Review of Daro Grandes CS, [@Drunken Conquistador]

There is quite a number of sentences being unexpectedly broken off, ending and starting strangely. This results in very poor textual flow and individual sentences not making sense. That needs to be fixed.

Another thing of note is that while Sith are involved in most battles, the majority of fighters are regular imperial troopers. When you get to the part with the Minos Cluster Campaign, it is important to note that the republic didn’t have the advantage here. Initially, the Empire conquered most of the cluster, but over the years territory changed hands many times. There was a series of Republic victories following the morale-boosting victory in the battle of Alderaan, but they still did not hold a real advantage in this campaign. If they had, the offer of peace would not have come as such a surprise.

When there is a functioning rank structure, a Jedi can’t alone promote his or her padawan to the rank of Knight. Even in war, a padawan has to go through the trials. The master can deem a padawan ready, but promotion requires input from higher up in the system. There aren’t exceptions to this.

Minor thing: its Republic lines, not republican lines. (such minor things tend to irritate us)

Your character would probably feel a bit better if he didn’t always succeed. Show him losing a few times too. Doesn’t have to do any permanent harm, but not succeeding on everything he tries will give him depth.

Review from Fallenreaper Additions 

Appearance: How tall is Daro? 6 foot, 4’2”, this might seem minor and often overlooked in CSes but it tends to help when it comes to glaring conflicts or conversations, etc.Besides the scar across the face, is there any other scars that stick out or obvious? What type of robes does he wear, the commonplace type or any thing special about them? Appearances can say a lot about a PC on first impressions which might be something to keep in mind when creating, but it doesn’t have to overwhelming or over the top. Something as simple as a different color to the robes or how they are kept, etc. can say a lot. Take Xid, who’s specialized with tech, has stains from machine oil on his robes often enough or damaged hands from burns, cuts, calluses and bruising. Skin color might also be a good thing to mention as we don’t have an image to view for him. 

I read in the bio he has a respect and fear, mixed, toward the Imperial troopers. If he’s unnerved around them than that could be a flaw, mainly as it could influence his lightsaber abilities or make him second guess his ability to overcome the challenge, resulting in weaker attacks or clumsy counters against Imperial troopers in groups. Even getting hit during combat, something less likely with a lightsaber combatant. It could even been a massively, single event that left him scarred. Just another thought to chew on.

Skills: I like the idea he has another additional skill set outside combat, about the campaign knowledge, though you don’t mention a lot about it at start and fact it was so early, that knowledge can be rusty. Several years going from supply guard to front line fighter will do that. I suggest, mainly as I like this skill due to being different from purely combative PCs and feel it fits the portrayal you’re going for, that you might want to his time spent at the frontlines more sparse and instead focus it on securing/escorting supplies toward Republic troops. This would also lessen his combative nature and knowledge a bit, from frontline fighter, to more armed and skilled guard level. Keeping that in mind he could’ve met some of the faces behind the masks and seen the suffering in a different light, still bad but not as scarring as the frontlines until he was older. 

Force abilities: I’m assuming all those abilities listed are all basic level, right? I hope, else, you need to be specific on things outside the basic level. 

History: One thing to note is that not all Jedi were strictly frontline fights and some had only experienced it briefly. Take Xid and Lea, accepted PCs, whose history reflect they have seen the least of the war front but still played a critical roles to help prevent their side from falling. Lea in healing while Xid used his own talent which you’ll likely discover later. 

Personality and/or Motives: I see the fear and respect mentioned again here. *points to flaws suggestion*

Player’s Long Term Goals: I think you might’ve misunderstood this part. This isn’t about what the PC wants, but what you as a Player would like see or aim to shoot for. Like if you aim to escape with him, allow the option to turn and what you would like to see with that, etc. More of peek of what plot ideas, aspects you want to explore, and more you might want to bring to the table for this rp should your PC live long enough to do it. This helps us as GMs to see what we should consider in the future for the rp and where to take it. 



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CS review. [@Hexaflexagon]’s Quasasll.

Statement: You are a meatbag.

Fact: Blue Meatbags are just as fragile as other meatbags.
Statement: Inhaling smoke is unhealthy for meatbags.

Fact: Your species of meatbag is also loyal to the Sith Empire.
Statement: Imperial loyalty comes after Ascendancy.

Fact: Splicing is the act of connecting two wires together. Even a meatbag needs no education to do that.
Recommendation: Slicing is a useful skill for meatbags to learn.

Statement: Fear is a flaw in meatbags.

Statement: Loyalty is a valuable trait.
Fact: Loyalty can get you killed.

Question: How did the Sith convince the Chiss to give him up?

Fact: For a meatbag, 13 years is not old to begin training. Droids start working within days of assembly.

Statement: Sentiment and attachment are flaws common to meatbags.

[hider=non-HK-47 format]
Its unhealthy to use deathsticks. Perhaps you should make a note of that habit?

Is there anything in appearance that doesn’t come forth in the picture?

Chiss aren’t just loyal to the Sith, the Ascendancy and themselves… they’re also loyal to the Empire. But the empire frequently comes after the Ascendancy on the priority list.

You used “splicing” a few places when you almost certainly meant “slicing”.

What did that Sith do to convince the Ascendancy to give him up rather than execute him? There must be more to this?

Its not at all unusual for Sith to start training at a very young age. The earlier you start, the earlier you are of use to the Empire.

His sentiment and attachment is a useful set of flaws.[/hider]

Review notes from Echo
Powers seem a little bit much (only a little mind you).

While I can see why he might’ve learned most of them, I do not see why he learned Force Slow (a power really only useful in combat, which he avoids - though do tell me if he has come up with a way of using it for Torture). As well, though Force Drain, Lightning and Illusion are all definitely applicable in torture, using them in the hectic environment of combat is quite something else. Perhaps he requires preparation time for effective use of these powers. Another aspect of this being that if he displayed a great deal of ease using such effective abilities, he may very well not have been able to remain in the safe environment of an Inquisitor, rather, he would be reassigned to fight on the front.

On the other hand, I very much like the long term goals, as well as his personality, motivations and flaws. 

Appearance: A little text, maybe just his height or something to mention he’s average height and not the tallest male around. A bit clothing style, and anything necessary details that other PCS might note that makes him stick out visually compared to any other Chiss. Not asking you make them but keep them in mind if there are any.  




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[@Flagg] There are still some things that need to be fixed in Callidus before he is approved.

First of all. Appearance. Fallen really wants to know how tall he is. Would her characters look him in the eye, or would they stare at his thin chest? Is there anything else of note about his appearance?

Secondly. Imperial intelligence and the Sith tend to quarrel a bit and want to outdo each other. What is the reason Callidus is an exception to that? Try to work that into his lore. Was perhaps his first master deeply involved in Imperial Intelligence? 

Thirdly. This refers to the PM we sent you a while ago. With his being undercover in the republic, any stronger Jedi that came near him would normally have sensed his true nature as a practitioner of the Dark Side, even if they could not readily pinpoint the source as being him. That would have been rather unfortunate. Neither the Sith he served nor Imperial Intelligence would have made such a grievous mistake. Thus we actually recommend that he is trained in Force Stealth, which would allow him to hide his nature in the Force from others.

Later, whenever he came into the service of Darth Nyiss, he would perhaps have repositioned to Coruscant, where he could not only aid her goals, but also provide better intel to the Empire. When she became aware of the Sacking, he would probably have been instructed to lay the local groundwork for Nyiss’ own project in the Sacking. If he through that role also came into good relations with a number of the captives-to-be, the unveiling of his true nature might be… unsettling… to them.

His good service undercover might even be part of how he rises (or rose) to the rank of Sith Lord.
The changes suggested above imply that he is not discovered by the SIS or the Jedi.

Fourthly, you should add some more relations. We’d suggest some with a few Jedi as well as with a Sith or two.

Finally:
Statement: You are all meatbags.