[quote=@Shylarah]Term, in your case I'm particularly interested in learning what came across as insincere in my piece, and how I might improve.[/quote]

Let's take a look at one of the lines in your story, to help illustrate why I thought that.

[quote=Paragraph Eight]To my surprise, they do nothing.  “I warned you, I would be ready.  This won’t work.”  The three fighters making to put the character down find their weapons meeting with no resistance, and then look around in obvious confusion.  They’re background characters, only there to add to the scenery, so they’re not too smart, but even they can’t possibly miss the person standing there with a mildly amused smile.  I examine the scene more closely, and discover that a faint shimmer now covers the shadowy and shifting form.  [u][b]“Hey, that’s not allowed! Standard characters don’t get access to plot ninja functions!”[/b][/u] I exclaim, angry both at my failure and the violation of the laws of the page.  Going unseen and unnoticed in active scenes isn’t something I let any old character do.[/quote]

The indicated exclamation is rather...nonsensical. Juvenile, even. The sort of statement uttered in a childrens' book by a particularly dimwitted criminal, hypocritically angry with the rascally kids for getting the better of them. Which is to say, in a reasonable expectation of an encounter between you and this character, my opinion of your intelligence is too high to accommodate for you ever saying that. Or anything like it. There is no [i]reason[/i] for you to say it, because it is not the sort of thing any normal person would ever exclaim...

...Unless they knew they had an audience. In the more abstract mental battlefield, you would never say anything like that. You would just get angry and move on in silence. Hence, the setup feels more like a staged performance. Scripted, even. I will readily accept that the story may be [i]based on or inspired by[/i] an event that actually took place if you say so, but the way you dressed it up nonetheless gives me doubt.

As for improving - ask yourself 'why' more frequently. If there is no clear or logical reason for the inclusion of a particular aspect of the story, either take a moment to remark upon that lack, or else consider removing it. Then compare with how you suspect you yourself might behave in a similar situation - or else compare to how you have behaved in the past.

I get that mental abstractions are not always straightforward and reasonable. That said, they rarely take the form of Saturday Morning Cartoons.

If that makes any sense.