That is improvement. Be sure to add a sentence or two more to the personality and change your picture to a character of similar style to the rest of the characters like I asked of everyone in the interest check. 

[url=http://www.deviantart.com/art/Lyrev-212401058] - There's an example of the style we're following (not a real photo, but realistic and not anime-ish) There are hundreds of similar styles to that of the concept art I linked. Be sure and link the artwork that you use from deviantart if you do use one from there. You can choose whichever you want as long as it isn't the same as any of the characters already chosen. I'm sure there is a guy that resembles that of the one you were going for. Remember though, that all the characters are all around 18-early 20's too :P

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[b]Alright everyone,[/b] 
The intro is posted. It isn't overly amazing, because I had a lot of distractions and a bad case of writer's block tonight. I'll also be thinking of the title of the first chapter which I will edit in whenever I can :)

Here's the Jedi Code of conduct by the way:
(You'll need it to answer the question in the intro)

[I]"Jedi are the guardians of peace in the galaxy. 
Jedi use their powers to defend and to protect. 
Jedi respect all life, in any form. 
Jedi serve others rather than ruling over them, for the good of the galaxy. 
Jedi seek to improve themselves through knowledge and training."[/I] 
- I used [url=http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Jedi_Code] as the source.

Let's start this thing!