Haha. Yes, lesse. I wrote Dramatic Reveal. Thanks those who read it and liked it. It is based on the idea that "What if, in one of those arch-typical story-driven RPGs, when you get to that mid-game enemy that was initially presented as the grand villain but he dramatically reveals to have been good all along when he explains himself... What if he was lying?" The story was written in a single, hurried, day because I had been busy, but I was still pretty proud of it. [quote=@darkwolf687][Hider=Dramatic Reveal] Oh how an unimaginative title belies this work! Well written and in a world which felt rich, although I saw the twist coming I loved it all the same and while I will not spoil it for another who for whatever reason is skimming the reviews rather than reading (In which case, go read!), I will say that the delivery of it was good... One minor gripe though "Yo." This took me right out and made me laugh, but once I got over it, it didn't dull my desire to read the rest. Well done. 9/10 [/hider][/quote] I am happy you liked it. I am amused that you saw the twist coming and enjoyed it regardless. As for your minor gripe, I do not regret it at all, real Embervi is such a casual dude that it felt totally fitting. XD [quote=@mdk][hider=dramatic reveal] Jeez, you got me. Got me good. That [i]might[/i] be the best lie so far….. I mean I’ll have to weigh it, but that was really well done. THAT SAID! The story was great but the style wasn’t stellar – aspects were [i]beyond[/i] great, I mean legitimately I thought I was reading a new Final Fantasy pitch for a while there. The world was great. The characters were (I think) exactly and concisely what you wanted them to be. My two gripes – and they’re sadly big – are Exposition and Repetition. Exposition makes sense – you had a whole lot of setup required by this particular lie, a certain amount was inevitable, and I wouldn’t begrudge a little bit of exposition to get to the point that much quicker. It was [i]laced[/i] throughout the entire story though – we’d stop talking about the conversation for a minute to instead explain how all the party members came to join. And notably too – though this might’ve just been a brainfart by me – I had no idea magic was involved until you brought up the gods of magic. So like…. Given that lots of exposition was always going to be required, it seems like that should’ve been a bigger deal sooner. Repetition is a more obvious and thus simpler problem – things like “In its place, this took place” or saying ‘barrier’ four times in three sentences – easy to fix, just change up the language. I’m being picky partly because it’s theoretically good for you in the long run, and partly because of how much I liked the story. You got my mind going a thousand miles an hour in one direction and then faked me out completely on the lie. Extremely impressed. Damn good job.[/hider][/quote] Yupp. This entry was written to look like the world of one of those JRPG worlds, so I am happy I got that down. For the part of you missing the magic, I did mention in the beginning that Embervi was wielding a magical staff, but I suppose I could have done some form of thing to introduce the existence of magic a little better. It was a fantasy world, after all. Haha. For the exposition... I did have a lot of information I wanted to get through. Three paragraphs felt enough for the start to get the reader into the story, then... oy, this is a story of exposition. I had a huge world to develop for a short story. I suppose I simply had too much information in this. I'll keep it in mind. As for the repetition... I was in a hurry, so I might have let a few of those through. Sorry about that. Haha. I'll keep it in mind for the future~ Thank you for reading~ I am very much happy that I managed to fool someone. I have one of every kind of the three most common reactions in three reviewers! I feel wonderful! Hahaha. Alright. Now to explain myself to Holmishire. [quote=@Holmishire]>B- [hider=Entry #6: Dramatic Reveal] A little nitpick right from the get-go that threw me off. The first sentence is in present tense, yet all of the exposition and action that come afterwards is in the past. Insignificant, I know. The first three paragraphs of exposition are bulky and something of a chore to push through. The information contained therein is necessary, but presenting it in one big dump is not the most exciting way to go about it. It makes it evident that this short story isn't really [i]designed[/i] to [i]be[/i] a short story, but instead a conclusion to a much larger story. There are ways of hinting at a greater plot past or future without making the short story itself any less powerful on its own. This would be a great [i]part[/i], but it shouldn't have to be. That said, the bulk of the entry itself was good, with an interesting if at times somewhat underdeveloped cast. The final twist, however, was disappointing for a few reasons. First, we weren't given much of a chance to connect with Embervi, so his betrayal didn't really hit any emotional chords. It was [i]said[/i] that he was Artion's best friend, but it wasn't really shown—again, due to this being only part of the story. Second, Jiorn felt like a total loose end, with almost no development, his morality confusingly thrown about, and his twist being untwisted for no apparent reason in quick succession. Even Tytanios's apparent emotional turbulence upon sending away his lieutenant is brushed off as nothing—so what was the bitterness included for? And third, it was revealed through a casual conversation between two characters whose relationship with each other is hardly touched upon. Hardly dramatic. The twist itself was okay, but the presentation was lacking.[/hider][/quote] The first sentence should be present-tense. I mean, unless the story itself is destroyed, the story will still take place in that world. I can't say it "took" place in that world, since the story still exists. Of course, all the rest is what happened in that story, hence past tense. Did I get something incorrectly? Everything in that world was designed for this short story. This entire story is about this meeting, the rest is just information I needed to make up for this story to make sense. There was no way I could have done it other than either informing the reader in the beginning or throwing all the information into their lines, somehow. Which I might have, but it felt wrong to send the reader directly into the encounter without an idea what was going on. Three paragraphs felt just enough. Two wouldn't have gotten enough info to the reader. Four would have become too much. Three felt like just enough. Yeah, I didn't have too much room to develop them in the short time I had with them, haha. Thanks for saying they're interesting. Embervi was never supposed to hit any emotional chords. The story was simply too short for that, so I settled on that the reader simply got to be aware of what was going on. Joirn I included because the trope of an enemy becoming an ally is common enough for me to include it, because it was interesting. Tytanios brief bitterness about it is because, well, he's human and therefore felt just a tinge of regret about sending a chap he slightly liked to his death, but nothing more to it. It just made sense from the character as I created him. And yes, the final conversation was made to be as anti-dramatic as possible. This was to represent how we no longer were on the field of telling a dramatic story, but simply the backstage where the two who prepared the epic reveal talk about what they just did as casually and naturally as possible. Yupp, that's about that. I do see what you're saying, but I never really went out with the intention of making it like you're describing that it could be. And I'm... kind of fine with that. I only had a day to write it when I finally decided to. Thanks for critiquing. Now for something completely different. [quote=@darkwolf687] /me hides somewhat in shame I'll be entirely honest, mate; I didn't even proof read it. Additionally, after I got about half way through writing it, something happened in real life, so approximately the last 9000 words were half arsed. Thus, I cannot in good faith accept any praise for effort because the effort I put in was pitiful. I once spent nearly two full days with no work done on it at all before finally going "Oh yeah, I should probably write..." I entered this because a friend urged me to, I put in only a modicum of effort to write a piece up and have no intention of actually winning anything. I have never entered a contest here before and quite possibly never will again. As for the ending, I am sorry it disappointed. In truth, I had nothing in the way of ideas for an ending, decided not to think anything ul and so just choose to simply play it straight. This is probably just another sign that I'm lazy haha. It is the world of Half life and I am glad you think I portrayed it well; Though I am hesitant to pat myself on the back for it could easily have been so much better[/quote] I can't possibly know if you portrayed it well; this is the only portrayal I know! I just know I got a rather good image in my head, accurate or not! XD In any case. I think you should feel a bit better. While yes, the lack of proof-reading was apparent, I still think you wrote a pretty nice story, all things considered. Should be at least a 7/10, even if it had a rather disappointing ending. I mean, it got sincerely exciting, with amusing comedy thrown in for good measure here and there, and some heartwarming and understandable situation and engaging individuals. Kind of. Yeah. Except the ending disappointed. Oh, well.