As Jane watched him approach the van, she knew instantly. “He’s drunk,” she mumbled to Sam and Austin before he hopped in, and unleashed his sarcastic enthusiasm on everyone. Jane wanted to scream, but instead, she kept quiet and calm until they reached their destination. That didn’t keep her mind from wandering though; she caught her eyes drifting from the road in front of her to the rear view mirror, watching Rob listen to his music in solitude. Why was Rob so destroyed on the inside? If it wasn’t the single, if it really [i]was just him[/i], why couldn’t he talk to her about it? Why was she getting the brunt of his frustration? Another dark venue. Another crowd. Another long night ahead. Jane was having getting into the mindset to get on stage, desperately flipping through the songs on her phone to try to find something to fuel her, but nothing was working. She couldn’t even find the desire to [i]drink[/i] before her set – which had truly never happened before. But, she forced herself to down a few shots of tequila, and the warmth that they sent through her body gave her the chills. If she was honest with herself, she most likely had a problem. Not a drinking problem, a drug problem. Just a problem. Jane had difficulty doing the day to day without something to get her by, and her vices all took turns in keeping her numb enough to not deal with the issues of her heart and her mind. Some days, it was drugs. Weed, hallucinogens, select pills. Booze. Others, it was sex. And lastly, it was doing something risky. Sometimes Jane would bomb a hill on her longboard she knew she probably couldn’t handle, go out for a barreling wave in the ocean that she knew would consume her, or even stand on the ledges of rooftops she would sneak up on late at night when she couldn’t sleep. But contrary to what actions like this may describe about an individual, Jane didn’t have a death wish. Quite the opposite, actually. She wanted to live uninhibited by the restraints emotions and attachments placed on her. One exception to the rules, though, was when her and Rob would hang out. Not currently, unfortunately, but when they were in the depths of their friendship, Jane would almost forget about her emotional tug-of-war and was simply just able to be when they were together. Jane never felt the need to explain herself or try to be something she wasn’t. He made her feel like she was okay the way she was. Well, he did. Not anymore. And that was probably why Jane was so torn up with his recent actions. She was pining for his attention. His friendship. For him to fucking [i]talk[/i] to her like he used to. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jane’s eyes scanned the bar to find Rob’s face in the sea of patrons – she felt that after the long, silent car ride that she should try to talk to him – but she had no luck locating him. [i]”Maybe he’s outside.”[/i] After greeting a few fans, she pushed her way to the street and walked online the sidewalk when she spotted the van up ahead. And Rob. And a blonde. Who the hell was that? Jane ducked behind another van that was parallel parked a few spots down from theirs, and she focused her eyes on the girl Rob was speaking to. “The Vultures groupie?” she mumbled to herself in confusion as she watched the events unfold in front of her before they closed the trailer’s latch, keeping whatever happened between them, well, between them. The kiss that they shared – it didn’t seem like something spontaneous – but more like an action they had been waiting to do. What they expected to do one they met up. Jane’s stomach flipped. The alarm on her phone buzzed in her pocket, notifying her that it was time for sound check, and she nearly had to rip herself away from the view to go inside. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It was time, once again. The bright lights illuminated the stage, and Jane greeted the crowd. “Hey everyone,” she smiled as she gripped the microphone stand. “We’re In Bloom from Long Beach, California. Thanks for watching us.” In the brief moment before the song began, Jane turn to Rob and caught his gaze. Her eyes blinked slowly, trying to absorb the picture of him now to replace the one of him and Anna in her head. Him and Adrianna. Song one went well. Song two and three did too. “Whew,” Jane exclaimed into the mic. “You guys are awesome. But, can someone, uh, can someone get me a shot of tequila?” The crowd woo-ed in response, and not a minute later, a hand from the crowd poked out of the sea of dark, blurry faces with a shot glass. “Thank you!” she yelled as she shot it back. “I’ll give you a shirt or something.” Songs four, five and six, and of course, the single, were played smoothly. Although Jane’s voice sounded fine, her energy on stage wasn’t at max capacity. She moved around, interacted with the crowd, but something felt off. She wasn’t enjoying herself. “We’re In Bloom. Thank you, everyone!” The crowd cheered once more as they exited the stage. Jane searched for the quickest items she could grab and nearly ran out to the van so that she could sit for a minute. She hated giving a performance that wasn’t 100%. As Rob, Sam and Austin tumbled in the van, she lifted her head that she rested on the steering wheel and ignited the engine, nodding at Rob’s praise. She didn’t want to look at him, and by his demeanor, he didn’t want to look at her either. Great. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jane showered at the hotel for a good half hour, turning the water so hot that it nearly burned her. A painful yet pleasurable feeling. Part of her never wanted to leave, but as the water began to turn cold, she hit the faucet forcefully and groaned as she stepped out onto the white linoleum floor. After checking her phone, seeing she had five minutes until Austin was to arrive, she quickly dug through her bag to to get a pair of gray pajama pants and a black tee shirt, and as soon as she lifted it over her head, a knock sounded at the door. “Coming!” Austin set up his laptop and opened Netflix, and they both decided to watch Trainspotting for the hundredth time. One of Jane’s favorites. They smoked a couple joints as they sat on the bed together, and everything was okay for the moment, until tears began to well up in her eyes. He looked over, paused the movie immediately, and grabbed her head to pull it on his chest. That’s when she really began to cry. “Aw, J, come on, J,” Austin attempted to calm her as he ran his fingers (or [i]attempted[/i] to) through her wet hair. “J, what’s wrong?” She waited a few moments to answering him, taking deep breaths and keeping her eyes shut. “Austin, I’ve… I’ve been trying. I really have. I don’t wanna lose him. But…” she trailed off with an involuntary inhale as a result of her crying. “He’d rather fuck Vulture’s roadie than try to fix things with me. He can’t even tell me what’s going on.” Austin bit his tongue. He wanted to explain everything to her – every detail he had either heard straight from Rob, or picked up himself – but it wasn’t his place. Instead, he sighed and looked down to her on his check. “J. You’ve gotta talk to him. And I mean [i]talk[/i] to him. Don’t tell him off and run away. You gotta let him get it out, too.” Jane nodded silently to his suggestion. He was completely right. But, Jane always ran away for two reasons. 1. She couldn’t get hurt by the words he replied with. 2. She always wanted to see if he’d come after her. “I’d do some self-reflection, too, J,” he sighed. “Sam’s my best friend, and I don’t get jealous when he fucks someone else.” That made them both laugh, but as soon as the room fell silent again, Austin’s words hit her like a brick. He was right [i]again[/i], damn it. But what did it mean? Jane never really looked at Rob as anything other than her best friend. She found him attractive, of course, but that wasn’t necessarily something special, especially for someone like Jane. Is that why he was acting weird? Could he be feeling… [i]different?[/i] The movie eventually ended, and Austin and Jane said their goodbyes, closing the door behind him and locking the chain. She leaned against the door and stared at the empty hotel room in front of her. It was only 11:00pm according to the blinking clock on the dresser. Maybe Rob was still up. Maybe they could hang out like old days. Put all the weirdness behind them. Jane unlocked the bolt again and slipped out into the hallway, the gaudy carpet stretching on for miles in front of her. “504” she breathed, reminding herself of his room number, and when she arrived, she put her fist up to knock when she heard something. [i]Someone[/i]. Jane placed both of her hands flat on the cold, white door and pressed an ear to it. A woman’s voice. Then Rob’s. Then hers again. Jane was an idiot. He wasn’t treating her so strangely because he had feelings for her, she figured, but because he didn’t have them anymore. Her forehead pressed into the door for a minute, hands remaining at either side of her face, as the self-loathing kicked in, and after listening to the muffled voices, she lifted herself off the door and walked back to her room slowly. Well, what the hell was she going to do now? Eventually, after she had scribbled a note that said, “Not dead. On the roof.” and left it on her pillow just in case Austin or Sam came looking for her and to avoid any panic on their behalf, Jane made her way up to the roof of the hotel with a blanket and an extra pillow. Her ear buds playing [url=https://youtu.be/dcxzpvJjFjc]Glass Arm Shattering by Porcupine Tree[/url] softly as background noise; this song always gave her the chills. The city life was bustling below her, but up here was where she found had found the most peace in weeks. Maybe Jane wasn’t as prepared as the thought to hash things out with Rob. She spent these days so sure she was right about [i]everything[/i], now she wasn’t sure of [i]anything.[/i] Exhausted by the millions of thoughts trashing around in her head, she eventually drifted to sleep under the stars above her.