[quote=Archangel89]
I added an image from my phone so I don't know if it worked or not
[/quote]

It did, but you have to put the link betwixt [img] code.

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First—and [b]for all of you[/b]—understand that my nitpickery derives from my inability to be specific in any and all information that I write. It is also partially due to the amount of people applying to the roleplay. As I comment on your writings, I always attempt to adjust my own in order to eliminate inconsistencies and obscurity. Please oversee my shortcomings, as I am sincerely trying my best to give you an awesome experience with this roleplay. My comprehension of the English language is not great enough to word a sentence that could immaculately describe my appreciation for your enthusiasm and devotion so far.

[b]Ex & Sixsmith[/b]
I’m quite amazed at the volume you two have managed to create in such limited time. However, never underestimate the power of conciseness and brevity. I might be biased, as I do sport one of William Strunk’s most sacred rules—“omit needless words”—in my signature, but a lot of what you have written can be compressed.

[hider=Ex]
Personality and biography and all that there is good.

Most of the information pertaining to the segmental vitillgo disease is needless information. I understand that it can help the rest of us to visualize the condition from which Emily suffers, but the paragraph and the note are too extensive. For example, it would be enough to say that Emily’s “hair grows in light blonde, almost white, in some places and black in others. To make it look less patchy, she has accustomed a routine of dying it to make it appear more consistent—blonde on top, black underneath.” Moreover, while this disease might exist in the world, I am not sure if they have a proper name for it yet or if they even know how it works—it is such a specific condition. The point is this: describe it with your own words. Skip the official name for the disease and skip the doc hammer note. I do not doubt your ability to portray something like this correctly.

The limit break is too broad, and it also sounds akin to something an end-game antagonist would possess, not a young cadet from a military academy. I understand the gist of it, and I do not want you to change it, but it must be more clear and specific. Think in terms of ‘this is when it happens and only during these circumstances’ and ‘this is what happens and on its own cannot create more of what happens.’ For example, ‘the Wrath’ has too many effects. Those that I recommend that you remove or turn into the main gist are: “water turns to ash,” “air turns into blood” (?), and the warping of buildings. The pustules and tentacles thing is cool (I’m a huge fan of H.P. Lovecraft), the ‘real-space’ bubble is okay and logical if the tentacles attack anything, but if you want the mutating of living creatures, you are going to have to choose between that and the tentacles. The madness/hallucination aspect is also something that you are going to have to either discard or choose as the main gist. You can cut the third paragraph (save it for the in-character when Emily uses this ability.) The last paragraph is best saved for the in-character as well, but if you really want it in the character sheet, then that is alright.

Your spirit ideas are great, but they do not fit into the lore. This is my fault, so do not blame yourself. I have not been specific in my descriptions of how spirits work, but I will explain it here: The spirits in this game are to some extent based on Kami from the Japanese religion Shinto. They are also largely based on animism. The general rule is that the spirits derive from nature and the elements of the world. There are several things that can be considered elements: fire, earth, air, water, ice, lightning, light, dark, gravity, and time. Some of these are more ambiguous than others, but they do not derive from concepts such emotions, imagination, or immaterial things. So, you can ask yourself this: “what kind of physical embodiment did my spirits possess before they fled to possess Emily?” If you cannot answer this question, then the idea of the spirit/ability is taboo. I deigned it this way in order to eliminate the presence of obscure and overpowered magic. However, there are exceptions of course. One could ask: “what physical embodiments did spirits of air, time, gravity, light, and dark have?” Probably none, but these are nonetheless elements of the world. Imagine a gust of air that sporadically travels the world. It does not have a physical form, but we can sense its presence and effect on the things around us. The same can be said for the other immaterial elements. But, what you can do is to in a logical manner describe the origin of a spirit. For example, Parasite Infestation, this spirit could have previously possessed some poisonous insect or creature. Spirits are very much alive and sentient; they learn and absorb the things they find appealing, so it is possible that the spirit adapted the properties of that poisonous insect. However, when the spirit cannot replicate and manifest the material being of that insect in the same way it can with material elements such as fire or lightning.

In the end, these are just fancy descriptions of “you can do this, but not this.” But the point is that I have set up a few limits to what you can do, and I have to follow this limits. So, with this in mind, you are going to have to redesign some of your ideas to make them fit into the lore. Send me a private message and I will help you with this.
[/hider]

[Hider=Sixsmith]
Roy being ‘manipulative’ was interesting. Without getting too personal, I’m quite manipulative in real life. I know, I’m horrible.

The spirits/limit break ideas suffer from the same problems as Ex’s does. Read the comments that I wrote for Ex. This does not necessarily mean scrap and make new ones. Make them fit into the lore, if you cannot, redesign. If you want to, send me a private message and we will work on this together.

Unimportant side-note: your ideas are quite similar to Ex. Feels like you two have worked together on this!—both choosing very immaterial and cosmic-like concepts.
[/hider]

@Blackwell, the military academy has dormitories, so she could have gotten a room there. Edit: I'll look over your sheet and comment in my next post.

Speaking of character relations, I found a gif that I thought would perfectly describe the characters' relations on a day off: [url=http://9gag.com/gag/anYo4W0]Some kids water-sliding in a drainpipe.[/url] It has a very swag culture-vibe, but whatever.