Jane shifted uncomfortably as she waited for Zoe’s response to her rambling. She thought Rob was hard to read, but Zoe was on a completely different level; her expression barely changed the entire time that Jane spoke, and her ability to hold eye contact during an awkward situation like this made her feel like the weaker of the two. And Jane didn’t like that. As the one technically dating Rob, she felt as though she should have had the upper hand in the situation, but Zoe’s unwavering stone-cold demeanor alone already made Jane worried. “Well,” Zoe began in a voice lower than Jane’s, making her realize that she hadn’t really even heard her voice before, “I guess I can appreciate the offer to settle things. I’ll admit, I’m not thrilled at the way things are between everyone – the tension, I mean.” Jane nodded as she took a sip of her beer. Her mind kept begging her to blurt things out, what she was truly feeling about Rob and Zoe spending so much time together, but she managed to keep her cool. “I’ve only heard things here and there from the guys, but I know you and Andy have been hooking up, and I just wanted to put it out there that I don’t give a fuck. I got over him a [i]long[/i] time ago.” Zoe paused as she, too, took a sip of her drink. “As you probably know, Andy and I were in the same boat as you and Rob. Thought if we kept it casual, no one would get hurt and we could have our fun. I was wrong.” Jane cocked her head to the side. “What happened? I mean, I know you guys ended things, but Andy hasn’t really gone into detail.” “I couldn’t handle him being with other women, even though I knew it was nothing emotional.” “Oh,” Jane replied quietly. “I get that.” She was sympathizing, but honestly, what they did together was the least of her worries. She was much more concerned with the possibility of – “Hanging out with Rob has really made it apparent of how awful Andy and I were together.” “Uh huh,” Jane’s voice squeaked, still showing signs of damage from the night before, but she was sure that her reluctance to continue the conversation wasn’t helping. “I haven’t clicked with someone like this in a really long time.” Jane’s eyes burned a hole in the table as Zoe spoke, not daring to try to meet her stare. Her heart beat began to grow louder and louder in her ears as she listened to Zoe speak, and as nonchalantly as she could, she began to take deeper breaths in an attempt to manage the emotions that were beginning to bubble up inside of her. How she described her and Rob’s budding relationship didn’t sound at all to Jane like what she had signed up for. It seemed deeper than that. “And, maybe I’m crazy. Maybe Rob’s just that easy to get along with. But, it’s a refreshing change of pace to hang out with someone who is such an open book.” [i]”But he’s not. Not with me.”[/i] “Y-yeah,” Jane stuttered as she scratched her head, stilling having yet to look up at Zoe. She definitely couldn’t now; she wasn’t sure if she was about to cry or scream, but it was definitely one of the two. In a panic, Jane pulled out her phone and pretended to be surprised when she looked at the time. “Oh, shit. I completely forgot about an interview Harold scheduled. I-I’m sorry.” Jane abruptly stood up and dug around her over-stuffed bag until she found her credit card. “Here,” Jane handed it to Zoe. “Just, uh, give it to Rob when you get back. Feel free to use it for the cab, too.” The food arrived at that moment, and she sighed in frustration. “You can bring it back to the guys if you want. I gotta go.” She waved and nearly dashed out of the restaurant onto the busy downtown sidewalk, where pedestrians moseyed each direction around her. The panic was also causing a sense of claustrophobia, so as soon as her eyes landed on an alleyway, she shuffled her way through the crowd and stumbled into it, puking as soon as she was about ten feet in. Her nerves hadn’t produced such a reaction since their early days on the tour, but it wasn’t uncommon for Jane. Her mom always said it was her bottling things in that made her puke, but she had always dismissed it as nonsense, but now more than ever, the things her mom told her seemed to make more sense as an adult. [i]”Oh, Janey,” her mother’s gruff voice sounded as she stroked the top of Jane’s head. “You’re gonna fall in love one day.” Nineteen year old Jane shook her head and laughed at the thought as her and her mother sat on the couch, passing a bottle of vodka back and forth. “I don’t think so. I barely get crushes on anyone. Plus, who would wanna fall in love with someone like me, huh? I can barely commit to the plans I make on the weekend.” “You’re young,” her mother smiled. “There’s someone out there for everyone. Even someone crazy like you.” “Yeah?” Jane nudged her arm. “Like who? And don’t you dare say Sheila’s son. He’s a fuckin’ creep.” “What about Rob?” Her mother looked over at her. “The tall one you’re always with.” “Ew, mom, no,” Jane shook her head. “He’s my best friend. That’d be weird.” “Well, whoever it is, it’s going to happen.” Her mom smirked as she turned her attention back to the television. “You’ll fall madly, deeply in love with someone and wanna put all this partying bullshit behind you. You’ll start to care about what you say and what you do. You’ll wanna be a better person.” “Whatever you say, mom.” [/i] And here she was, puking in an alley mid-day in Kiev because another girl said, in so many words, that she was developing feelings for Rob. Which, in Jane’s mind, meant that he was probably developing them as well. “Fuck,” Jane mumbled as she spit and wiped her mouth with her sleeve. How was this going to pan out? Jane knew she had ignored the fact that when Rob was physically intimate with someone, it was never completely meaningless. But, maybe in just her fantasies, she imagined Rob never letting it get that far. That he would stop something like that in its tracks before it grew into anything problematic. Perhaps it wasn’t [i]that[/i] problematic. No. Jane had grown much too self-conscious over the course of the tour to not be concerned by Zoe’s words. The same thoughts that had plagued her when Rob first confessed his feelings to her began to flood her memory once again. [i]”You’re too wild. Too promiscuous. The party animal. Rob wouldn’t want to end up with someone like that.”[/i] [i]”He’s going to want to settle down one day, and you’re going to be left all alone once he decides.”[/i] [i]”He’ll want someone more stable. More relaxed.”[/i] Jane’s forehead and hands rested on the cool brick wall as she began kicking it furiously with her boots for a few seconds, then, she finally sank down to the ground with the wall behind her back. What was she going to do? She couldn’t go back to the bus in this condition. “Hey, Harold,” she spoke into the phone only a moment later. “If anyone asks, you booked an interview for me today, okay?” “Sure, I guess so. Should I ask?” he sounded unamused by the situation already. “No. Also, can you book me a hotel room for tonight? Hopefully somewhere I could check in ASAP? It’s fucking freezing outside.” “Fine. But, don’t make this a habit, Jane. You’ve been so good lately. Please don’t fuck it up.” Jane wanted to scream all the expletives she could think of at Harold, but in order to get what she wanted, she offered a weak “got it” and “thank you” before hanging up the phone and shoving her face into her hands. Staying in a hotel room for the night was obviously just putting a band-aid on the emotional injury that needed much more, but for now, it’d have to do. Jane knew she was way too immature to go have a level-headed conversation with Rob any time soon, but she’d at least have to shoot him a text so that no one would worry. [i]Jane, 2:06 PM:[/i] [b]Did an interview and started feeling like shit. Harold booked me a room so I could rest. I’ll be back tomorrow.[/b] Soon after, a text from Harold came in with the details on the hotel’s location, and Jane left the alley after a few deep breaths to check in. [center]*****[/center] An hour later, a knock sounded, and Jane peered through the peephole to see a distorted Andy on the other side. “Hey,” Jane greeted him meekly as she closed the door behind him. “Thanks for coming.” “Yeah, of course,” Andy nodded as he put a bag on the counter. “Five joints, two Xanax, and your bottle of rum. Got a real weird look from Austin when I took that out of the fridge.” He turned back to her and frowned. “What the hell’s going on, Jane?” “I, uh, I met with Zoe. I don’t know. I think there’s more going on than just fucking.” Jane wiped her eyes and sighed. “And I’m being a baby about it, I know. It just kind of caught me off guard.” “What did you expect to happen?” Andy asked frankly. “You’ve told me yourself Rob’s nothing like you when it comes to shit like that.” “Well, yeah, but – “ “But what, Jane?” Andy walked towards her slowly. “You’ve been too much of a pussy to tell Rob how you really feel, you decide to let him see other women, and then when he starts to grow attached to one, you think it’s his fault?” “Catching feelings for someone else was [i]not[/i] apart of our agreement.” The anger Jane was beginning to feel was starting to come out through her voice, which cracked as the volume increased. “So what? Is that it? I fucked it up, and now it is what it is?” “Jane, calm down,” Andy said softly as he put a hand on her shoulder only for Jane to back up. “Why don’t you just tell him that you want to be exclusive?” “’Cause he’s happy!” she replied as tears began to form into her eyes. “I can tell he enjoys spending time with her. I’m not an idiot.” Jane turned around as she blotted the tears that had formed with her sleeves. “I’m not gonna ruin that for him. Plus, what if I do tell him? It’s not like it’s gonna make him feel any different about her. I don’t even know what [i]I[/i] want anymore.” She took a deep breath and shook her head. “I’m sorry. You have nothing to do with this. I’m not angry at you.” Her fingers ran through her hair as she turned back around. “And I know I’m overreacting but…” Andy stood a foot away from her, and as she faced him, he placed both of his hands on her shoulders and looked down at her. “It’s okay.” Not a moment passed for he leaned in and kissed her softly. “I talked with Rob earlier. Things are cool between us. He didn’t mention anything about falling in love with anyone.” She snorted. “Well, [i]that’s[/i] nothing new.” “Give him some credit,” Andy smiled faintly as he brushed the stray hairs that had fallen over her face during her outburst. “He’s just doing what he thinks is best for the both of you. I don’t think his love for you is going away anytime soon.” Jane rolled her eyes and looked up to him. “Whatever you say, man. Just… just don’t tell any of the guys why I’m here, yeah?” Andy nodded, then leaned into her once again, kissing her as his hand snaked up the back of her neck into her hair. She couldn’t lie, this was her ideal distraction for a situation like this, but Jane had conflicting thoughts on whether or not sleeping with Andy would make her feel better or worse. Having had accepted her issue with self-control long ago, though, she didn’t bother to fight it, and instead, she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him closer. [center]*****[/center] “Call me if you need anything,” Andy whispered as he pulled his shirt over his head and bent down to kiss the top of Jane’s head as she laid on her stomach in bed. The Xanax had already began to set in, and the sluggishness she felt barely allowed her to lift her head at all. “Thanks for everything.” Andy nodded and waved before leaving the room and closing the front door quietly behind him. Sleeping with Andy only made her feel better for moments after, but now, in the silence, she felt painfully alone. If it wasn’t for the drugs, she’d probably start crying again, but she had no energy left for it. A joint sat on the table, and after some grunting, she had it lit and was smoking it as she sat naked in bed. She desperately wanted to call Rob in an attempt to do some damage control, assuming that Zoe had told him the details of the lunch they had. But the problem with all of the drugs Jane had done was that it had lessened her ability to things the way they actually were, and not how she imagined they happened. Maybe Zoe really thought she just had an interview and that Jane had to leave. Maybe no one suspected a thing other than that she truly needed a rest before their show tomorrow. After finishing the joint, Jane took another pill, knowing it would probably knock her out until noon tomorrow, but at that moment, she didn’t care. They had nothing scheduled, and any extra time she could buy before having to face reality once again seemed worth it. She grabbed her phone and illuminated the screen to check the time when a notification for a text message caught her attention. [i]Austin, 3:09 PM:[/i] [b]You good, J?[/b] Jane sighed. Her friendship with Austin was slowly dwindling with all the other events going on. [i]Jane, 5:21 PM:[/i] [b]Yeah, man. Thanks. I’ve just been getting exhausted easily. Should feel better tomorrow.[/b] [i]Austin, 5:24 PM:[/i] [b]If you say so. Call me if you need me.[/b] [i]Jane, 5:25 PM:[/i] [b]Thanks[/b] She didn’t bother to check any of the other texts, not wanting to know what could possibly be hiding in her inbox. Instead, she tossed her phone onto the floor and let herself sink back down into the bed. Her now simple thoughts still lingered on Rob and Zoe, but they had become much more morose. If Rob decided he’d rather be with Zoe, would they be able to still be friends? No. no. It’d be too awkward. Jane couldn’t just be friends with him after all of this. If Jane had fallen so completely in love with Rob, why couldn’t she just tell him how she felt? It would cause too much drama. Rob seemed satisfied now, and although Jane wanted to be the sole cause of his happiness, that wouldn’t come from her taking it away from him. She would just have to deal with it. Did Rob enjoy his intimate moments with Zoe more than Jane? That couldn’t be true, right? If Jane was good at anything, it was singing and sex. But, Rob [i]did[/i] mention that she came onto him too much. Maybe he was really just more satisfied with what he found in Zoe. Jane threw the pillow over her face and screamed into it, ignoring the pain she felt in her throat. Her feet kicked at the sheets in frustration, and her small fingers gripped the pillow forcefully until she finally gave up and threw it across the room. It was all turning to shit, and Jane felt like she had no control over it. At some point soon after, Jane fell into a deep sleep buried under the blanket and pillows that covered her, her last bit of energy spent on the fit she threw. Hopefully the immaturity she was displaying would pass by the morning tomorrow so that she could handle things like an adult. Or at least, not kick and scream about it.