[h2]Feedback Friday![/h2]

[hider - Yseline]

[@Inkarnate]
Hello you!

I love starting writing with a question, it's punchy and draws me right in everytime. A soft nitpick is that you could remove the height clarification that is written, as you listed it elsewhere, perhaps a description of how she carries herself taller than the other women would be more effective with that in mind. She definitely has a nice, calm presence about her when I picture her in my mind. I see eyes packed with curiosity and awe at the world, an eyebrow that is always cocked because she's deep in thought. She gives me that kind of vibe, for sure. 

I like the description of her father holding her like a diamond, it really speaks volumes about their relationship and is so simplistic, easy to confuse as being genuine love and affection - when he's actually clutching to her to protect her from the world, and keep her away from it. Literally like a treasure in a safe. It's a nice flip of what I initially thought when I read it! 

I think the history is a great start, but there are just a few things that you've written about that I think we need more of - at least I'd like to see more of. Her relationship with her father is obviously a huge part of her life. I'm curious, after the death of her mother - how did he take care of her? Women are very different to men and something I've heard of before is Dad's often being at a loss with raising daughters alone because well, they want to protect their little girls but we have an [i]completely different anatomy[/i] for a start - and there are expectations of women that I think would be rampant in TES times. Did he want to marry her off? Did he hide her from men and possible suitors - and how did that impact her personality and her feelings towards men etc? Does she seek out older man to kind of make up for the strained relationship? There are just... *a lot* of things there. There's so much to unpack about a man raising his only daughter alone, and I'm really curious about it. 

Did they ever talk about the mother? Or was it swept under the rug and ignored? Is she still a ghost haunting them both? I think there is potential for a conversation between these characters in the roleplay about this, it's such powerful stuff, honestly - and in my opinion is more defining to Yseline's story than probably her career. And then he sent a cousin to watch her, AHHHHH there's so much here that makes me uncomfortable and emotional. How was her brother too, when they were growing up? Did the father treat the brother differently?

You write that Yseline was allowed agency - that is also quite powerful, and would have been a transformative moment. 

For a moment when reading the sheet, I thought that Yse was the only child, but then in the last two paragraphs we hear about Yaric her brother - I think he should be bumped up to the top so it's not as jarring. (Unless I'm just blind and missed it!) As well as this, the disappearance of the brother is really brief - maybe just a little bit extra to pad that out - how it made her feel, how she went about finding the clues that brought her the conclusion he went to Anvil. 

Kudos on a good goal as well, finding a brother is going to be a great way to link up this storyline I'm picturing. Having a hard conversation with Dad. That's what sticks out so much to me, that little volcano of emotions ready to explode. I want to poke it with a stick. 

I really like the concept, but Yseline needs more work. My suggestion to you would be to really think about that Father-Daughter-Brother dynamic, and the Mother also. There's the potential for some *spectacular* emotional writing and horror to come from it. Definitely add in the description of how she became adept at Alteration and then I think the character will start jumping from the page. Every element is there, it just needs fine tuning :)

Good work on it!





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