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As he began to wander around to find Estella, Tommy found himself quickly blocked by the volunteer from this morning. [i]Time… Tim. It’s Tim.[/i] He thought to himself while staring at the man who had a bright smile and a stack of papers in hand. “[color=ffffff]Hey Thomas, aren’t you supposed to be up on stage?[/color]” The man acted curiously but both of them knew that Tommy was supposed to be up on the stage. Tim flipped through the papers and had a copy of the whole festival outline, even the date auction. 

Sighing at the man’s question, he didn’t have time for this, but he wasn’t going to be rude. Was he? “[color=66946b]Time. Aah mean Tim. Tim. Aah'm busy at the moment. Aah caint go back up onto the stage. Aah've to find someone,[/color]” Thomas was trying to be polite but he was on a mission. He needed to make sure Estella was okay before driving back to Nixie’s house and making sure he didn’t drop that letter anywhere around her house. A sickening feeling overwhelmed him. What if he dropped it around the festival? His eyes might have got a little wider with that thought while he looked distractedly around at the other people. 

“[color=ffffff]Is everything alright sheriff?[/color]” Tim asked while being on the page of the date auction, showing the other man that he was next in line to get auctioned off. That he [i]needed[/i] to be up there because he signed himself up. 

Stroking a hand through his hair, he sighed, “[color=66946b]Everythin' is fine. Aah just need to do other stuff right now,[/color]” That was a lie. Everything was not alright. He was probably going through withdrawals today. It felt like it. He thought the withdrawals that he experienced almost a week ago were bad. God… this felt horrible. He felt physically sick at this point. He could tell that he wasn’t keeping his behavior under control or his attitude in check either. Cursing himself, he should have just gone home earlier. This is what happens when an alcoholic just randomly tries to stop drinking for the twelfth  plus time in eight years. He has almost made it two weeks. He can keep going. Can’t he? 
Tim smiled in somewhat of an awkward way when Thomas responded, clearing his throat, “[color=ffffff]My son junior is a part of the boys and girls club and he really loves it there. More donations would give you a bigger budget to play around with…[/color]” Dammit, Tim! Why did you have to bring up the kids? Now the man was conflicted and he grabbed his jaw, covering his mouth with his hand while thinking. Staring at Tim. The man was being difficult. Thomas was being difficult. He shouldn’t have left the stage like an idiot. 
“[color=66946b]Aah'm just overwhelmed beh-cuz aah got a few texts about a friend. Aah forgot somethin' back at a friends hahss as well. If ya want meh to go back onto the stage, can ya find Estella Serrano fo-wah meh? Text meh if ya see her. Just the location, so aah know she is okay?[/color]” This man was somewhat annoying because he knew the man wasn’t going to quit trying to get him back on stage. 

The other man seemed to smile when being able to help, “[color=ffffff]Yeah, I can text you when I see her![/color]” Tim was someone who always seemed to want to help. Volunteering for everything. He was somewhat of an annoying parent to the point where he put padding on his kid if they were playing dodgeball. He would put his kids in helmets as well. Thomas understood safety but it felt a little too much sometimes. 

“[color=66946b]Great. Text meh. Aah really appreciate it,[/color]” The man gestured in a way that said thank you as well while he began to go back to the stage. Tim waved him goodbye with that typical smile he had on his face. It reminded Thomas of those old store clerks in the old western movies. Almost to a point where it was fake like Tim was hiding behind a mask. A little eerie sometimes. 

Thomas made it back onto stage and got back into his place. Then he noticed Nixie standing there, but he didn’t say anything at all. He looked away from her. Maybe it was because of the gifts he left at her house or the possibility of her finding that letter. It might be that he felt like the woman ignored him all day. Like everyone else. Thomas was in his own head but he didn’t see any of his friends except Levi and he had no idea how to feel about that. Not seeing Levi the whole night either then getting a text message about Estella from him was bothersome. Could the cowboy say he was upset with all his friends? Yes. Yes he could. 

No one cared to hangout with him after he got off his shift, he searched around for people and it seemed like he looked everywhere twice before giving up. Thomas knew he wasn’t in a good state right now. If he had been drinking, he would have been calmer and not overthinking everything. He just needed a drink at this point. Maybe he should have had a few before getting up on stage. All those thoughts about his friends disappeared as alcohol filled his mind. 

The cold truth of not having anyone truly there to support you was hitting him again. Everytime he tried to stop drinking, he found himself alone, and he felt like he couldn’t tell anyone about his problems. That they would just leave. That’s what people did when his father started drinking. He was scared of being alone but he was alone. All these false connections with people were not true connections nor would they ever be especially if he continued drinking. 

Thomas wished he never came back to Sanctuary. This was sober Thomas’s mind talking. The man did truly wish that he never came back. Wishing that he didn’t pick up the phone to get the message from his grandparents on his father’s side. How they guilt tripped  him into coming back and taking care of his siblings even though his grandparents, aunts, uncles, or someone else could have. Thomas ruined his life on that day. Making that decision. A decision that he regretted. 

It ruined everything for him. Dropping out of college to switch to online as he tried to support his younger brothers. Roy hated him. Almost every day from school a, [i]How was school today[/i], or whatever comment of positivity or support Thomas gave those boys. Junior would stay in his room and sometimes talk. Roy would explode on him. Throwing things. Throwing hands. Breaking stuff. Just explosions of emotion that a twenty-one year old Thomas did not know how to handle and practically allowed to happen. He allowed Roy to be the way he was and he hated himself for it but he didn’t know what else to do. He wasn’t supposed to be a parent for teenagers in his early twenties. 

Moving back killed the relationship he had as well. They were going strong and for a little over a year, she was extremely good-hearted, and she loved being around Thomas. Thomas loved being around her. She was a biology student who was planning on specializing in farm animals. If he never came back, the stress of long distance wouldn’t have ruined it for them. 

His whole plan was to stay a year longer in the big city for her to graduate with her bachelors in biology before going wherever she wanted to for veterinary school. They knew each other for a little while before getting into a relationship which was nice. They started out as friends and got closer. Probably didn’t help when she came to the house and that was a disaster. She wanted to surprise him for his birthday while attempting long distance and her experience was horrible. Roy was awful. Junior got jealous and pretty much fought for all of Thomas’s attention. The boys just wanted attention even if it was good or bad. Thomas was so stressed out. Roy was a brat and began to ask so many inappropriate things or say crude comments. It was awful. About two weeks after that with no communication, he got a paragraph of texts explaining that long distance wasn’t working out. That she really does care and love for him but she has a hard time with the long distance. How she hopes they could still be friends. Maybe try again in the future? But she wanted to live life. Thomas understood and didn’t fight about those texts. It however did make him heartbroken. With all the stress of Roy as well. That was the first night Thomas drank heavily and locked himself away in his room. Ignoring the world. Ignoring everyone and everything. 

Why was his mind wandering so much? About what could have been. He came back. He fucked up. Everything is fucked. Thomas hated it and he kept his arms crossed, putting a barrier between him and everyone else, as he stood there silently and stared at the floor. Trapped in his thoughts. A part of him hated being sober because it allowed him to think of [i]everything[/i] and he didn’t want to think of everything. 

[i]Stop thinking… You don’t have to think at all. Think about dogs or horses or something. You always wanted dogs. Maybe you should go adopt one. It might make this process easier for you. Having something there with you. Something that will listen and not judge you for being awful and depressed and lonely,[/i] That’s what he should, he should just get a dog. It would probably help. Pandora helps a lot. Thomas will go out to the barn and talk to her all the time. It always felt like she was supportive. Unless he was drinking then she would break the bottles no matter if he was holding them in his hand or not. They would  be breaking if he was drinking by her. 
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