventionally attractive girl who just has large glasses. As someone who has been bullied extensively, people don’t get physical bullying you just because you kinda look like a nerd. Especially in the first year of middle school. Yes, middle school is horrible, but being physically bullied for 3 years non-stop because she somewhat resembles the stereotype of a nerd is simply ridiculous, even by the arbitrary standards of bullies. Not to mention, as a child, she was supposedly polite, yet willful. If she’s so willful, why doesn’t she stand up for herself, or tell her teachers, or her parents? As a matter of fact, where is anyone in this story? There is no one here but Emily. I understand this is her background, but everything is so vague and non-specific, it feels detached from reality. If she was being bullied for her desperate need for attention and mean personality, that would make more sense than this poorly put together pity-party of a backstory. It feels like you’re trying to toe as closely as you can to an abuse story with our rules, but because it’s so non-specific, it just ends up falling apart. Make the bullying more realistic, or get rid of it entirely. Make her reaction to it more realistic. If she’s actively hiding the bullying, then remove all implications of it being physical. There are plenty of ways to hurt a kid without beating them up, you don’t need to toe the line in implying it, that just feels insulting.

We’re half-way done with this review, so if you want, take a break from the computer, walk around, get a drink of water if you need to. We still have more issues to go through.

Now, following the already skeptical line that her parents would send her to an ordinary middle school, and keep her there despite ample evidence of bullying, why do her parents decide to send her to St. Fortunas? They have to have noticed the change in their daughter’s personality. Why would they send their lazy, pensive, incredibly anxious daughter who has endured 3 years of bullying to an elite and very expensive boarding school renowned for its taxing curriculum? It doesn’t make much sense at all. But hey, at least they’re not committing academic fraud to get her in, right?

Oh wait.

[b]They cheated.[/b] Her parents wrote her entrance essay for her. You do realize how illegal that is, right? That would immediately be picked up by faculty reviewing the essays, and the parents would not only have their daughter rejected from the school, they would be looking at prosecution. [u]Remove this immediately.[/u] There is no excuse for having this in the story, so remove it.

Now we get into more confusing issues with motive. If she hates going to the school so much, why does she choose to return after her first year? Why even go to start with? You can get a refund if you choose not to attend the school. In addition, if she’s so pissed off at her parents for sending her to the school, why does she want to make them proud and live up to their expectations? This does not fit with the sour, wrathful, stubborn portrait you painted of her earlier in her personality. Why is she choosing to be such a doormat now if she hates it so much?

Finally, the bit that breaks our canon.
She hates being a familiar. Why??? That is like hating being left handed! It makes no sense in the context of this world, and no reason is ever given for it! There’s no explanation, no reason, she just hates it and nothing is ever built on that statement. It breaks our canon, so remove this bit.

That was just with motive. Next issue is the website and her thousands of fans. Music has sprung up now and then in her bio, but as I see it, it’s not something she’s been working her tail off for. This feels like it’s ripping of another character’s backstory, HangedMan’s character Alice. The difference between them, however, is that Alice has made music the focus of her life, and worked tirelessly to achieve her goal. Your character, however, is repeatedly declared to be moody, lazy, and asocial, and only sees the site as a means to get her daily dose of attention. I don’t see a real passion for music, or tireless effort being poured into her art that deserves thousands of fans. Not to mention, having thousands of fans contradicts your character’s low self-esteem. Surely after being given this much attention, she would see herself in a more positive light and strive to better herself? Nope. I would heavily advise removing the website and the thousands of fans from her story, because it contradicts so many other details in her story, she hasn’t poured in the effort needed for that high number of fans, and it rips off of Alice’s character.

Now, you keep using the word “introvert”. However, you keep describing things that are not specific to introverts, or go directly against an introvert’s nature. There are many people who would feel insulted by your assertion that overthinking is a “perk” or trait of an introvert. It is not. It is a trait of anxiety. While anxiety does factor in with a lot of introverts, there are millions of introverts who do not have that level of anxiety and don’t have problems with overthinking. In addition, there are plenty of extrovert with anxiety who overthink things quite a bit. Perhaps more research on making a introverted character is needed on your part.

That wraps up the issues with her bio. Now onto her dislikes. There’s something I’d like to point out, just for advising. Your character hates ignorant people and stupidity. That is not the trait of a nice, polite person. Hating people is a mean trait. It’s an asshole trait. If you write a sentence with “I hate (blank) people”, and the blank isn’t filled in with “evil, mean, rude”, then the person saying the sentence is probably an asshole. Let’s try it out, shall we? “I hate quiet people”. Sounds like a jerk thing to say, right? While some people might not like being quiet, or being loud, or being stupid, hating people with that trait generally means you are not a nice, patient, or polite person. If you’re trying to make a mean character, a jerk character, or an asshole character, then by all means, keep it in. Jerk characters can be very entertaining and fun to play. But be aware that the character your playing will come off as an asshole, rather than sympathetic.

Next up, the misc section. To start, her mood changes with her music. Let me nix that right now. It’s okay to have certain kinds of music influence your mood. When I hear happy pop songs, I feel a little happier, and hearing sad songs make me sad, or songs that are about fighting might get me pumped up. This is normal. However, experiencing a total mood shift due to music? Not only that, a mood shift that DIRECTLY CONTRADICTS INTROVERT AND LAZY? Stop. Breaking. Your own. Character. This feels like an excuse for your character so behave in a way that goes against what little established personality they have. We’re not going to tolerate a “Waffle tacos! Teehee I’m so random XD” character here, so cut the music based mood swings. 

Next, why is she in the closet? This isn’t earth. Prydain is not a homophobic society. While there are jerks everywhere, there are no movements to deny LGBT+ people their rights, or “cure them” through prayer and electrotherapy. We strove to create a society which does not have the same level of homophobia/transphobia/misogyny that exists in this one. Not only that, but her sexuality and her needless anxiety over it are in misc, and not bio? Seems odd to me.

Her favorite color and liking cute things should be moved to her likes. You say is doesn’t justify her love of cute things, but there is literally nothing written afterwards to explain or justify it. Not to mention, it’s not something that needs to be justified, she can just like them. Also, why does she dislike rap? Why is rap not in her dislikes? Please be a little consistent here. Put fruits and healthy food in her likes as well.

Next, this may be a translation error, but hygiene does not mean maintaining an attractive appearance in english. Taking care of your hygiene is doing things like brushing your teeth, showering regularly, wearing deodorant, brushing your hair, making sure you aren’t a disgusting, smelly, filth-encrusted jerk who doesn’t care about the noses of other people. Not to mention, you can look good for yourself. The idea that you can only look good if you’re looking good for someone else is rather outdated and incorrect.

This information here does nothing. “She tried playing more sports once, it resulted in a fractured ankle.” What does this mean? There are no sports mentioned anywhere else in her story, what is the “more” for? What sports was she playing? Did breaking her ankle have any result on her? Are you trying to say this is why she doesn’t play sports? There’s not enough explanation here for this information to be of any use.

Now onto the quiz!

Why is your character’s biggest regret something she couldn’t control? That would be like me saying my biggest regret was the 2008 recession. I couldn’t have influenced that, I was only a kid at the time. Change your character’s regret to something they had control over. 

Also, you don’t have to censor bullshit. Cursing is allowed in this RP. Using an asterisk as a placeholder interrupts the flow of action and distracts more than the actual swear. Also, her reaction does not flow with her being described as an introvert or careful person. Waving your arms around and acting frantic is something to be more expected of an outgoing, comedic character.

For question 4, this course of action goes against your character previously stating how she wants to make her parents proud and fulfill their expectations. Skipping all classes because of a mistake is an overreaction that would be noted by teachers, and a headache would not get her out of classes. Either go with the lazy delinquent route, or go with the good student route, but you can’t pick both.

I’m just going to point out the absurdity of the answer to question 6. A piano. Your character is in a house fire and the thing that they can’t live without is their piano. Unless the piano is a small electric one, you’re character is not escaping that house fire.

All in all, your character is way too inconsistent and all over the place. I feel like you tried so desperately to make her an introvert that you just overlooked how all these traits clash with each other, because they aren’t explained at all. Either make her an introvert, or make her desperate for attention, but not both. Make her lazy, or make her work her butt off to be good enough for those thousands of fans, but not both. Give her a proper backstory, actually tell us something about her family and where she’s from. Remove all the useless information and fix the contradictions, and explain more when required. Decide on a proper path for your character, and consider how you want them to be. Do you want to play a self-absorbed jerk character? Or do you want attention and sympathy? As is, we cannot accept this character into the RP. They need a lot of work, both as a skeleton and in being properly fleshed out. There’s potential here, but you need to decide how you want your character to be. There are a lot of choices to be made here, but they can only be made by you. Please make the necessary edits to your character, and we will review them again. This is Invader Len, signing out.
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