Jane popped up abruptly at Rob’s suspicion. He had been sitting at her feet, but now she was cross-legged and facing him with an intent look in her eyes. “No, no, no” she shook her head. “That’s what they [i]want[/i] you to think. That’s her boyfriend who’s trying to do the right thing. He’s just emotionally distraught.” Her finger aimed at a character in the background. “I think that’s the murderer. He’s the one she’s leaning on while her boyfriend’s acting all weird, but you can tell he’s keeping a secret. He gets nervous every time she brings up her sister getting killed.” Jane paused and scoffed at herself. “Listen to me. This is why I don’t watch TV.” Her eyes darted back to Rob, curled up in his blanket similar to how she was, and this caused a smile to tug at her lips. The same selfishness that she hated herself for was the same emotion begging for her body to lay down on him. She reached for her cup of water on the coffee table, as if to delay the inevitable, but her lack of self-control would always win; it was a truth she accepted long ago. She grabbed her pillow and placed in on Rob’s lap before shifting into a fetal position, her feet tucked into the arm of the couch and the blanket swaddling her. The change in position was one that filled her with a complete sensation of warmth and safety, yet also one of self-loathing. Of disappointment in herself. Her intentions weren’t to drag this out, to keep him waiting, but to soak up every moment with him before things had the possibility of taking a turn for the worst. Before he hated her for not being honest. Before he got sick of her bullshit. Before he got his heart broken by her. [i]”I’m gonna tell him. Tonight.”[/i] Although these thoughts caused her focus to drift from the movie, she didn’t have time to dwell on them too long before falling asleep in his lap. The comfort her provided her reminded her of the Xanax she took recently – it had a way of helping her forget about the bigger problems at hand, and also lulled her to sleep, like child being held by their mother. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It was as if burning guilt was what woke Jane up from her deep sleep. Her mind gave her no time to adjust to her surrounding before hitting her with the overwhelming sensation of how wrong she was going about the situation with Rob. [i]”It’s okay, Jane. You’re gonna tell him. Tonight, you’re gonna tell him.”[/i] Yes, tonight. She would be on the high she got from performing, mixed with the buzz from whatever she decided to partake in beforehand, which would give her a false sense of a boost of confidence. A failsafe if things go wrong. Jane wasn’t sure if she was mentally prepared to be rejected by him if he was already over it. She knew that he couldn’t have lost feelings for her this quickly, but he could have finally realized what she said was true. That Jane was a noncommittal, selfish asshole that will most likely never settle down or make him the happiest he could be. Rob’s hand rested on the small of her waist, and another tangled in her hair, as if he’d been rubbing her head. She groaned quietly at both the fact of how good his hands felt on her, and the fact that’d she would have to get up. Her eyes squinted to read the time on the stove in the kitchen. 6:21 PM. She had slept for nearly 5 hours in that position. “Shit,” she whispered as she rubbed her eyes and lifted up slowly. After showering quickly, she moved through the hotel room quietly as she got dressed in a white camisole tucked into ripped, black skinny jeans. Her door clicked shut quietly before she put on [url=https://youtu.be/NzjzBsgZH2w]Somebody Else by The 1975[/url] and began to pack up her things with her spare time. Jane sang along quietly and danced around the room as she threw her belongings in a duffle bag opened wide on the bed. Tomorrow, they had a two hour drive to Philedelphia to play a 2:00 PM set at an all-day festival, then they were immediately leaving on an almost seven hour drive for a set at 10:00pm in Cleveland. At the realization, Jane began to second-guess if telling Rob how she felt tonight was a mistake. A total of nine-hours in the van tomorrow after admitting her feelings could be either agonizing or completely fine depending on Rob’s reaction to it all. [i]”Maybe I shouldn’t…[/i] “Rob,” Jane whispered as she lightly patted his check. “Hey, we’re outta here in half an hour.” She stood up straight again, waiting for him to wake up. “Sorry for crashing on you for five hours.” She smiled as an attempt to lighten the mood before he could be upset with her for her actions. Her greed. She retreated to the kitchen to grab a beer and slipped out onto the patio for a cigarette. New York had been interesting, but she made peace with the fact that it was time to leave. Watching thousands of people roaming the street below made her feel insignificant, but it didn’t sadden her. If anything, it made her feel a bit better. Like none of this mattered. “You ready?” Jane said softly to Rob as she reentered the room. She scooped up her pack of cigarettes and phone from the coffee table and threw them her in bag before looking back up to him. A brief moment of eye contact was held – her hazel eyes to his dark ones – and instead of awkwardly looking away like her nerves begged her to, she smiled faintly. “Let’s go.” -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ground Control was packed with patrons when the band arrived. Three other bands were scheduled to play before In Bloom, and one was scheduled to play after them. Jane had drank a few beers by the time Mia approached her. “You’re investing more money in the band than I have,” Jane laughed as she hugged her. “I had to come see you on your last night here,” Mia admitted as she took a seat next to Jane. “So, have you done it yet?” “No,” she sighed. “Probably tonight.” “Good,” Mia rubbed her shoulder. “You’ll feel better either way.” Sound check went smoothly, and Jane interacted with some of crowd as she sat down at the front of the stage with a cigarette. She felt more nervous than usual; a ball of anxiety was sitting in her chest. Two songs in, Jane had to stop for a moment. “Alright, alright. Give me a second.” She hopped down the front of the stage, weaved her way to the bar and back, and climbed back up on the stage with a shot glass of Jameson in her hand. “Ahh,” she sighed after shooting it back. “Much better.” After the set ended, Jane nearly ran out the back door of the venue. She leaned against the cool, brick wall the building was made of and took a few deep breaths before lighting a cigarette. The urge to vomit came and went. “Fuck,” she whispered to herself as her mind replayed what-if scenarios over and over again. “Stop being a pussy.” Her hand wiped the sweat of her forehead as she closed her eyes to get ahold of herself. She hated emotions. [i]Feelings.[/i] Talking about emotions and feelings. Talking about [i]her[/i] emotions and feelings, especially. If Jane could glide through life without ever having to talk about how she felt – which is normally how it worked out – she would. Her head leaned against the brick wall as she ignited another cigarette and blew the smoke above her head. She had calmed her breathing down enough to seem fine enough to those passing by. She said a few "hellos" and "thank yous" to the groups of people who complimented her. [i]"See? You're fine."[/i]