Done! Record time! Let’s begin, yes? Disclaimer: Comments are based on preference alone, excluding those related to grammar. Anything stated may be ignorant or ridiculous and probably not even helpful. Most of these are rambly commentaries rather than constructive critiques, but I thought I'd might as well put in my 2 cents. [hider=The Dark Places] Hi, Windy. *pause* *shifts feet* Feels kinda awkward talking to you in a (relatively) serious tone and not slinging exaggeratedly eloquent insults at you, but I shall try to surmount this. Er, let’s see… Where to begin? I guess I should start off saying that I’m more than a little disappointed that you didn’t finish your entry—and I know you are too. But it’s okay, of course. You have a life, you had limited time, and you did your best with what you had. And, honestly? Not bad at all. Actually, it was great… No, “great” doesn’t do it justice. I’m making up a word for you: it was… [i]bevixical[/i]. Yeah, I went there. You already know what I’m about to say, but I’ll reiterate it for emphasis, and so others reading this can laugh at me. I had to actually [i]stop[/i] reading during some bits because things were getting a little, em… Spine-tingling. I don’t normally do that, I’ll have you know. You succeeded in giving me a mini panic attack regarding your hell-woman when I was still in my hypnagogic state the next morning. (Or does that only happen when falling asleep? Damn you, psychology!) I feel like this is a stupid critique but I kinda got lost with your original names for planets/nations/ ethnic groups. I understand it would be foolish to just leave them out, but, I don’t know, I feel like you could’ve elaborated a bit more on the backgrounds of such terms. For example, we see Riley feels strong loathing toward Rei for being Lyanaise, and while some may connect the dots that it parallels our world’s Japanese nationality, we’re never really told why exactly Riley hates these people. Was Riley fighting these people? If so, why doesn’t Adrian hold such a grudge? (See Keyguyperson’s entry which had something similar, though I was fine with how it was executed there.) And before my train of thought thunders away, I also felt a little confused about the timeline. I’m not sure how exactly to word my questions about this, but I felt lost about the relationship between Adrian and Riley (they fought together yet got onboard at different times? Why is Adrian a war hero and Riley not?) I guess these are silly questions, but Windy, [i]seriously[/i], you know I’m not a very great reader, so if you did address these points in the text, please tell me. But, at any rate, that doesn’t interfere with the actual story. And that’s really the only critical remark I can make… Ugh, just rereading the soulless speech of Adrian and that dude in the pit give me the major creeps. Um, what else? I’ve been writing with you for a pretty long time bruh, and this outdoes even some of the best scenes I’ve seen you write in our many collabs. This story showed me the real limits of your writing skills, beyond Kaelyn (and all her many appearances), Terra, Alexa, Jake (who ACTUALLY Riley kinda reminds me of? Ja feel?), Kaden (the, um, the poor one), Brandon (yes, he counts), Autumn, Sierra, Ryan… You’ve made some outstanding characters, but this story is simply the metaphorical cherry on top. You wanted to write a horror story relating to the theme, and I can affirm you did that and so much more. [/hider] [hider=A Tale of Two Soldiers] I’d like to start off my review commending you for your ability to write such long stories in a pretty short span of time. I feel like if you can writing something as long as you do and not have the story completely fall apart, that’s something to brag about right there. I enjoyed the idea of having a familiar topic such as war (and species analogous to nationalities we know) and plopping it all into a setting that coincides with the theme of the contest. I think it’s pretty cool that it was based off a true story; I almost want to call it a fanfic, but it obviously isn’t. It’s just kinda… adding your own flair and giving life to something, and you did a fantastic job doing it. Your style of writing appears very methodical at times and well-thought out, making the read much more immersive. The descriptions of desert hellhole Matrouh were excellent, especially all the references to the dust. As you may know, I’m usually easily impressed (not that this should take away from the excellence of your story—it’s really good, I swear!), so, really, the only critique I can think of that makes any bit of sense is maybe a few grammatical quirks that I’m unsure are even errors at all, but differing style preferences. I was a little worried the story wouldn’t really have a kind of meaningful oomph to it, but the ending really hit it home with: “In that moment, they just cared that both of them were people, people in the same situation.” Absolutely loved that. Did you think of that yourself? I’d copyright that. Or trademark it, or whatever. It’s gold. All in all, an enjoyable and enveloping story. I’m actually not too familiar with your writing (the only other work of yours I’ve read is [i]Never Forget[/i], but it seems you can certainly output some high-qual stuff. P.S. In the entry I was thinking of submitting (but ended up deleting because it was rubbish), my main character, a girl, was named Carina. I dunno. Thought it was cool you used the name too. [/hider] [hider=The Birth of A Unlucky Star] Cliffhanger, eh? Not gonna complain; you’re talking to the king of things left unfinished. Heh. I’m not usually a big fan of coloring in the text of dialogue, but I feel it’s fitting in the context of your story, considering the synesthetic references. If I had to pick, I’d say the thing you executed best in the story was in fact the dialogue, though not just the coloring of course. You carried out the banter between Centari, Leo, Palida, and the main character in a way that was natural, light, and playful. The universe you’ve created with the city and the personified stars is intriguing, and I would undoubtably love to see a continuation to this. There’s something special (I think, at least) about the “Zeta Leonis” that just appeared in that world, and I wanna know what. Your narration is smooth and eloquent, but those who praise flawless grammar would probably point out that a new paragraph should be made whenever a dialogue by another is introduced. (I don’t praise flawless grammar, but I suppose it’s something worth pointing out? Many people ignore this ‘rule’ though, so don’t worry.) Overall, I’d say you’ve spun up a well-spun tale. :) [/hider] [hider=Wise Men] What? More cliffhangers?! Your entry reminded me of like… a movie trailer. After the ending, I can see the screen flash black with a message giving a debut date and the title of the movie. The biblical references but coming from space have very exciting implications that I personally love. It’s just… Ugh, yes! All meshed together so nicely. What a creative and different idea, yet indescribably familiar? Wise men, coming from the East (er… space), following a star to bring gifts to a child born in a manger. Christmas and space. My two favorite things. Your story is shorter than some of the others (not a bad thing; just less to comment on), but I’d say your grammar is spot on. Also, I particularly liked your development of Catherine (I love venomous females). Like the other cliffhangers before this, I’d much enjoy reading a follow up! [/hider] [hider=As Beautiful as the Stars] Mikhal and Catheryn. Interesting names. I tried to Google whether or not they were astronomically significant, but they don’t appear to be. Correct me if I’m wrong though! You worked with the prompt for a different angle, which was nice. Instead of being about or set in the cosmos, your story was 100% Earth-experience. (Or, if the world which they live on isn’t Earth, it’s an experience that is familiar on Earth). Merely two lovers, enjoying possibly their last night underneath the same stars together. I also liked the rich girl/worker-class boy thing going on. Oh, and I want to add that you slipped in that North Star reference very smoothly. Kudos! I have one criticism for you… I wish you had put the lyrics of the song Mikhal sang with his lute. Even if you’re not a songwriter, it’d be good practice for spitting some poetic fire. And I truly believe you could have done it because Mikhal’s speech is exactly like that too. If you couldn’t think of something good because of time, that’s fine. But if you merely didn’t want to or felt you couldn’t do one well enough, I suggest you try! :) Regardless, that is only a small quirk. Otherwise your story was well-written and, I hate using this word but it seems appropriate, cute. [/hider] [hider=Per Aspera, Ad Astra] “Through hardships, to the stars.” A delightfully appropriate title. What a sad and beautifully written story. The idea of the narrator trying to figure out what being a friend truly means driving the plot gives an excellent rhythm and comes to a crescendo when Astie passes away. The way you wrote it just… It really gets you in the feels. The way the stars left Astie’s eyes and rolled down her cheeks? That’s just downright depressing! Who couldn’t feel empathy for the poor girl? While this may [i]seem[/i] like a criticism, it isn’t. I’m just confused about how Astie really died… And also what exactly being a friend meant. I like it when things are spelled out for me. But I understand that being literarily vague and not mentioning things for the reader to figure out is a very common art, so I can’t complain. But would you mind answering these for me anyway? :) (But of course, you don’t have to.) [/hider] [hider=Cosmic Mind] I don’t know if I’d call this a fanfic, but since it’s “loosely based”… Ah, whatever. I’m gonna do something different here: open with criticism and end with praise. The biggest criticism I can find in your story is this: the sentence flow. Your story itself flowed just fine, but I noticed you tended to put a lot of information and implications into a sentence without offering many other details. Take these sentences for example: “A stinger tail grew from the back of Scorpio’s head and struck the thing as it opened the door. I backed away as I saw a human recoil from the attack, though once I recovered myself, I immediately saw its green skin and large, black eyes. Ahead I saw more of the green men as they fired upon us with machine guns.” There was just a lot of action here that I feel you could’ve spread out a bit more, you feel? It’s nothing serious, of course. For all I know, you may have written it like that on purpose. Other than that, your story is free of grammar errors (that I can remember), structured appropriately and meaningfully, and included… wait for it, another cliffhanger! I feel like the “whole” story has the potential to be very long, so I can understand why you stopped where you did. Anyway, I would say you did a great job setting up fir the rest of the story. [/hider] [hider=Star Crossed] That ending tho. I didn’t quite expect that final sentence… You certainly had a creative idea though. While I’m assuming you’re going for the “Pluto” bonus category, you didn’t just make it, I don’t know, a story based on Pluto, or someone named Pluto or something. A boy with a passion for space committing a suicide instigated by the rejection of Pluto as a planet was a gracefully somber way to take on the prompt. Although the story is masterfully written, my only comment is that no matter how hard I try, I simply can’t wrap my mind around the fact that the boy did what he did because of a planet (or, er, a dwarf planet). And the worst part of it is that I can’t tell if this is satire or not. I want to say it isn’t, which explains my intense guilt at having to repress a snicker upon reading the last line. I apologize for that. I mean, I can understand the boy literally being in love with Pluto, 100% enamored, but I feel that its status as a planet or not, a rather subjective definition which humans created, should not have as profound an impact on him as it did. After all, planet or not, Pluto remains there in the sky, still in orbit, still beautiful. However, I’m not saying I don’t like the ending—it was merely unexpected, which I have no problem with. And for that, I can say that it was one of my favorite reads here. [/hider] [hider=The Meta Universe] Fin. Noggin. Duuuuude. Hope no one’s gonna click this, hehe. Or maybe I just shouldn’t have included it here at all, and that’d be less conspicuous… Hmm. No, no. There were two poems, only listing one would give it away too. Meh. If you clicked this then, umm… Congrats. You were gonna find out I wrote it eventually. But I like surprises. I dunno. I’m rambling. Just like in my poem. I’m a rambler. I could literally just jabber for hours while still not making an iota of sense… Ok but seriously I should stop before I actually do end up doing that. LOL Oh, and as for my work being poetry/prose, I originally thought it’d be poetry just because poetry is also a play on structure (?) which I kinda thought I did with the paragraph breaks being different entities. Either way, it doesn’t make a difference to me! :D [/hider] [hider=Time and Space] I’m going to continue with the theme that, if I voted for the entry, I’m not gonna review it because, obviously, it’s what I felt had the most strengths and least flaws. And also was just kickass in general. Seriously, I wanted to turn this into a rap. [/hider]