[u]Dramatic Word Vomit About Me Being Needy Like A Bitch[/u]

I'm in an RP I love, which has lasted for quite a long time when most RPs have died. In fact, it nearly died once, and I was one of the few people around who joined up when the GM wanted to bring it out of its coma. Thing is, it was a sandbox based off of a fandom I'm not too interested in, though the sandbox element interested me greatly initially. As the thing progressed, I've kept having to ramp up my enthusiasm time and time again, though it started to fall closer and closer into the original fandom. Now, it's close enough to the fandom that the people involved who know of it talk about the show constantly, and plan based loosely upon that...and I feel left out. There are instances that the story and plot is planned out in secret away from me by the bigger post contributors, and I've been left out and in the dark feeling like I'm being left behind. Every time a character from the show is introduced, me with my own interest OC feel like I'm getting less and less involved since I don't even know how to steer a canon NPC as I've always been careful about even lesser character depiction.

Due to the planning of the plot without me, much of my own character plans and development keeps getting squashed or put on the back burner. It's depressing, and brings me back to a depressing part of my life. I end up getting annoying trying to get plot spoilers, or trying to get involved and making stupid mistakes that someone who knows the canon in and out wouldn't. I get so worked up about details I don't understand inside and out, or things I've forgotten or didn't have clarity about, and become absolutely miserable about it. Still, I tried harder and harder to bring up my old enthusiasm, but it feels like less and less of my efforts are working and more and more of this is falling away from me. I fought with myself about this for a long while, but I'm not sure if I can last long enough in this RP without bringing negativity and feeling god awful here and there for my selfishness...augh, I'm just so so sorry I can't be happy about the direction of the RP like the rest of the small cast, who are entirely happy and enthusiastic.

So, a few days ago, I PMed the GM asking if I was really necessary to the RP...and asked about the possibility of dropping this thing. Part of me knows I could just settle, be happy, and write this thing...and another part of me tells me I'll make a fool out of myself, heck, even taking this whole thing too seriously is foolish, if not madness. Part of me argues that if the GM had just straight up asked me to stay with them, I'd be miserable...and then other part of me argues that if the GM just accepted my leave of this, I'd feel like the GM wasn't fighting for me to stay, didn't want me. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. Feel left out if I stay, actually be left out if I leave.

I was sure I'd be able to have the strength to l just leave the other day, offload my character plans to get it out of my system them write one last bit about my character leaving. But...after offloading the plans I was sure would never come to fruition in storyline, like so many others before it...the GM expressed wholehearted approval, and now I feel that damned hope. Hope, the one evil of the world that was smart enough to stay in the box and close to humans. The GM was told me plenty of time that my stuff was interesting, but for the most part, I've never executed the best stuff or settled for things that made my character feel less than themselves...and now, doubt has strung up like it always does, and now I'm doubting whether I was serious or seriously taking this all too seriously.

I don't know anymore, and I don't know what to do. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU--