[quote=YipeeXD]
btw, I'm not like... doubting my own writing.... I just don't like my style. I'm a competent writer lol.
[/quote]

I can tell you one thing from reading a few lines of dialogue.

You use ellipses too much. I can do this a lot too to form pauses and breaks, but I think it's a bad habit to make. This coming from the guy who used to put ten ellipses in one sentence. >_> People are going to read dialogue the way they feel the character would, and if that person makes a lot of breaks and pauses, then they're going to connect that. If you find yourself making too many breaks and pauses, simply stop what you're doing and write the sentence grammatically correct. When I read, I usually understand the gravitas of certain situations and read the dialogue accordingly. If you express through the setting and the character's actions, people are going to connect that to how they're speaking. Muddling up speech with unnecessary punctuation can be confusing, can hurt the eyes, and ultimately break the flow of the story, so show how your character is feeling, explain the situation they're currently in, and the audience will connect the rest.

Use modifiers such as breaking speech with periods to show biting sarcasm and extreme diction, as well as ellipses and hyphens to form breaks and pauses very sparingly. Meaning only use them when you think it is absolutely necessary and not when a character is naturally pausing 'cause it's the way they speak. It makes dialogue easier to read and cleaner too.

EDIT: And Hayden doesn't get people out of detention, especially if he sees you eyeing his sister. @_@ When Acacia comes into play, the guy's got the eyes of a damn hawk. He's behind the scenes overprotective, so it's not overbearing... just noticeable after a few years.

Think Robert Di Nero in any of those Meet the Fockers movies.