Rob’s eyes opened to a blurred and bright room. A figure sat next to him, nearly translucent from the lack of focus his eyes were giving him. Soon, everything cleared up, but the roaring in his head was not going to stop anytime soon.

He saw Jane as she tipped her body; her weight and warmth striking his chest. It was a feeling that he wasn’t sure how to describe; it was like the feeling of closure without any sense of the word. A glimpse of goodness wrapped in purgatory. So…oxymoronic. He closed his eyes and tried to sort out the most recent of mental floods, but he had been doing this all too often now. His feelings used to be a second-thought. A neglected part of his psyche that remained as such and he had hoped would always do so. He desired stability and reason, and once someone had come into his life, Rob had always thought it would come slowly and deliberately. Not like this. Not like a flood. 

Jane sat up on his bed; her legs folded up in front of her, her eyes upon her hands. At this angle, her blonde hair hung down past her face, and grazed upon his shirt. The strands obscured his vision of her, and for a moment, he almost felt a tingle of anger. His commentary ran against her words. The words she wanted to hear struck flat across him and faded like a whisper. Words like [i]funny. Smart. Attractive.[/i] Each in it’s own way felt like a red flag, signaling the deluge beyond them.

The words she croaked out like a sinful confession are the ones that had struck him the hardest.

[i]”You know that’s not me."[/i]

As she continued on, the rest of her dialogue faded into background noise. He heard them, and processed them, but he couldn’t seem to focus past the admission of rejection. Whereas Jane worked in the real world, Rob’s mind worked in binary. True. False. Agree. Disagree. Yes.

[i]No.[/i]

It was a truth he knew was coming but also knew he hadn’t been prepared for. Certainly not now. Jane’s forward attitude, her coming to his side so soon…they were all actions taken to Rob’s benefit, not hers. This moment. Her silence. Her willingness to listen. These were things she had done for him. Her actions outweighed her words, and her honestly all compelled Rob to feel some sympathy for his best friend. 

He wished he could change what had happened between them. He wished it was something possible for him. Most of all, he cursed himself for having caused the issue in the first place, and he cursed himself for feeling so shitty in this moment. 

“Thanks,” he said, taking a puff of the joint. He left the word sit in the open air, to be interpreted as she liked. 

He took in a deep, loud, breath. “What have I gotten us into,” he said with a laugh. He tried so desperately to lighten the mood, but maybe that was the wrong path to take. How hypocritical is was of him to want an out now, after all the misery he had caused himself and Jane for desiring her to do something against her nature. But, it was time for her to hear the truth as well.

“You can’t protect me, Jane,” he said. Her full name felt wrong to his mouth but right in his own mind. He was glad that it was said. “Not from my feelings or from you. Not any more than I could protect myself. I’m not—nor would I ever—ask that of you.”

As Jane acted against her own nature, Rob acted against his. He took her hand, and held it. The soft skin felt so different from his calloused hands. Softer and slender. It was an action he could not remember doing before, but he pressed on. 

“I don’t know how long I’ve felt this way. But it wasn’t something I ever wanted to admit because I didn’t want to mess things up either. But I did, and I guess that’s just something I’ll have to live with.”

He looked her in the eyes. “I don’t know what I want. I thought I wanted one thing but…I can’t control this way I’m feeling. I’ve never trusted anything I felt until now. And for some reason, it just feels [i]right.[/i]”

After a moment, he laughed at himself, but he wasn’t sure what for. “That wasn’t so bad, was it?” He looked to Jane and smiled.

Not everything was right, but certainly, things were beginning to improve.