Ha ha. I somehow expected this. (Referring to a 4-way tie.) [hr] [@BrokenPromise] Well thanks for the review. I unfortunately lacked time to edit and polish the story to the best of my abilities. Timing fucked me, quite often in the making of this story. Don't worry I had [@Briza] go through it all, and I plan on giving a bit more in depth reviews. Lacking time to do anything, seems to be problem recently. [quote=@BrokenPromise] Bared on a bare back? I'm pretty sure battle scars aren't bundled. [/quote] This isn't even a grammar error, this is playful wording. A bundle is a group. The scars are grouped and "bundled" together on the back. Implying it was grouped together like the flowers. [quote=SleepingSilence] This is an incomplete sentence. I'm not sure if it's the quantity or shape of the cyclamens/scars that is being referenced here. [/quote] Frankly I don't think taking it as either/or, or both actually changes the visualization of the story. But I'm sure, I could have made this clearer. I always feel like adding a 'beginning noun' is so unnecessary at times, but I assume that's what's supposedly needed to make this a full sentence. Something like- "The number matching the amount of mosquito bites branding his knees." (Referring to a dozen, obviously?) Like seriously, [i]the fuck did that add?[/i] Mild writing rant I guess. (Is that above a full sentence now? Or am I still missing something here?) [quote=SleepingSilence] You're not winning any awards for your word usage. I doubt most people know what a kapok tree looks like, and sweat doesn't look or move anything like drool. [/quote] Lack of knowledge doesn't make the writer wrong for using the word. You still -get- the general idea. No it's nothing particularly complicated. Also this isn't a grammar error either... And bullets look nothing like sweat either, but no one complains about sweating bullets do they? So forgive me, but I'm defending these choices and you provided no better alternatives. https://therooster.com/sites/default/files/styles/hero/public/sweaty.png?itok=cmNBGUDq You cannot criticize something for being abnormal sounding, when exaggerated sweat looks -entirely- like drooling from how thick it is. The story doesn't need to take place in real life. Ross is never specified to even be human. The language in general was not literal. And shouldn't be taken that way. (My feelings, obvious anyone can do it. I just happen disagree with the reasoning. <.<') [quote=@BrokenPromise] Seriously, what the hell did I just read? [/quote] I don't mind how blunt this is, despite not exactly being constructive. I'll admit could have done better myself but let's just say the responses I received I don't think would have changed/improved with added detail. But it does always make me feel better that, no matter how bad I feel for writing bluntly. I always get railed far worse, and nitpicked far more. So I really should stop worrying so much. I digress. That also had no corrections. You just didn't like the sentence, but you didn't really elaborate what was wrong with it at all... [quote=@BrokenPromise] I think there's a missing word here. Otherwise, I have no idea if Paranoia is some new character, a person, etc. [/quote] An *it, I knew that was wrong when I reread it. Always something that slips through the cracks. [quote=@BrokenPromise] Elbowing checking? This entire phrase could be re-written to improve clarity. [/quote] Another caught before. Yeah, meant elbow checking. I actually think autocorrect managed to screw me on that one. And you're probably right. [quote=@BrokenPromise] Not ever verb and noun needs to have an adjective attached to it, you know? [/quote] Does removing any of these words or editing them make the sentence stronger? You didn't even really imply the sentence was bad. [quote=@BrokenPromise] Presumably, you are talking about the plant eating the bird, rather than the bird eating the plant. But it's not very clear. This could have been much better if you used more than two sentences to show what was going on. It's the only exciting thing that's happened in this paragraph and it's over with in less than ten words. [/quote] That I completely disagree with, and I think context clues make it abundantly obvious. [quote=@BrokenPromise] Easily distinguishable, but not to the reader. And I'm pretty sure it [i]did[/i] beckon him. [/quote] I'm assuming you're judging that you don't know which direction, and you're right that's a detail I could have added. [quote=@BrokenPromise] Of course it's the same voice, it's in the same paragraph, right? [/quote] Not really, no. [quote=@BrokenPromise] Just have him pull out the dagger in one sentence, examine the knife in a second sentence, and finally approach the voice in the third. You're trying to do way too much here. [/quote] I suppose some don't like fast pacing. Fair enough. [quote=@BrokenPromise] What is “seeing beaming?” I've never seen two words with an “ing” ending put side by side like that, and this is the second time you've done it. People probably don't do it because it doesn't work. [/quote] Oh really? :P Unlike everyone else. Not every word written was 100% intentional. Because I can admit I make flaws. Yeah, I'd change it. 'seeing beams' [quote=@BrokenPromise] It's a bad idea to start a sentence with one of those “ing” words most of the time. It doesn't show possession. You could say “he/Ross was facing” But I think the present tense “He/Ross faced” would be better still. [/quote] Noted. [quote=@BrokenPromise] You actually forgot a comma. I'm really surprised by that, because nearly every sentence up to this point has had a comma or a semi-colon. [/quote] Correct. I'm glad you noticed. :P [quote=@BrokenPromise] How the adjectives sounded like the words they were paired with made the prose read like some sort of weird tongue twister. Bit it definitely wasn't nine nice night nurses nursing nicely. Which might have been the intention, but it didn't work for me. [/quote] Only way to grow is to fail. I guess I need to start writing straight forward and bare-bones simple. It seems to actually be preferred. Granted, I'm sure I over did it. It kind of was intentionally done, to show actual effort in crafting sentences. But intent doesn't always get executed well. There's always another prompt. [quote=@BrokenPromise] I'll admit adventure stories of this nature aren't my cup of tea, but all the same, I felt it could have been done better. I don't understand why he was in the jungle, had to go to a volcano, then traverse a lot of different dream areas to finally get to where he had to go. I understand these places had a significance “artistically,” but in the context of the story there wasn't any rhyme or reason for it. I know sometimes less is more. But nothing is always, well, nothing. [/quote] I'll admit some of the places could be interchangeable, as long as the theme was properly set that way. The volcano, could have been I dunno. A fire fortress, and it could probably still work. So is that a weakness? Sure, I can go with that. But him going to them in general, it was treacherous physical journey representing the emotional one of the loss of a loved one. He didn't have to go in all those places in the first place. He knew exactly where he needed to go, if you don't buy the amnesia. If you don't, it explains just fine why he wandered in so many places...so I just disagree that context wasn't given. But if you don't take it at face value, he clearly wasn't ready to accept his mother's destination... So I very much disagree that there's "no reason" for this adventure taking place. Helk, even bare bones disregarding all symbolism and the fact my characters was a representation of an idea. So the fact it didn't feel entirely there or set in reality, wasn't lost on me or anything. But he went to the volcano because the snake told him to go there, and the lake had clear explained significance. And the forest...well it was interesting place to start? But I hope I didn't come across too offended, or otherwise. I'm always appreciated of the effort required to read one's writing. Sometimes that's too hard for some. Need more people to do this. (Perhaps, to the same level of all involved.) Edit: I don't really know if my reply comes across on a "different level" in anyway. But I will note, today is a "feel like crap" (stomach) day. So I'll acknowledge possible moodiness, if it happens to be there.