I see you've just read [i]that[/i] book....

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Rare, several things to mention for your history.

First of all, I suggest you proof read it a little. Catching minor spelling errors and odd phrasings, while not vital, will make your applications look better.

Secondly, you currently have all three of the big three allying to kill you for little reason other than you shouted about wanting to get big on Omega... That is not something that would happen. The big three almost never ally with each other for anything, much less taking out a little upstart merc team that, like every other gang and merc team on Omega, claims they want to make it big. Incidentally, when they do ally, they are an incredibly effective fighting force. The only reason Garrus survived that mess was because Shephard showed up. In short, that needs changing.

As a new group engaged in an Omega turf war, I suggest you pick one of the mercs and stick to them, as even one of the Big three is a pretty formidable fighting force.

Also, a better reason for why you gain numbers early on is needed. The people of Omega are notoriously self-interested, and don't go in for causes like standing up to the mercs en masse, especially since most of them are actually pretty happy with the mercs acting as police forces. I don't have much to suggest on that count, other than to say: be creative. I'm pretty easy going on ideas when they are well thought out and explained.

Finally, I recognise that you're probably not finished, but I remind you I'll need some kind of explanation as to how you have so many assets like businesses beyond Omega.