To the surprise of absolutely no-one, Zoe really wasn't much of a bookworm. There'd been more important things to worry about than stories over the past couple years, and she'd fallen out of the habit. Standing in the library, she looked and felt thoroughly out of place as she browsed the books, eventually plucking one out at random without even looking at the title, absentmindedly glancing at a couple of pages.
Obviously she wasn't here to join the reading society or whatever people did in these places. She'd have enough of that to deal with once they actually made her go to class. As it was, she'd come here looking for a conversation. To clear things up. Tucking the book under her arm, she glanced around the library, catching sight of Lawrence. And suddenly feeling a lot more worried about all this. Assuming he'd seen her already, she gave him a nod of greeting.
"Hey, Lawrence. You, uh, busy right now? I was hoping we could talk."Lawrence hadn't seen her, in fact he was trying to ignore his surroundings and relax with his nose shoved into "The Founding of Byzantium, 600-1050", having just seen off an aberration who was in need of a quick fix. Had he not recognized the voice that had interrupted him so soon after his last meeting it would have been difficult to mask his irritation, but as it was one of his new classmates he closed the book and gave her his full attention. He couldn't help but raise an eyebrow at "Fists to Friendship - Anger Management for the Antisocial" that she was carrying, but decided to let her control the conversation.
After all, she came to him. He was sure she had a reason besides just wanting to talk.
"
Take a seat if you want, I have some free time."
"What? Oh, right. sure." Zoe appeared slightly surprised at the lack of hostility. Then again, Lawrence did always seem like the levelheaded type, so maybe it wasn't so surprising after all. Nodding, Zoe grabbed a chair, sitting the book down in front of her. She wasn't sure where to start with this, honestly. Apologizing wasn't one of her strong points. In fact it was right up there with diplomacy on the list of 'things Zoe never liked doing'. Eventually, she looked across at him, speaking abruptly.
"Sorry." She paused for a second, trying to figure out how to put it.
"I mean, for Monday. I screwed up, right? Seriously screwed up.""
Yeah, I'd say so."
Lawrence wasn't quite expecting this situation. If anything, he figured she'd come here to deal with her stigma- something she clearly seemed to have issues with. Monday had certainly irritated him, although he already had enough time to cool off. That, and he hadn't been particularly mad at any one participant- save maybe Allison- over every other member of both groups. It had been a clusterfuck by all involved. Still, even if he wasn't bothered by what had happened, it was clearly on her mind enough to seek him out.
"
You already did it though, so there's no point in dwelling on it. Best apology would be trying to make sure it doesn't happen a second time. And it looks like you're already trying to make that happen."
He nodded towards the book she was holding for emphasis after he finished speaking.
"Huh?" Noting Lawrence's gesture, Zoe finally took the time to properly look at and read the cover of the book.
"'Fists to Friendship'... You're kidding me." She muttered. That was certainly a title. Maybe she should have actually looked at it before she'd picked it up.
"Gonna be honest, I did not look at this thing. Who names their book that?"She laughed uncomfortably.
"Anyway, not the point. Point is, I guess I wanted to - to explain myself, I don't know." She shrugged. Was that all of it? She wasn't sure. Part of her wanted to ask what she was meant to do about any of this, but that felt like admitting she couldn't deal with this on her own. Which people had been trying to tell her anyway, but she had her pride to think of.
"
You didn't..."
She didn't
look at the book she picked up? He had yet to encounter a woman from this class that he could call normal, and using magic and stigmas as an excuse was starting to sound a bit hollow.
Still, she had finally gotten around to the reason she was here, so instead of pressing her on her poor library habits, he flipped down the plaque that read "Doc Ellison", and leaned his chair back until it rest against the corner of the book case behind him. Folding his hands behind he head, he offered:
"
All right then, if you want to explain then I'll listen."
"Okay. Right. So," Zoe frowned, clearly not confident with the whole subject.
"I've read up on the mental stuff. You know, with being an X-marked and all. We're all different or something, though, right? 'Cause the way it was all described sounded like stuff I could deal with." Her expression darkened. What had it said again? Bad memories, worst moments? Stuff to torment them? That would doubtless be completely awful, but she could deal with it.
"I guess I don't know how I'm supposed to fight mine. So I didn't, and I got carried away."Lawrence nodded in response, not being told anything new but still listening attentively. That she hadn't found a way to control her stigma was pretty obvious from what had happened Monday. Still, this was the sort of thing that people came to him for regularly, and if he could be of help then Lawrence was going to try.
"
Not to be a bearer of bad news- but I've never met an Aberration who was able to "deal with" it. What I can do for you-"
He didn't pause, but a glowing light enveloped them both mid sentence, beginning to affect Zoe almost immediately.
"
Is only a temporary measure. Keeps a freakout from happening until the storm lessens. The only thing that will keep your stigma in check is destruction Zoe, for better or worse. It's not something you can fight with your mind alone. Ground Zero exists so you can do that safely, and I can provide some temporary relief."
With a sigh, he added:
"
If there's anything else that works, it hasn't been found yet."
Calm washed over Zoe with the light, the girl visibly relaxing and suddenly a little less anxious about the discussion.
"So that's it. I've been to Ground Zero, and it did help, but what happens if it starts to affect my normal mindset? I mean even when my issues aren't flaring up." It was probably irrational. Almost definitely. She wasn't worried about the whole idea of hurting people - certainly wouldn't hesitate if it was necessary. But the idea that she'd start to like doing so on her own, not for her stigma, scared her.
But there she went being selfish again. Her fears weren't Lawrence's problem. This was why she didn't like asking people for help.
"I shouldn't bother you with this. You've probably got enough to deal with, I'm sure I can figure it out.""
I don't have any more to deal with than you do. We live and work in the same place. Probably less without a stigma breathing down my neck."
With that he set his chair on all four legs again and leaned forward on the table, hands clasped together in front of him. Serious for perhaps the first time in the conversation as the light faded from around both of them.
"
So I think bothering me with this is exactly the sort of thing you should be doing right now- because if you can't figure it out, it could kill you. It could kill me. It could kill everyone on this team they've decided to put together, and I hope you don't want that to happen any more than I do."
"Of course I don't want that!" Zoe snapped, shooting out of her chair. What was that even supposed to mean? Part of her understood that it was just a statement of fact, that Lawrence was probably just trying to help, but she couldn't stop herself from taking things personally. It was a touchy subject, and a whole host of emotions sprung forth, but she clung to anger. Anger was easy, and let her ignore everything else.
She lowered her voice, glaring down at him.
"Just because I've lost control before, doesn't mean I don't want to get a handle on it, Lawrence. Don't talk to me like I don't know how bad things can be if I screw up.""
Then don't hit me with the 'Shouldn't bother you with this' crap and act like you know. My point was that this is too serious for you to try and hole up and handle it alone. So if you do know how bad thing can be, you should let someone offer to try and help you."
Lawrence held her gaze with little difficulty. He, of course, didn't
want to provoke a potentially unstable Aberration, but was pretty confident if she took this encounter to blows that he could fight or get away without too much of an issue. He certainly wasn't intimidated by her compared to the horrors he'd faced since arriving at USARILN East.
It was simply a matter of being "too old for this shit". From their encounter on the streets after their first battle he expected Zoe to be more of a plain talker. Confident and direct with what she wanted. This conversation was taking a direction that was too wishy washy for the impossibly direct Lawrence. There were reasons he wasn't known for having friends.
Oh, so that was it. Just get everyone else to help with her problems! If only she hadn't been told
that fifty times already!
"So what, I let myself get close to all of you? Maybe sit around and talk about my feelings? Here's some news for you, you know-it-all prick, that makes it worse." Zoe practically snarled back at him, not really paying attention to what she was saying at this point. Her emotions had more than gotten the better of her judgement.
"A brush of my fingers and you're disfigured. A second of pushing, and you're dead. And I'll like - no, love every fucking moment. But sure, let's just make that more likely to happen.""
What do I care if I die because of your fingers when the alternative is being killed by a monster because you never figured out how to be stable enough to not botch a mission? "
Standing up himself, Lawrence hit Zoe with his power once more, this having gone far enough with giving her the courtesy to be an irrational bitch.
"
I'll say this as plainly as I can, I want to help you, not get close to you. You think I want to get close to a bunch of people who are going to be ripped apart in front of me? I've been there Zoe, and I don't care for it. So you can keep your distance and I can keep mine and it'll be fucking dandy, but we're being forced into a partnership along with everyone else on this team and you need to work together with at least some of us. Whether it's me or not."
Zoe felt her anger fading as the light reappeared, the harsh words on the tip of her tongue disappearing to be replaced by a sigh of exhaustion.
"Yeah, it's on me. I know that. People die. I know that too. That's why--" She almost appeared to crumple at the loss of her anger, sinking back into her seat.
"I'm scared, okay? Is that what you wanna hear? I'm scared that I'll get one of you guys killed 'cause I lose it."She chuckled drily.
"And now here I am taking it out on you when you've been more generous to me than most anyone else here." So much for telling herself there wouldn't be any more tantrums.
With a sigh Lawrence ran a hand through his hair and took his seat as well.
"
Look, when I got here I felt the exact same way you do, even without a stigma stuck up my ass or the power to melt people's faces off. So I do get it, really. I don't want to hear that you're scared, what I want is to see you determined. Feelings are fine, and I'll lend an ear if you want to voice them, but what I want Zoe is to find a course of action to solve this problem before these fears of yours are realized. So will you let me?"
Zoe was silent for a long moment, trying to gauge how she felt about this. She had the feeling this would have gone a very different direction if he hadn't calmed her down. She was also pretty sure she wouldn't have admitted to feeling how she did about all of this either. Wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not, but it'd have to do for now. Whatever she felt about it, what he was telling her did seem to make sense. She nodded her head slowly.
"Fine. I can do that. Or you can. I'll listen." Lawrence nodded in response to her, pleased at making some progress. It always felt dirty using his power without consent, and probably always would, but practicality came before morality sometimes. He didn't want to have to kill Zoe for going psycho in the future if he could prevent it.
Or be killed by her.
For now though at least he had something he could work with even if it didn't lead to anything productive.
"
Let's settle on "we" for now. What can you tell me about how often that bloodlust of yours spikes to what we saw on Monday? Or what we saw just now even? Was this an issue before your stigma became a thing?"
Whether it was to make a point or not, Lawrence flipped the plaque upright once more as he spoke. Still serious, but with an edge taken off his look.
"I've always been hotheaded, but the bloodlust is definitely a new development, if not a great combination. As for frequency," Zoe shrugged, thinking the question over.
"It builds up, I suppose. Monday, I hadn't done anything to deal with it since we fought the monsters. So that was a pretty bad day. I went to Ground Zero yesterday - It wouldn't normally be doing anything at all yet."But it was, if only a little. She would have probably still gotten annoyed without it, but maybe not quite to the same level. Kind of confirmed her suspicions about the vision after the fight, which wasn't exactly reassuring. If her stigma could get worse as her powers grew, then her chance to learn self-control was on a time limit.
"
It sounds to me we have two issues then. You were hotheaded before the stigma, and now you have your stigma as well. There's no reason we can't try and tackle these problems separately before they become too hopelessly entangled."
After a short pause, he added:
"
Do you have unrestricted access to Ground Zero yet? Not every Aberration needs it, but it sounds like a good idea in your case."
Shaking her head, Zoe replied.
"Not yet. I just have to put in a request for that, right? Shouldn't be too difficult." She hadn't really thought about it too much. What with everything else that had been happening with the whole group, she guessed the idea had just slipped her mind.
"
Well, do you have someplace to be?"
With that Lawrence picked up the plaque and set it on she shelf behind him before standing up and tucking his book into the pocket of his jacket. After this encounter he was done dealing with Aberrations for the day anyway.
"
I've had it for ages, so I can walk you through the process. I think it's a good idea for you to visit there a few times a week to keep that stigma of yours quiet while we try and work through your other anger issues. At the very least it'll reduce the chance we run into an emergency deployment before you've had a chance to let off steam."
"Nowhere else right now." Zoe smiled appreciatively. She figured Lawrence's actions were out of practicality more than anything, but she couldn't help but be thankful that he'd actually help her out like that. He would've been perfectly justified in not giving her the time of day after her outburst. Maybe he was just used to that kind of thing by now.
"I suppose me learning to keep a level head is probably best for everyone. Especially if we're some sort of unit. Lead the way."With a nod he made his way around the table, before pausing and turning to Zoe, scratching the back of his head sheepishly. With that the light enveloping them vanished once more.
"
Guess it's my turn to apologize- I prefer not to do that without consent. Even if it is a handy way of not getting punched in the face."
As the light faded, Zoe felt the strange calm disappear. Luckily she'd cooled off by this point anyway - if he'd stopped earlier the power usage would have probably made things worse. As it was, she frowned.
"I'd rather you don't mess with my head without my permission, but I guess I did blow up on you there. Just don't do it again unless I make it necessary, alright?" She shrugged, looking away as a slight smile returned to her face.
"Let's just call it even for now. I owe you for sticking around after anyway.""
Yeah, but if I wait until the punch is already flying at my face it's a bit too late- We may have different perceptions of necessary is all I'm saying."
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