[quote=souleaterfan320]
welp, looks like i didnt try hard enough...
[/quote]

Well, the death was really quick, and you didn't write much about Shinji's response to it. You could have described it in more detail, maybe added a final goodbye, which is suddenly cut off as Alucard's life is ripped away from him. Shinji witnesses this just before the portal closes, bringing him to sobs as he realises he never got to truly say goodbye, that he would never see his father again.