Tobias could only stare as the elf sitting next to him deliberately, point by point, responded to every part of his diatribe. Even after she finished, he remained silent for a moment, his mouth opening and closing like a fish. That was new.

Fortunately, the conversation moved on without him for a moment, allowing the thief to adjust. Reaching into his pack, Tobias pulled out a red apple he'd saved from breakfast and took a loud bite of it, speaking with his mouth still full. "Sounds to me like a wizard did it," he said to Melvus. "Or demons. Zombies? Ancient curses? Or, hey, maybe they all went on holiday and you missed the memo? You should head back and check. This apple sucks. I knew a guy with that once, Vaeri - wait, no, it was two right feet. Much more normal. He could barely walk, though - tripped and fell in a well one day. Guards fished him out. Shame, kid had the fastest fingers of anyone I ever met, not counting me. Is someone smoking? Smells like home. Just add manure, garbage, and bodies and I'll be off on a nostalgia trip."

The thief was silent for a moment - long enough to hear snatches of the conversation between Hugh and Fiona. He cut in wryly, "I dunno, Hugh, not all men have a woman who'll completely throw out all her moral reasoning and principles and start acting batshit violent because their sweetheart got stabbed up. You're a lucky guy. Or, you know, maybe not. Depends on how you look at it. In any case, I'd be more than happy to assist if you need help wooing the fair maiden. You may be gruff, stern, and a little scary, but Tobias'll have you a good old-fashioned lover boy in no time." 

Tobias took another bite of the apple, holding the reins with one hand and humming to himself as he looked down the road.