[quote=@DarkwolfX37]
Critique me harshly. 
[hider=My Hider]
A young human found himself walking through the slums of Millennial City alone. Normally he would avoid such places, or be with his partner Zee, but today's circumstances decided otherwise. The machine shop he needed was here, and angels were rarely around due to somewhat higher influence of demons. Besides, today was Zee and his monthly day away from each other. Having just finished with his errand, Kain thought back to the day before as he walked.

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One spirit and one human were at a table in the alley of their home. An angel stood before them, a sword in hand and malevolence in his eyes. His white wings served as a beautiful backdrop to the menacing expression he wore. Kain and Zadkiel, known to Kain as "Zee," stood facing each other, ignoring this threat as they conversed. 

"[color=8882be]I'll handle this one. You focus on taking your turn.[/color]" Zadkiel said.

"[color=6ecff6]No way. I've been needing actual combat to make sure I've really mastered my new technique. I'll fight him.[/color]"

"[color=8882be]No, [i]I'll[/i] fight him.[/color]"

This back and forth quickly devolved to bickering and name calling, slowly turning the angel's motivation from completing his righteous mission into simple anger. 

"Enough!" he called, finally at his limit. "I [i]will[/i] retrieve the mantle of the holy Zadkiel, regardless of whether I must kill you both or just it's holder! Prepare yourselves!"

Zadkiel began to step forward but was cut off by Kain throwing a knife, Zadkiel's soulshard, at the angel. It flew past, missing it's target, and the angel began to laugh. That is, he [i]began[/i] to laugh. This was quickly cut off as Kain teleported to the soulshard, still in mid-flight, and grabbed it just as it began to leave the range of his reach, immediately using it to cut into the back of the angel's neck. 

"[color=6ecff6]Yes! Perfect execution, [i]and[/i] perfect execution![/color]" Kain exclaimed as the angel fell to the ground. "[color=6ecff6]Too bad that he didn't move, I might as well have been practicing on a target.[/color]" He sat back down at the table and viewed the chessboard. "[color=6ecff6]Damn. I can't see a way out of this. I think you win.[/color]

"[color=8882be]You know, for someone who wants to know everything, you sure pass up a lot of chances to learn things. Now we don't know if he was working on his own or if there are others after us.[/color]" Zadkiel began to reset the board. Soon the spirit and human began to play again. 

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[/hider]
[/quote]

Possessive "its" has no apostrophe. You added a comma where there should be a semicolon after "move." The tone is fine, but it doesn't match your style.