It was true. Rob was never late. 

He had been spending the time trying desperately to drain the idea of that last conversation out of his head, and he turned once again to something he never typically did.

He had drank almost all the alcohol out of the mini-fridge.

It had started with the beers. Simple enough. Rob typically enjoyed beer when he could, but he wasn’t a heavy drinker. Those days had long faded away from him. But, eventually, the beers ran out, and there had just been so many small bottle of liquor left in the back…

His mind faded to a memory he had of the past:

[i]

It as about his senior year in high school, and it was the only time he allowed himself to get absolutely fucked up. 

It was a prom afterparty, and both Rob and Jane were hosting. Their lives had been going so well at this point. The music was starting up now, and felt as if it was writing itself. Each night of the week would be spent at the others’ house. Smoking, watching films, passing out in the early hours of the morning, too tired to have changed out of their clothes. 

Normally on such a night Rob would the the smart one, and would help Jane when she had taken things too far. He doubted Jane would remember it, but it was she who had to help Rob out of the room, into the bathroom, where he had puked his guts out. My god, how it smelled…[/i]

Rob blinked a few times as he heard a faint honking out of his window. He got up, and felt not bad, but…really really good. Apart from the earlier incident, he could usually function just fine under the influence. And now, in the middle of a tour, he really, truly had to.

Rob essentially ran down the steps of the hotel, and hopped into the van quickly. 

“Lets do it,” he said, giving everyone a smile. A sweet, near-fuck-you smile. After what had happened earlier, it was time to play some music, to enjoy day, and to really, really enjoy the night. 

[hr]

After sound check, Rob watched as Sam nervously approached. He knew what he was going to say before he had even said it. 

“Are you drunk?” Sam asked quietly. Worriedly. 

“I may have had a few drinks—“ Rob got out, before doubling over in laughter. Sam nearly squirmed at the sight. “Yeah. I’m a bit drunk.”

“What the [i]fuck,[/i] Rob?” 

“Hey,” Rob said, defending himself, “when have I ever messed up a set? [i]Ever?[/i]”

“That’s not the point,” Sam said. “Look, me and Austin are trying to stay out of it, but—“

“Yeah yeah, I need to get myself together,” Rob mocked. “I need to stop. I need to fix things. Look, can I just have [i]one[/i] night to myself?”

“To do what, Rob?” Sam asked. His gaze appeared more and more stern as he talked, but Rob couldn’t help but think about how Sam was two years younger than him. In this moment, that fact was actually kind of hilarious. 

“I dunno. Drink? Sleep? Fuck? If she can do it, I can.” 

Rob smiled and tapped out a rhythm on his thighs as Sam stared incredulously. 

“Who are you, man?” Sam asked. He seemed more desperate than mad. “You act like a totally different fucking person every day. Sometimes more often than that.” 

“What can I say?” Rob shot back. “I’m the drummer. I’m supposed to sit back and hold everyone together while they fuck themselves up. God [i]fucking[/i] forbid I do it myself.”

“This is pointless,” Sam conceded as he walked off. 

[hr]

The next person Rob found was Anna, who was waiting where he had told her to, by the trailer. 

“I didn’t think you’d show,” she said. She let what was left in her cigarette fall from her fingertips and ground it out beneath her shoe. Rob gave her a smile and opened the trailer hitch, before taking her inside with all their stuff. 

“I told you I would,” he murmured before crashing his lips into hers. She didn’t protest, and even kissed back, for just a moment, before pulling away and licking her lips. 

“You’re drunk,” she said. 

“I’ve only got ten more minutes,” Rob said, pulling her close. “Are you sure you want to talk me being drunk, or—“

Before Rob could finish his sentence, Anna’s lips pressed into his, and their arms wrapped around each other. Before Rob could even ask, he felt Anna’s nimble fingers unbuckling his belt. 

[hr]

He was back on stage, anew, only moments before the show was set to begin. He felt Sam and Austin’s eyes burrow into his skin, pressing into to him, but he paid it no mind. He felt great, he was ready, and he was about to perform again. What more could he want? 

It was then he locked eyes with Jane, and everything stood still for a moment. 

Her gaze wasn’t easy to read. Between the commotion of today, the trip, the hotel, the load in…they hadn’t really had a moment to really…look at each other. Sure, they had talked, but…look at each other?

And for once, he just couldn’t understand what she was trying to tell him. But, if he really had to guess, it was probably disappointment. 

Perhaps it was no mistake that Rob had been with Anna. Perhaps it was no coincidence that the two looked so similar. 

[i]God, it all felt so freudian.[/i]

But as the stage lit up, and the band walked out, Rob did what Rob had always learned to do; he suppressed the thoughts. He sat down, counted the band off, played his heart out, and played well. The show felt as if it was a dream. A sequence of events Rob saw and reacted to but he wasn’t ever really a part of. Sure, he caught the occasional look from Sam and Austin, but suddenly, he couldn’t even read them anymore. It was as if he wasn’t even in the band. He was just filling in for another man. A better man. 

And as he looked up to Jane during the single, watching her sing the same words, build up and scream the bridge, look out to all the adoring fans…he realized it was as if everything he worked wasn’t for him anymore. 

It was for her. 

And so he kept moving forward, put on a smile, and waited for the whole thing to end. And, as it did, he quickly loaded up his equipment, texted Anna to meet him at the hotel, and waited in the van for the others.

“You guys did great,” Rob said, speaking truthfully, as they entered the van. “Damn good show.” 

The entire ride back, Rob stared ahead, earbuds in, and listened to whatever would come on. He couldn’t bear to look over to his left. 

Even if he couldn’t admit it to himself, a part of him had fallen in love with her over all those years. And because of his denial, all he ever could manage to do was push her away. 

And he hated himself for it.