[quote=Card]
Take with a grain of salt. These are just the adjustments I'd make. I've been doing a lot of this, so I'm going to stop. Take these ideas and apply them everywhere, though remember there are no universal rules to writing. Don't write like it's a movie. Don't write like you speak. Don't write like you're in an RPG. Not every noun needs an adjective, and not every verb needs an adverb. Be precise, and use specific words and creative word/modifier pairings that are evocative rather than using them en masse. I'm also very fallible, so again, grain of salt. Keep going :D You can do it.
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Actually I generally found those critiques helpful. This was about a day of me sitting down and not going back over any of it. Ever. So knowing what I need to fix by some fresh eyes is good. Although there were some that I didn't agree with fully, I'm going to (and did before dinner) start putting in some changes.