I can see you struggle on here and I admit some of your behavior has turned me against wanting to help you. But I see some similarities in each of our struggles to mature and feel accepted, and so every now and then I feel a pang of empathy for you. I don't really have any mindblowing advice, mostly because I know I wouldn't have taken it, or I would have seen it as impossible to implement and given into old habits almost right away. But I will say that you don't have to try so hard or take on popular opinions. As much as this place circlejerks, you're able to influence people by expressing your own opinion, whatever it is. And stop worrying about rejection or w/e else. In a lot of ways, you've already been soundly rejected here. That should be your cue to feel free to be yourself without anyone holding it over you. I will give you credit for a few things you did independently, but you still seem like you worry too much and you need to just let that shit go. But you're young too, so the worry is understandable.