Jesus these were good. I mean like they were all really good guys. If you want to talk to me more about your entry feel free to, but unless I made some completely incorrect statement about your piece, I don't believe these marks or positions will be changing. Thanks for letting me run a contest I'd love to do it again! [h3][b]Krayzikk – Steam, Smoke, Bullets[/b][/h3] - Favourite quotation “The words were quieter. He felt something wet on his face, tried to pretend that it was blood. Would have been better than the truth. The fury was back, fervent and hot. It burned within him, made him want to lash out. Break something, scream at someone, anything to prove he was still alive. That he’d stay that way.” Great way to show how someone desperately hangs on. - No music. - Painted a nice scene once they were inside the ship. You actually did a great job throughout the story giving me just enough information but not too much so well done in that aspect. - The frenzied nature of the battle was captured nicely through shorter sentences. I found that you expertly took your time introducing new tiring elements to their battle whether it was their low aura or what have you. Really though, that was well done. - We see a lot of the other characters in this mission, however their thoughts and opinions are somewhat vague due to the over the shoulder framework you’re working with. Made me somewhat wanting for something a little more form those characters. - Segments just before Ben was injured started to feel somewhat clunky ‘or the fact that the others weren’t in much better shape. Or every bruise he was starting to feel. Or how much further to the ship.’Somehwat awkwardly worded, though I do enjoy the use of repetition. - All in all a solid A-. You showed me Ben dying, his last struggle, one that refused to just end but I found myself yearning for something a little bit more. All in all though, a solid entry. Well done! [h3][b]Guess Who – Almost Made Myself Cry Writing This One[/b][/h3] - Favourite quotation: “I don’t think I could keep their names straight even before I was diagnosed.” - Music is involved, Dust in the Wind by Kansas, classic examples of some older sad music. - ‘You probably would if you were still here.’ A very casual way to mention a dead love. - The ideas here are fantastic, there’s a sort of melancholic comedy to it. - However, I will say that this entry I found myself reading it and thinking that it lacked a subtlety that I thought it should have. There’s a saying that I’ve heard and sometimes found myself struggling with as a writer, show don’t tell. I found that you were telling me too much here instead of showing it to me. “I wish I could.” Is the only preempt we get to the reveal that Robert is now suffering from Alzheimer’s, which could’ve been a devastating and powerful blow to the reader. - This trend unfortunately continues as we see him say things like “There goes my lung, the other lung.” This is twice first partway through the story and second at the end. It seems odd that he’s so casual, and I found myself more focused on that then any kind of feeling of empathy for Robert that I wanted to have. - All in all, the ideas in this piece are top tier, there’s nothing sadder than the hunter to out lived his loved ones. But the execution suffered from telling instead of showing, and for that reason and the lack of tact with the injuries I felt a little lost. I still believe this entry could’ve garnered an easy B+ - A- [h3][b]Forsythe – Untitled[/b][/h3] - Favorite quotation: ‘“You never told me how mom died.” It was not a question, but there was a burning need of an answer in the child’s tone.’ When I read this line I was 1:02 in the song and it synced perfectly with the scene. I was honestly impressed by that, so well done. - The musical accompaniment was really good, never heard the song before, which helped and it just so happened to sync up with my reading speed pretty much perfectly so spot on for that. - I thought you did a really good job taking the approach of a sacrifice. Though I actually found myself somewhat confused, I couldn’t tell if “Diamond Frost, I was hoping for a pyramid…” was Diamond’s actual headstone inscription or if it was her speaking beyond the grave. Either way it wasn’t a big part of the story so it wasn’t all that big of a deal. - I thought the idea of telling this story through the eyes of someone else was a daring move, we wouldn’t be able to have the urgency of a present tense story, and instead you’d have to focus on the melancholia of the past. - I thought your story started off very strong, but I found it started to lose it’s sadness as you attempted to play both sides of the death coin. First it was a sad look at the past, but then it shifted into the memory. I found this part of the story to suffer sometimes from clunkyness. At first you did an excellent job at describing the scene, I knew where the story had shifted to. However, we were brought back to the grave for her lover’s asides and then back to the story and I found that somewhat jarring as a reader. - The ending also felt somewhat rushed. I see what you were going for with the daughter not being able to remember Diamond’s face, we needed something sad towards the end as Diamond started the story off dead. But it didn’t really have the same effect to me. - Overall though, I thought this was a very well made entry. The music was really well chosen and fit the theme of this entry very well, and while the ending felt somewhat rushed and the storytelling could be clunky overall these are small complaints. [h3][b]Eklipse – Mission Rating F[/b][/h3] - Favourite quote: "Maybe if she was lucky, she could join them... right? The slightest hint of a smile [i]kissed[/i] her lips at the thought as the heart monitor uncaringly blared out its story." - Music was included, I felt that it was somewhat distracting though overall tonally a good choice. - This entry suffered from one thing specifically and that was that you had a certain train of thought, but you didn’t make sure the reader shared that train of thought with you. Somewhere along the trail some details were lost and I couldn’t tell if Krysthane blamed herself, had killed them herselves or what had really transpired. Perhaps that was what you were going for, but I found it entirely distracting and completely stopped me from sympathizing with Krysthane’s struggle in that moment of truly desperation. - If you read some of the other reviews you'll notice I go on about showing and not telling a lot. I found that while you did a good job of not telling me too much opting instead to show me, I couldn't see what you were trying to show me. It was this small detail that made me lose focus while reading this piece and even after rereading I couldn't quite decipher it. - I like the idea of your entry a lot, however. This is the second entry I’ve read now (reading them in chronological order) that featured the hunter who survived. This was handled very differently from that other entry, but I like how you handled it. That being said without knowing the events that transpired on that last mission, it is hard to say much more. - All in all this entry was good, but you ended up losing me. [b][h3]Prince of Seraphs – Paid in Blood[/h3][/b] - Favorite quote: "Sapphire usual cloths were also gone along with the bracelets that used to hold her most treasured weapons. Now she wore a rather unflattering burgundy jumpsuit with the number 24601 stitched over her left breast. She had a brown studded collar wrapped around her neck. Its purpose was simple, to deliver an electric shock if her aura activated." A phenomenal reveal, seriously masterfully done. - Music included was touching, and it worked well, though I didn't love that it was a collection of pieces, small complaint though. - I would say that this pieces greatest strength right up until time freezes is its pace. The way you handled each piece of new information you threw at me was well thought out and skillful so I commend you on that. - You actually made me forget, for about thirty seconds, that Sapphire was going to die. So well done on that. - Now one small nitpicking kind of issue I had with it, knowing how drowning works, I’m pretty sure the body couldn’t suffocate itself to death even if it thought it was drowning. I say this because typically speaking humans don’t die of suffocation when they dry drown or wet drown. So there’s that, but I didn’t really have a problem with this. It’s RWBY not science. - The idea of an execution is original, and the idea that she wants to end the cycle of violence and be a martyr was somewhat less so. I liked the idea all the same, but as soon as time froze I knew and there was a suggestion of escape, I felt like I knew exactly what was going to happen. - I like the way you handled the side characters in this story, be it Sapphire’s team, her family, or Nathaniel Rakim. You gave each one the amount of attention they warranted and that felt really good. Most issues I have with this story are nitpicky to say the least. - “‘This will never end and it has to. I don't want die,’ her breathe came in uneven gasps as she spoke those last words ‘but I don't want you to die because of me. This will keep you safe.’” This segment as important as it was felt confusing and awkwardly worded. I didn’t really understand why Sapphire thought Rakim would just stop killing hunters after her. But alas, the word count is ever present and whatnot. - All in all, I know you struggled with the word count and I think you rose to the challenge rather well. Congratulations on another great entry. [b][h3]Kaithas – Broken Bird[/h3][/b] - Favorite quote: One last rattling breath, then a silence broken only by a chick crying for its mother.” - I have conflicting feelings about this entry. By your request, I only played the song until the battle started, then continued the song after it had ended. That was definitely a good call, as I would’ve most likely deducted points on an ill-fitting song. - Firstly, I have to say that my favorite part of this contest thus far has been the variety of entries. The majority of yours is under the assumption that this is another day in the field. I liked that tactic as you actually managed to make the hospital scene feel frantic, like she was running out of time. - [s]Now that being said, I found myself confused as to why Amy was on the mission in the first place. She seemed incapable of fighting properly against an adversary and thusly it seemed like a mission that shouldn’t have happened in the first place.[/s] I [s]may[/s] [i]was[/i] [s]be[/s] missing something, I’ll admit as I read every entry they are starting to become jumbled, that’s why I write these reviews immediately after I read the piece. This was incorrect on my part, as Thomas was an unexpected occurrence and Amy's role was to be a scout. My deepest apologies, seriously this was my bad. - I think that Thomas and Amaranth’s shared scene was just confusing to me. It seemed forced, as the dialogue between the two and the fight that occurred felt clunky in an otherwise expertly written entry. So well done on this entry, and I can’t wait to read what you write next. [h3][b]Pyrodash888 – Touch the Sky[/b][/h3] - Favorite quote: "'It is done, Zina!', she breathlessly stated with a big smile on her face, then she sunk to the ground, her face tormented by a sudden inability to keep herself up." - A concept of writing that I hold dear is the idea that you must show your reader what is happening not tell them. I try to keep this in mind whenever I write, though I know I don’t succeed all the time. I think you could benefit a lot from keeping this in mind as there are certain elements of this story that could be masterful in its execution. - An example of this would be when Skyra is poisoned and she drops to her knees. She could’ve struggled against her body, not knowing why she couldn’t rise, attempt to step back up and falter. She has no reason to know she’s been poisoned, so make her struggle with it until she [i]realizes[/i] it. - A much grander scale than most entries, Skyra is fighting a revolution and it’s the kind of story I have a soft spot for, everyone loves a good revolution. - I thought the decision to have three different songs was a double edged sword for you. - My reading speed allowed me to reach about a minute and a half into the first song, 34 seconds into the second song and only 20 seconds into the final song. Thusly with the tonal shifts of this work I found it overall pretty jarring. - Hopefully you can take some of this feedback to heart and work to improve as a writer, as I hope everyone else in this contest does with my feedback. Congratulations on your first entry back in the RP! [h3][b]Abillioncats – Graduation[/b][/h3] - Favorite quote: “She could not let that happen, should would not let that happen. No one would die on her watch, not again. She’d failed to save her friends, she’d watched helplessly as the Grimm tore them to pieces. Never again…” - I didn’t think that this specific style of hunter death would be so popular, die in a battle and have one last sad monologue. I actually found myself getting emotional at your conclusion, you did a great job with saying what you wanted Emerald to say, and yet having her not know what to say. It felt pretty natural which is hard to do! - I love reading your entries because you’re improving noticeably with each one. - Now onto the music, I didn’t feel it fit with your entry personally. I’ll tell you why I found this. It’s a slow harmonic orchestral and operatic piece that is supposed to be supporting scenes in which Emerald is blasting away at Grimm with gattling guns and what have you. Nothing wrong with this in particular, but I found it could’ve used a bit finer tuning. - That being said, I really enjoyed this entry, you fully embraced the idea and motifs of a blood knight style ending and ran with them. That being said I would’ve loved a mention about the graduation once more towards the end, just a bit of playful irony but alas that’s just me. - Seriously, I’m really impressed at your continuing improvement so congrats you did well on this one! [h3][b]Crimmy – Untitled[/b][/h3] - The music is just the desert wind, I was actually immediately impressed by this choice. - Fully realized and accomplished the melancholia that you set out to instill. - This entry is very original in the sense that, it is painfully ironic for the reader, but only a slightly surprising find for the scavenger. - We only vaguely know how Gratia died, her name is never spoken nor heard, and the letter containing Napoli’s name. This vagueness of detail, whetting the appetite of the reader every couple words. Really, I’m impressed well done. - I found that character of the scavenger was well done, if not slightly dull. The musical accompaniment set the tone of the piece and you delivered fully on it, so congratulations on that. - I found myself wanting to know more, which I imagine is exactly what you were aiming for, what had happened to make her end up in Vacuo, obviously she is still young so this is close to the present, but is it in a year? Two? - Anyway, enough of my rambling congratulations on another successful entry, I was very impressed. [h3][b]Snow – Luke fucked up.[/b][/h3] [url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2pH0T8AzSic]S Rank![/url] Without further ado, our third place entries are thusly... Two people! A tie between the lovely [@Abillioncats] and [@Krayzikk], both of you did extremely well with somewhat similar entries. Both Ben and Emerald fighting back hordes of Grimm, with the key differences being a noble sacrifice on Emerald's part and an unlucky blow on Ben's. Both of you did extremely well, so congrats to you both! In second place, we've got... [@Prince of Seraphs]! I found nearly nothing wrong with your entry, and I was happily surprised at how well you rose to the challenge of the word limit. However, that being said I found the song you picked to be somewhat unoriginal and the ending somewhat predictable, in only the closest of measures would either of these two miniscule gripes really matter. However, the first place entry was just ahead by a small amount. Perfect choice for tonal accompaniment and a truly melancholic feeling that refused to leave it was... [@Crimmy]! I'll let Lug sort out any and all credit transactions, once again I hope you had fun entering this contest congratulations to all the winners and sub-winners! Hopefully I don't get slaughtered for my decision making though. Thanks for participating guys! [Hider=Final Report Card] [@Krayzikk] A- [@Guess Who] B- [@Forsythe] B+ [@Eklipse] C [@Prince of Seraphs] A [@Kaithas] A- [@Pyrodash888] C- [@Abillioncats] A- [@Crimmy] A[/hider] [hider=Secret winner]Yo Luke u win all creditz gg[/hider]