Jane had awoken in a hazy state at some point during the night, and bits and pieces of the performance began to flood her memory, causing her to groan. It was an idiotic way of coping with emotions, but she was all too familiar with it – running to booze or drugs to mask any pain she might be feeling. To make matters worse, she didn’t even [i]understand[/i] the pain she was feeling. The arrangement that her and Rob made was very clear. Andy kissed her. Why would she be upset that Rob was hanging out with Zoe?

It was either the confusion or the beginning stages of a hangover, but her head began to throb as she laid in silence. Her hand reached up to the curtain that sectioned her bunk off from the rest of the van, and after tugging on it, she saw that both Sam and Austin’s curtains across from her were also closed. A signal that she would be able to climb down without being seen. She sighed as she mentally encouraged herself to get up, although feeling extremely sluggish, and in a swift motion, she descended from her bunk and crawled into Rob’s, closing the curtain behind her.

He was deep in sleep, seemingly unaware of her presence, and Jane gently maneuvered herself into the “little spoon” position, pulling his arm around her and the blanket up over them.  Any sense of guilt or regret was instantly replaced with the warm euphoria of his much larger frame engulfing hers, a reminder of the multiple times they had slept this way together before they knew each other’s true feelings. 

Jane had mixed feelings about those days. In a way, they were much simpler than the present – no constant navigation around the other’s feelings, no unspoken resentment or mixed signals. But Jane knew now that she couldn’t give up being intimate with Rob, and that included more than just physically. He was so many things that she wasn’t: responsible, logical, thoughtful… His presence alone brought such a balance to Jane’s energy that she hadn’t known she needed. And for once, in both a completely selfless and selfish way, [i]she[/i] wanted to be the one he ran to when he was upset. Not Zoe. [i]She[/i] wanted to be the only one to take care of him, emotionally and physically. She wanted to be enough for him.

But, Jane was still unsure that she could be that for him. And, to be frank, it fucking sucked.

It also sucked that the one person that she would hook up with was becoming less and less appealing as her attraction to Rob grew. It wasn’t that Andy had changed. He was great, and Jane was truly appreciative of him and the friend he had been to her. But, if she had to be completely honest, the thought of being with [i]anyone[/i] but Rob was becoming drastically unsatisfying. That was 

Jane’s racing mind eventually slowed down as she succumbed to the comfort she was feeling in the small bunk, and her eyes began to flutter shut before she fell back into a deep sleep.
[center]*****[/center]

The body behind Jane began to a stir a bit, causing her to wake up once again, but this time, she felt much better. She worked to turn her body around to face him, and after settling in a comfortable position, she lightly began to kiss his chest and collarbones. “I’m sorry,” she began, whispering words between kisses, “about last night… I got… way too fucked up… I won’t let it… happen again.” 

Jane pulled on his shoulder to scoot herself up a bit, then moved her attention to his neck and ear. “I just had… a weird night…” Her fingers ran through his hair softly, letting her nails graze lightly against his scalp. She founder her conscious begging for her to tell Rob the truth: that the whole casual thing was becoming something she didn’t want, and that she would rather just be with him and work out the bullshit. And that with each passing day, she was falling in love with him more and more. 

But Jane decided against it, and instead, she continued to kiss him, now scratching his back slowly. [i]”Maybe I should say something,”[/i] she thought to herself.  But was it worth ruining what they had? 

Maybe.

“Rob… I have to – “

“Jesus Christ, Jane, its 7:15,” a familiar voice groaned from the bunk across from them. 

Jane winced as she whispered back “Sorry, Aust.” Her eyes flicked up to Rob and smiled faintly. “We’ll finish this later, yeah?” She pressed a kiss into his chest and forced herself up to a sitting position, peering out of the curtain to make sure that Austin’s and Sam’s were still closed, and after scooping her clothes up off the floor, she quickly shimmied the long shirt over her body that hit about mid-thigh and dug a cigarette out of her purse. As she exited their part of the van, she nearly ran into the Lyla who had just been getting up.

“Smoke?” Jane whispered as she held her cigarette.

Lyla nodded and followed her outside to the front of the van. 

The morning was crisp, barely illuminated by the white, overcast clouds covering the rising sun. Jane glanced over to Vicarious’ bus parked about 30 feet away, which showed no sign of life yet. 

“Hey,” Jane’s raspy voice broke the silence as it struggle to produce a sound any louder than a whisper, “I swear not all nights are like last night. That was probably my worst set to date.” She cleared her throat then took a drag of the cigarette. 

“I know,” Lyla replied, her voice the opposite of Jane’s – smooth and feminine. “I’ve seen videos of your sets before. Cameron’s a big fan.”

Jane scoffed. “Yeah, I’ve gotten the hint.” She smiled faintly at Lyla. “I usually try not to get that high before a show. I was just, I don’t know.”

“I saw you,” Lyla paused to take a drag, “when you were heading towards the busses. You saw Rob and looked like you were gonna have a break down right there on the sidewalk.” 

Jane rubbed the bridge of her nose and sighed. “Yeah. I don’t know, man. I’m usually not the jealous type. Like, really, [i]really[/i] not. But, knowing that they’re probably gonna hook up eventually just irks me.”

“I get it,” Lyla put a hand on Jane’s shoulder. “You don’t want to be casual anymore?”

Jane scratched the back of her neck. “I honestly have no clue anymore. I never thought I was built for monogamy, but now he’s the only person I wanna be with. And I wanna be the only one [i]he[/i] wants to be with.” 

Lyla flicked her cigarette and crossed her arms. “You’re in love.”

“Jesus,” Jane whispered with a smirk on her face. “Enough with this shit. What about you, huh? You have a boyfriend at home?”

“Yeah,” Lyla smiled. “Joey. A sweet guy. A little boring, but he’s a good guy. Takes care of me.” 

Although Jane nodded in agreement, she could never understand the mentality of girls like Lyla in relationships like that. Why would you want to be in a relationship that doesn’t excite you? Where there’s no passion, but just functionality?  Many people could function together, but it takes a special person to light another on fire.

And that’s how she felt about Rob. Yeah, things may get a little weird between them, but never once did Jane feel bored or sick of him. Even when they were just friends, she couldn’t stand being away from him for more than a few days. Now she didn’t want to be away from him for a few hours since they had took their chemistry to the next level. It was almost sickening. 

“Well, good for you,” Jane said as she forced a smile.

[center]*****[/center]

Jane wasn’t even sure what city they had driven to over the course of the evening and definitely didn’t want to go exploring alone, so she laid on the couch quietly and lit up one of the joints she had bought from Hendrick. A figure in her peripheral vision caught her eye, and she looked up to see Aaron groggily walking out towards the common area. 

“Mornin’,” Jane smiled as he passed her. After a few polite words, Jane nuzzled herself back into the couch and worked her earbuds in, choosing [url=https://youtu.be/oLFHj83WOKU]Bodies by The Duke Spirit[/url] to listen to as she shut her eyes. 

She knew she had to ride this out, at least for now. Maybe Rob wouldn’t be happy with it either. Perhaps he’d decide that he didn’t want things to be ‘casual,’ and that his feelings for Zoe were misguided. 

Maybe Jane just needed to hook up with Andy and get it over it. Maybe that would change her mind.  

She groaned at her thoughts and turned up the volume on her phone to drown them out. All she wanted was Rob… all the time. And it was becoming a problem.