[quote=Webmaster]
Well first of all, you used my of ____ title idea, you silly goose!-To start off, I noticed that it was rather short. I don't know if there was a suggested length, but as a final for something, it surprised me.-I then noticed it was about roleplaying, which was an unusual topic, and a rather obscure concept. I don't know if they'll understand, so you may want to reword it.-I don't really see how roleplaying links to gore links to disobeying your mother. They all seem like concepts foreign to each other.-I know your family is different from others, but I feel like doing the dishes poorly isn't that big of a deal, and it isn't to most people either; just a little mistake or carelessness.-They get sick from sub-par dishes? I can see them getting a bacterial infection of some sort, or a small virus, but I really don't see how this one action causes such drastic results. Besides, deadly bacteria and viruses don't spontaneously generate on dirty dishes. It would have had to have already been existing somewhere there. This seems kind of unrealistic.-"This was all because of roleplay." No, not really. This was because you did a shabby job washing the dishes, assuming the bacteria was already there. Roleplaying had really nothing to do with it.-I don't see how the week of doing nothing advanced the story. I guess maybe it showed that you couldn't really stop under your own power.-You said nothing about what happened to the mother and sister, or when this is taking place. -I don't know if "God will have to break you" fits perfectly. I personally would use "tear you down," or something of the sort, but that's just me.-The climax just drops into the conclusion. It was like a roller coaster that fell off the top instead of coasting down.-The realization seems too sudden. Some words, and then everything changes.-"And you are happy." It's really anticlimactic.-The last part pretty much just dropped the ball. It leaves the reader with a sense of confusion and incompleteness.Those may seem like a lot, but I try to critique on a really high level, so it seems like it's more major than it is. My biggest issue was that the buildup just didn't work in my eyes. It felt jumpy, and just hit the bottom at the end. It's as if you had a sequence of 12345654321 and just went 134531. Those are all my thoughts.
[/quote]

1. It was supposed to be a relatively short sketch.
2. The nature of the sketch is formed such that you don't need to know what roleplaying is, just that it's taking up a lot of your time.
3. Once you get a position of leadership and roleplaying takes more of your life, it says, "That's when things change." That's the point where it stops being innocent. I can say "As you descend, the addiction begins to take hold" to show that at this point in time, the addiction is starting to show itself. Not that they are necessarily connected.
4/5. I should have said that a dangerous virus happened to lodge onto the bad stock, and the soap failed to kill it.
6. I wrote it in an unclear manner. I'm going to change it such that it shows the reason why you rush, which is wanting to get back to roleplaying as quickly as possible.
7. I should have made that clearer. Adding some time indicators to show the significance.
8. Adding "As your mother and sister heal" to clarify.
9. Changing the words to make it more fitting.
10/11. Changing it to better express the change and the result of the words.
12/13. Changed it up a lot to be more gradual and better reflect what I'm trying to portray.
[url=https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B1nudriDMxTuMHZMdVR1cjVVdkU/edit?usp=sharing]