[i]”I’ve gotta find somewhere to do some laundry. You should come with.”[/i]

Just a few short minutes after that phrase, Rob was loading the last of Jane’s clothes into a dark car. Turned out, the nearest laundromat had been two miles away, and something about the prospect of dragging her (and his) laundry that far on foot seemed pointless. Ahead of him, Jane had already climbed into the Uber he had called, and seemed to look back at him through the mirror. 

Being with Jane was almost like the mountains.

Back at home, Rob would usually travel with a few friends to Mount Baldy, just off to the north of downtown. The massive sprawling mass of land had a few trees, yes, but the truth of the matter was that it had been called Mount Baldy for a very good reason. It took several hours to climb to the summit, but once you did? It was pure ecstasy. And it was a feeling that never wore off, either. Seeing the fruit of your labor, looking off to the surrounding city, to the sea in the greater distance, covered by the haze of the clouds and smog above the city…it was an experience that couldn’t grow old. Up there, everything seemed right where it belonged.

With Jane, things had felt a similar way. They were at the footsteps of a greater mountain; a pathway ahead that let somewhere that they did not know. And he had walked his path with her before, but…definitely not like this. Now, it was like they had traded their own securities for something even better. And no matter how hard he tried not to think about it—to idealize a relationship that had just begun…he couldn’t help it. Jane was somebody he had known for too long. This wasn’t a person whom he had met with the intentions of a relationship. Far from it.

And yet here they were. 

He zoned out looking to the swirling clothes in front of him. The noises and people around him ceased to exist. In his mind, all he could focus on was the thought of the future. What it would hold. Where that path would lead.

His train of thought derailed as Jane pulled him closer to her—a startling but welcome interruption. From Jane he expected such physicality. She was like that. A person that conveyed emotion the same way she seemed to receive it. Instinctually and physically. 

But she seemed much different than before. She tried so hard (most likely for Rob) to discuss something they had left behind. 

[i]”I’ve been having fun with you. A lot of fun with you. I don’t want anything to change”[/i]

It was unlike her to be direct with him like this, let alone now. In a laundromat, of all places. To discuss what felt less like comforting boundaries and more like terms and conditions. For once, Rob felt a part of him want to avoid this discussion. That same part of him that had avoided it within himself. 

Because…how long could they have truly lasted without discussing it? The physicality of their relationship could only take them so far. Soon enough, someone was going to be hurt if the other had a different idea of what the relationship was than the other person. It was relationships 101. 

So why did it feel so wrong to hear her address it like this? If anything, he should’ve been elated to hear her talk about what they were. Here she was, putting herself out there, as best she could, in the way she could, and he wanted to avoid it? He felt so terrible for the thought, but couldn’t deny it was the way he felt. 

[i]"This high won’t last forever.”[/i]

The words she said cut straight through him. It was just five simple words, but they represented a greater fear. The greatest fear. The thought he had tried to ignore for so long. The very reason he had waited so long to tell her about who he felt that night on the rooftop. 

Relationships are binary. They result in two, very simple outcomes. And if he really allowed himself to think about it, telling her how he felt, her reciprocating his feelings…this relationship, whatever the fuck it was? Ran a 50/50 shot of resulting in pain for the both of them. Communication breakdown. A painful, sweltering break-up. 

Establishing the rules of engagement was surely a hint to it, but acknowledging the initial high of what they were experiencing? It was a pretty big fucking reminder. No matter how hard he wanted to live in the moment, to experience things as they come, to not think about the future and live in this “now,” he couldn’t deny that initial analytic instinct within him. The thought process of each action and reaction. The thousands of unanswerable questions. [i]Will she get tired of me? Will I get tired of her?[/i] 

And he couldn’t ignore it anymore. Jane wanted an answer from him, and he wasn’t about to deny that to her. But…for all his useless thoughts and feelings, he didn’t have a thing resembling even the slightest of coherent answers. 

Her fingertips sent electric tingles of energy though his head as they weaved through his hair. He tried to ignore how much he loved the feeling as she answered her. 

“Honestly, J,” he started, managing a smile, “I don’t know. It’s only been a few days since…”

He let his voice fade into the endless roar of the machines surrounding them. 

“I guess I’d like a sense of exclusivity, obviously,” he lightly through out there, hoping the point was as truly obvious as he thought it was. “But I really don’t have all the answers and I haven’t figured out [i]exactly[/i] what I want. That being said…I’ve never wanted to not fuck something up so badly. I mean that.” 

It truly hurt him to admit that last part. Call it society, masculinity, or simply daddy issues, but being so vulnerable enough to admit how much he had loved what had been happening, how much it have taken a load off of the thousands of other issues in his life? It felt like laying himself down at her feet. 

But maybe that’s what needed to be done. 

“I’ll tell you what,” he started up again, “We’ll agree to be honest with each other. No matter what that means. No bullshit.”

Rob reached around to the back of his head, grasping Jane’s fingers, intertwining them with his. “I guess that’s what I want.”