-Pick one or two keywords vaguely related to the text.
-Edit keywords into assignment question. You now have a thesis.
-Find a sentence that you find interesting. Bonus points if it has some connection to your thesis.
-Elaborate extravagantly on the structure of the sentence. Single out long words to talk about.
-When you run into a contradiction, pick another sentence and talk about it for a little while.
-Reword and re-state your thesis.
-Tailor a topic sentence for whatever the hell it is you've written and put it at the start.
-Repeat.
-Embellish with introduction and conclusion, which are both basically just the thesis reworded and re-reworded a couple of times in a row, but with 'Author's [i]Text Title[/i]' inserted somewhere.

You'll probably get about 60%.