I've had two coworkers take their lives and a cousin and uncle attempt to several times. Every one of those has put people that loved and knew them through turmoil. With the first two I sometimes ask myself if there was something I could have done to prevent it. If only, if only. It is too late now but I doubt myself. How could I have let it happen? I wasn't really that close to them and it still effected me.

But I've felt nothing more painful than the prospect of losing my brother. He recently he went to the ER due to extreme abdominal pain. I didn't know what was wrong but that first night it crossed my mind, what if I never saw him again? He wasn't trying to take his life but trust me, when you are faced with losing someone it doesn't matter. What would I do without him? How would I go about my life when I see or hear something that reminds me of him? He wouldn't want me to be sad. He would want me to remember the good times. But even those would hurt. We wouldn't be able to joke around, or talk about our problems, or share about our day, or even argue. It's all gone! Done, that's it! No second chances.

In a moment they could be gone and all that is left are memories and reminders. Whatever is going on in your life stops because now there is a gaping hole that you can't fill. You may think it is the end but it so far from it. Life is so much more than flesh and blood and the moment you are in. It is memories, experiences, encounters, impressions, emotions, relationships, pleasure, pain, and innumerable other things. There are heavy consequences.

I can never understand what someone else is going through. I only know myself. But just a taste of the pain loss can cause me sealed in my mind that I could never put someone else through that experience.