[hider=But Here It Was] Hey! You wrote a stand-alone story that's not directly tied to the contest topic. I approve. Not that I didn't like your works that worked directly within the parameters in a clever fashion, but I definitely prefer your stories that can breathe outside of it. As always, the imagination is here. To me, I typically feel (personal view) that you improve each time out. This should probably happen on reading and writing again and again and again and again (AND AGAIN UNTIL YOUR FINGERS BLEED)! Lol. Okay, maybe a bit extreme but you get the point. You started off strong. Dropped us into the world, it didn't feel as you overly assaulted us with descriptive language. I wouldn't mind if you did because I like to do that. Felt more or less a good balance, we didn't dwell on it too much and forget that a story is about to be happening. Dead world, then we got the smoke that ultimately brought life back to the planet. Life returns, the original species has a second chance and the humans leave. We have life reborn from the death of a planet. A new hope if you will. All good things. Onto the cons. The strength of the beginning fizzled out from the middle towards the ending. For me, at least. First, a thing about showing vs telling in the beginning. You said 'the city was entirely deserted' after you said there was no soul to be seen. Then, you said it was a 'rather bleak place, indeed'. We already got those two things from previous descriptions. Those bits felt like repetition that was unneeded, and it was also told. We already see that with the death and barren nature of the ruinous planet. Also, with the greens and blues, I was cool with that. But, there was a three line paragraph that used the word blue three times. A single word in close proximity can be jarring and irritating to a reader. Try to find a different way to get the point across, perhaps there was something else we could focus on. Think metaphors, or whatever you choose that fits. It was important that the sky was becoming blue again, but I feel like we missed out on a better way to express it. My one big con is the lack of conflict. Dead world, things come to life, species returns, humans leave. Done. Happy ending, at least, maybe a happy ending depending on what the superiors think of those aliens returning from the supposed dead. It was too easy for me. I felt cheated out of a victory. In any story, I usually feel like I can pinpoint a conflict. With this lack of one, it didn't have the effect I would have desired. We should all feel rejuvenated, but I didn't. I felt like I achieved something through a loophole, and didn't harvest the fruits of my labor. That's just me. I did enjoy where you were going with this and your imaginative worlds are enjoyable for me to spend some time in. Conflict, improved dialogue which would benefit from building your characters a bit more, and minor stylistic changes. I did enjoy reading this, and I will continue to read your entries happily! [/hider] [hider=Season Saga] I have the same problem here as I did with the above story. Lack of conflict. Get to that in a moment. Some stylistic questions first. The quotation marks over "kids" can be justified because we can probably assume they are not as young as kids, and probably no longer kids. Around "husband", however... It feels strange, it reads strange, and I don't understand it. I'd wonder why you put it there. What was the reasoning? As of now, I can't see any reason for it and it draws my attention as though it's meant to be focused on and dissected. However, I don't really know what I should be dissecting. This all seems rather straight forward, and drawing my attention to that drags me away from the other important things within this piece. I feel other readers may feel the same. What this is, is a portrayal of family life in the winter. Inside, away from the cold, sharing hot cocoa. It's a nice feeling, it's warm. I like that. But, lack of conflict. Didn't get a sense of it, didn't feel like I read anything that came to a conclusion. Cliffhangers are cool, depending the context. This just, faded out. Just another day with the family. No resolution, it just was and because it simply existed it didn't feel meaningful as this should be. This is just me speaking, others may disagree. I feel like you need some string of conflict floating throughout in any story. You have the talent, fixing a few structure, stylistic choices, and grammatical issues... And you've got something real good. If you can capture that sense of family life, people will stick around to read. Thanks for entering the contest, and I hope you keep coming on in. [/hider] [hider=Rising Embers] I like reading your poetry. Always tends to be a little bit more than meets the eye at a first glance. I can see how people could see this as a seasonal poem, and could pass off as one as well. But, the title of Rising Embers is more than fitting. Sentinel was a rather wonderful choice of wording. Standing tall, these trees, they are the guardians of these forests at their posts. Watching over the life of the planet. The wolf being the fire that devours the green and the wood, I love that. You also fit within the scheme of the topic with ease here. A child being the seed of the tree, lost in the destruction and finding a home under the dirt to grow again. Life after death, indeed. Your metaphors and imagery are subtle and understated, but very effective. No real rhyme, meter, etc., but I don't care too much about that unless you're intending to go for that. I quite like free verse (when it's well done), and I write it frequently myself. 'They Soon Meet' was out of place. It was. Compared to your other language it was unremarkable and didn't do anything to add to the poem, it simply acted as a throw in to get into the next stanza. Target those, eliminate them, and change them. Otherwise, this was very good, and deserves recognition as being one of the better entries this contest. [/hider] More to come.