Anything beyond two paragraphs (3+ on average) and you probably want to look at advanced simply to attract a crowd that finds that sort of thing more appealing.

As for the basic structure, it seems right.

I could offer a thousand suggestions but none would really be useful until you ran an RP either to completion or into the ground. Advice on this is more like dissecting the corpse and finding out why something died rather than trying to anticipate what killed it first.